Nonetheless, if you ended up at this website, www.mikethepod.com, you are going to be sorely disappointed. Not only does this site not feature sex of any kind, but the "tailothepup" icon--suggestive though it may be--is only about this guy's band. And if you actually take a moment from your masturbatory musing to listen to the sound clips, you realize that the songs are not even sexy! No "Hit Me Baby One More Time", no "Back Seat Of My Jeep", no "Sex Packets" or "Bustin Dat Ass Like Tyson Bust a Jaw", nothing. Just a bunch of weird home recordings that these guys obviously did while high on some readily available, inexpensive drug. Granted, it's pretty bitchin' stuff, if you're into glitch-core, or omni-wave, or the newest street term: "drug-cac'", but it is decidedly unsexy. Hell, I get more action watching C-Span. (That Sen. Robert Byrd is a wrinkled, hot-ass mofo.)

And what's with that Regis thing? Aliens are taking over the planet and Regis is our only hope? Have you ever seen that guy's show? Sign me up for one of those chest-bursting fuckers.

And this guy, Matt, is such an egomaniac that he's actually got some machine named after him that dispenses, instead of nice creamy cigarettes, little weird drawings and tiny plastic aliens. The machine is called the Art-O-Mat and really, this kind of megalomania has got to stop.

Plus, the guy writes his "daily" thoughts--which turn out to be more like bi-weekly--and all he has to talk about is the color of his cereal and Transformers, Transformers, Transformers. Somebody's taken this Peter Pan Complex way fucking too far. They're more than meets the eye! We get it!

Okay, the guy can draw. I'll give him that. And the band is so totally inaccessible to idiots that it garners major cool points. But why, dear Baphomet, why, is there a driver's license for some fat bald guy at the bottom of the site? That is so random, and disturbs me so much, that I feel like I really have to go to church this Sunday. (And I hate church...every time I go Satan tries to get me to sniff the hair of the girl in the pew in front of me..)

I just read the reviews page, and I want to know: Why would I want to read a review page when all of the movies and games and whatnot suck? Especially the one for Anger Management. Something is wrong with the guy that wrote that. He sounds like a fat loveless creep. And a hater. Couldn't you reccomend something good once in a while? How about a good free Nude Celebrity site? Something with Britney Spears and that Jack Russell Terrier from Frasier...

Anyway, www.mikethepod.com is not what my search promised me. And now I'm no longer horny; just confused.

And dude? Transformers would only be cool if they changed into hot naked chicks, or something. Grow up.

--Sir Captain Potato Pilot