"What the fuck?! What the fuck was that?! What!?!? That wasn't goddam Michael Meyers! That wasn't even a movie! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?"

I think around this point I passed out in a pool of blood from the several hundred blows I had placed upon my head towards the theatre seat in front of me (I've found this is generally a pretty good way to get rid of bad memories when in dire need of a mental purging). After a strange dream involving Robert Heinlein and a talking tuna fish sandwich I awoke in a hospital bed with a few less piano lessons but the memory of Halloween still stamped across my grey matter, searing deep into my brain, unable to be forgotten. Flinging my bed sheets away I shrieked, as if this were all a twist ending in some crappy horror movie. You know, like that new movie Halloween by Rob Zombie. I then fell to a fetal position whimpering "Mommy take me home, there are roaches in my brain" over and over until mommy took me home and removed the roaches from my brain. Unfortunately Halloween was still there.

I hear you protesting already. "But Philip, this is a re-imagining! You're taking this way too seriously." So, hear me, loud and clear. Fuck. You. Then hear this:

Let me start at the beginning. The real beginning. Go back to that time years ago when you were a kid. Michael Meyers was someone that was almost as prevalent a mythology in my life as, say, Santa Claus. Probably more so since I never believed in that fat fuck anyway. I had never even seen a Halloween movie and yet I could ask anyone and they'd know "Don't fuck with Michael Meyers. He'll kill your ass". Everyone knew who he was. He was one scary motherfucker. An indelible image of foreboding and fear.

Fast forward to my teenage years. I was a slasher film addict. Now, this is generally like stating one is a member of NAMBLA to alot of people. Slasher movie fans are even looked down upon even by other horror fans. The bottom rung of society (and Hell, so I hear) is comprised of those who like Slasher fliks, David Hasselhoff, and Nigerian spammers. I think the next rung up is child beaters. Regardless, I loved me some slasher flicks. But I never considered Halloween a slasher flick. Sure, it helped catapult the whole slasher craze, and started all of the goddam holiday themed horror movies (Kwanzaa Killfest being the best imitator), but the movie itself is much more a streamlined thriller then your typical hack and slash. Halloween was something else. The fear it was able to create permeated the entire subconcious of the world forever. And it did it all with good filmmaking and a killer with no purpose other than to kill. That's it. Thats all it needed.

So now we have Halloween (2007), a bloated piece of boring ass trite fucking bullshit.

You remember the first shot from the orignal Halloween? You know, the one that's the best fucking opening scene in horror movie history? Where we see the POV of a killer for a seamless 3 minute shot of him murdering his family only to reveal, its a kid? Well fuck that, that's stupid, so sayeth the Zomb-ster. Let's just start with a shot of the house with some crappy 70s song, and then cut inside to watch his family bitch at each other. Oh I see, they live in a suburban house in Illinois but all of the characters still talk like they're from his last two fliks. (which I liked, by the way).

Regardless of who they are, or what their character is like, in this movie every character talks the same. Fuck, cunt, shit etc. every other word. No, i'm not some Puritan loser that's offended by this shit, but for some reason I don't think the majority of people in Illinois speak in such a manner. I doubt there's alot of conversations that go "Hey, motherfucker, we're from Illinois so get your goddam ass to stepping for I shove my fucking boot up that shithole you fucking cunt bitch slut!" permeating the farmland or whatever the fuck they have up there. Cows? Cheese? Wheat? I dunno. Fuck Illinois.

Oh and look, Sheri Moon is Michael's mom. Big fucking surprise. Also, she has an inexplicable scene where she strips (again, big fucking surprise) to "Love Hurts" which keeps cutting to Michael Meyers walking around looking sad. I really have no idea why.

Just stick that annoying braying bitch wife of yours into whatever role you want Zombie, who gives a fuck, right? At least in your other movies her horrible acting and annoying voice and laugh just made her seem like a nutcase. This movie you have to watch her try to genuinely act like a concerned parent and real human being. Bad fucking move because she's only good at being annoying, so making your only sympathetic character for the first fifty minutes that braying cunt is just painful. Method Man slamming my nuts with a spiked baseball bat painful.

So basically we learn Michael kills people because his dad is an asshole and yells at him. Wait, no, it's because he's picked on by bullies. Wait, no, it's because he likes to torture animals. Wait, no, none of that matters because I think they went back to the whole "He was evil from the beginning." approach by the end of the whole debacle. Then why the hell did I just watch fifty minutes of boring character development? Oh wait, except we didn't have fifty minutes of character development we had fifty minutes of nothing. Seriously, Michael beats the shit out of some kid with a big stick. Then he kills his whole family. And he likes to wear masks. So I guess this means he's crazy. Which is fucking stupid. Michael Meyers is just some little redneck brat who likes to torture animals and has shitty parents? Thats it?! Thats what makes him into an unstoppable juggernaut of evil!?!? Seriously, this movie was more cliche then Halloween.

Now let me truly explain that last statement. This movie, was more cliche than the movie its based on from 30 years ago, that created all of the cliches that are so prevalent today. How the fuck is that even possible?

If you thought Busta Rhymes karate kicking Michael Meyers was as dumb as the series could get, you were wrong. At least that movie had the decency not to hype itself as anything other than just the 8th movie in a series that had long become stale.

Anyway, so Michael Meyers is some redneck little kid who likes to wear masks and tortures animals. And he kills his family blah blah blah. The only thing slightly interesting within that whole murder-the-family scene was when Michael Meyers finds the Michael Meyers mask. I know thats repetitive but you know what I mean. The inside-out Captain Kirk mask. Anyway, little 8 year old Michael puts this on and starts coming at his sister with a knife. I don't think I need to explain the hilarity of a pint-sized Michael with a gigantic head running at his sister with a knife. Imagine it as if someone had just entered an Nintendo cheat code and Michael Meyers was suddenly rendered in "Big Head" mode. And then that started running towards you on its stubby little legs. Comedic gold!

In any case, he goes to a mental institution where he meets Malcolm MacDowell trying to be Donald Pleasance. I have no real problem with McDowell's acting, he's a good actor. But the writing is so bad that it pretty much mutes any contribution he could make. Which also goes for several of the other underused characters. Udo Kier (and several other horror main-stays that seem placed merely to draw fans in) pops up as if to say "Look at me, I'm getting a paycheck for nothing more than this line, okay bye, I'm gonna go spend all of this money I just made on hookers and blow."

Back to Loomis and Michael. Loomis pretty much has three different personalities that he cycles through whenever Zombie decides that this is his character's motivations at this moment. In the end none of them pan out and they were just another example of Zombie's adding more for the sake of changing things. So we have Loomis who grows a weird bond between him and Michael and almost cares for him. Then we have Loomis who believes Michael is the epitome of all evil. Then we have Loomis that is just exploiting Michael to write a book and make money. Choose which one you want because we never learn which are his true motives and it never matters, it's just more boring bullshit filler.

So anyway, Michael seems like at first he's going to be alright and be sane again but then he stabs a nurse with a fork. There's a lot of screaming and crying coming from me as Sheri Moon tries to act like she's screaming and crying for her boy. And its all in slow-motion and goes on forever. Regardless, for some reason killing his whole family didn't fuck up Michael but now that he stabbed a nurse with a fork he's totally bat shit and does not say a word for the rest of the movie. Why? Who the fuck knows. Because that's what happened in the original, but in that case it worked fine without an explanation. The explanation given in this one makes absolutely no sense. Then, in one of the more uplifting scenes, Sheri Moon blows her head off in front of her baby and the audience feels relieved that they're finally safe from the unstoppable horror of her acting. I still had my fears of her return though, as her last name was Zombie.

Another point I think is very important to make: None of this matters. There is not a single reason given to care about these people. There is no tension established. There is no drama. These things happen, passing by like moving cars, and you never care. They just happen and you think somewhat bemused "How 'bout that, he killed some people, man this movie theatre chair sure is fucking uncomfortable. Boy, I wish I had snuck in more beer. Who the hell invented Jujubes?"

Flash 15 years ahead. Michael Meyers is in a room with a shitload of paper machete masks all over the walls. And he's SIX FOOT ELEVEN and built like an ox. I guess making a bunch of masks in a 5x4 foot room for 15 years causes you to have pituitary gigantism and ripping newspaper really builds some upper body strength. Basically the rest of the movie is Michael Meyers killing people after he escapes. Of course. But its borrrrrrrrring. Seriously. I never thought it'd be possible but watching this giant freak massacre countless people was just plain dull because of Zombie's inability to do anything resembling directing or editing. Also, the guy who played him just wasn't Michael Meyers. He seemed more like Jason. Michael Meyers had always been stealthy in the previous movies, moving, along with fluid camera movements, through suburban backyards and creeping through houses. Here he just kind of slams through everything and jumps out alot like "Boo!" Even excluding that and going with the whole "re-imagining" thing, just as a slasher movie it was incredibly flawed.

A tip for Mr. Zombie: When you pull back and reveal a person walking down a hallway, scared shitless with Michael Meyers after them - I KNOW he's about to jump out through the open doorway on the left, okay? I'm not retarded nor is my eyesight poor. I figured even you would know that cheap scare tactic doesn't fucking work anymore, and barely did in the first place.

Around this part there are some pretty teens taking their clothes off and what have you, and while I have no complaints there I swear to god Zombie required his females to keep their breasts within the shot at all times to the point that they move unnaturally because he realizes "Oh shit, I think she's about to turn away I've got to get a shot from the other side or the tits won't be on the screen perpetually!" Now once again, I'm not knocking tits, their wonders are beyond description in the English language. But Zombie comes off as a creepy old perv peeping through a window with a camera as a girl undresses. Anyway they all get killed, mostly shirtless, and then some other shit happens. And some other shit. Anyway, finally she shoots Michael in the head point blank. The end. Oh wait, the she was his sister. The one Sherri Moon blew her brains out all over. Oh yeah and Michael crushes Loomis' skull with his bare hands. Then there's some sotck footage of young Michael over Mr. Sandman. And thank fucking god, its finally over. I skipped over some bits but jesus, it really doesn't matter. Really.

To sum it up, Halloween the remake is Halloween the original for those with ADD. Rob Zombie completely missed the fucking point of the first one. But, even if this movie had no relation to any previous movie it would still suck. There's enough suckitude for it to stand on its own as a piece of shit, and compared to the original, as an abomination, abortion and abhorrent piece of anal leakage. Which may be your cup of tea...if so, drink up! But for those who enjoy atmosphere, and actually creepy stuff, created through technique and subtlety, not just "look how dark this movie is, there's blood and cussing and tits! It's gotta be scary!" stay far far away. The sad truth is this didn't even deliver the goods for a stupid blood and tits horror movie, and that's truly just pathetic.