The MIKE THE POD Random Thought For Today

06.30.05: I'm going to shut down Random Rancor- or rather, permutate it- while the upcoming MTP movie is in production and the animation studio is being set up. Those of you who live to read my bilious (and increasingly infrequent) rantings about trivial matters, don't despair; I'm archiving these pages on the site in all their hideous, rancorous splendor. And there will, I'm sure, be ventings of spleen in the new Production Diary... like, for example, how I'm going to smash the fucking face in of the next person I hear pronounce the word "mischievous" miss-CHEE-VEE-uss. Go ahead and say it. You sound like a fucking retarded cartoon mouse, you fucking dumbass.

Lastly, to my other friend named Phil (whose birthday is on 03.06): Happy Birthday. I suck.

06.03.05: Happy Birthday Phil! Hopefully Phil's having a good birthday, even though he's at work, but hey, he's not spending the whole day at the DMV like I did on mine. And though this has almost nothing to do with Phil's birthday, I'd like to allow George Lucas to rub something in one more time. To paraphrase (my friend, not the director) George, if Episode III didn't shut you prequel-haters up once and for all, well then guess what. You're not a true Star Wars fan. Personally, I feel that between Episode III and Sin City, I don't need to see any more movies for the next five years. 2005 has had enough pure movie joy to blow my freaking balls off.

Also, if you're in the ATL on the 5th, be sure and check out the Jedi Jam, from the good people who brought you the Great Atlanta Toy Show. It's limited to 150 guests, so get in there now and don't miss out.

05.17.05: Happy Birthday to Jennifer, the love of my life! Yes, amazingly, some years ago this goddess who for some reason tolerates my existence was born. Sure, the anniversary of my accursed birth is approaching, but I advise no celebration on that terrible day, for you may rile the malodorous demons who vomited me into this once-proud dimension into coughing up some more bastards like myself. And let's face it, one of me is more than enough for you good people. Don't tempt fate.

I'd also like to go on record as saying that I think Robert Rodriguez' film adaptation of Sin City is an absolute masterpiece, and that we all should be thankful that Mr. Rodriguez is such a god-among-men. (I even forgive him for allowing that twerp Tarantino to touch the movie- for once his work didn't enrage me with its crappiness, probably because he only directed five minutes). You couldn't ask for a better adaptation of the comic series... not with an R rating, that's for sure. It's the best movie I've seen in years, easily.

05.01.05: Happy May Day! And congrats to the Family Guy crew for leaving a nice red mushroom-print on Fox's forehead last night with an amazing episode. No doubt that's the highest ratings they've pulled in on Sunday night in quite some time. Oh, what was it they said about the show coming back three years ago? "Never gonna happen", was it? How does that crow taste? Good to have you back, Seth.

And if you need something else actually funny and enjoyable to watch on Sunday night, be sure and tune in to MTV2 for Wonder Showzen (if you're over 18... PLEASE, don't be a FUCKING ASSHOLE). Do it now, there's no way this show is going to stay on the air. Some moron will exploit it to cause problems sooner or later. Team Sanchez is great too. It's like Jackass used to be, before it got all watered down. Great stuff from across the pond.

04.15.05: You didn't forget to do your taxes, didja? Hope not. I've managed to pull myself out of the time-fog to attempt to get mine done... and also to wish Jeff and Randy an early Happy Birthday from the Pod. Things are still pretty looped with me, but I'm workin' on it by god.

Also, the first installment of the legendary life of Pterodactyl Gary is up finally, thanks to our own DPR (though I was responsible for not getting it posted for so long... guess I was having trouble dealing with the grief...). If you heard the last track on Throw Up Throw Down, you've probably been wondering who Gary was. Well, know you can learn all about this unforgettable freak, whom we were proud to call our friend, if even for a short time. In the future there will be more installments, and even some pictures (if we can find some). So enjoy.

03.22.05: Hey everybody... it's been a while, so I'm checking in to say howdy. Plus I want to say thanks again for the well-wishing emails and such. It's helping a lot, believe me.

That's pretty much it currently... but we will be starting up the Pterodactyl Gary section soon (thanks to our very own DPR), and be sure and check out the Art-O-Mats, I just sent out the first wave of Galactic G.U.T.S. figures, and it's gonna be fun fun fun. Plus, while I've been convalescing, I beat Halo 2. On LEGENDARY. Hahahahahahaha.

03.02.05: Courtesy of Wampus, here's what the Daleks will look like in the newest incarnation of Doctor Who. From the looks of it, it seems they'll have no trouble with interdimensional hair clogs. And is it just me, or does the new Doc look like Al Bundy? Could they be spicing up the good doctor with some American toilet humor? What what what?

02.28.05: Where can I get this candy? If anyone has seen it please let me know, if it's unopened I may buy it off of you. Seriously, I just want to eat it. I really don't understand the controversy, there's candy shaped like bugs and coke bottles and I don't see kids being cruel to either of them. Come on. Let me eat some candy roadkill. If I see kids running over candy with cars maybe I'll change my mind on the matter.

02.20.05: Told you it was gonna be Aunt Patty coming out of the closet, didn't I? Didn't I? Tsk tsk. And some of you out there thought it was going to be Smithers. Sheesh.

I also want to say thanks to everyone who's sent me get-better notes and emails. I'm still pretty much a mess, but I've been on medication, so hopefully there's an end in sight. The Toy Show was awesome too... I shook hands with Darth Vader and he damn near crushed my paw. That really happened, I didn't hallucinate it (seriously). Thanks to Marten for putting together such a fantastic show. I got a couple of World's Smallest Transformers. Never have I been so afraid of shredding a toy.

02.04.05: Sorry about these gaps in updates. I'm having some health issues currently that I simply have to take care of, end of story. If I take care of this stuff now, then I'll be able to update like a champ in the future. Honest Injun.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and remind everybody again to go to the Great Atlanta Toy Show tomorrow. Go to the site, print out the page and you get a discount. It's gonna be greaticle.

The FLUKE Festival in Athens last weekend was really amazing. Amazing enough to justify Jenn driving us out there in the middle of an ice storm, watching cars ahead of us skitter into the ditches (no joke), and spending the better part of an hour trying to find a parking space. Plus, true to form, I was totally sleep-deprived, having only just finished the MTP book at 2am the night before. But I got to meet lots of great people, some of whom are featured in this gallery, since I was too lazy to bother taking pictures of the festival myself. Here's some of the great swag I got; A nano-comic, literally less than an inch big, courtesy of the great Caesar Meadows; The excellent Young Geeks In Love and Double Wide Degas by Robert Bienvenu of the Baton Rouge Cartoonist Society; The hilarious All-True Sometimes and Catholic School Funnies by Mary Jessica Hammes (also a trapeze artist!); The Journal of MODOK Studies by Robert Newsome (lots of great info on Mr. Bighead); Ummagurau magazine by Addison Godel; a book of very funny comics designed to blow your freaking mind called Misanthropic Cavalcade, by Joe Havasy; a super-cool (and slick) compendium of indy comics called General Jinjur's Indies; Jeff Hay(also of the BRCS)'s book of Flash & The Pan strips; and of course, the incredible 80-page FLUKE anthology, collecting work from myself, many of the artists I've mentioned, and tons more. Pretty amazing indeed, huh? And most certainly worth the trip (during which I was actually finishing my Mike the Pod Semi-Annual comix in the car... I have a handful of copies left, and they come with a Tailothepup sampler, so if you want one for $5, act now). So if you love small press/independent comics as much as I do, you definitely want to check out FLUKE next year.

That's about it for now. Other than there being a new review from our own DPR. Check it out.

01.25.04: So long Johnny Carson. There's never gonna be another one like 'im. And to all you news folks... do me a favor and stop showing the farewell bit from his last show. I think you're being far too flippant about tearing out my heart and vital organs and stomping the bejeepers out of them. In the span of a couple days, Mr. Carson departs for that Great Late Night of Eternity, and Charley Hutton left Boyd Coddington Hot Rods on American Hot Rod.

Okay, odds are, that last bit means nothing to you, unless you're a fan of the show. I'll just assume for the moment that you are. Less than a month after Bluebear's ego got the best of him and Boyd had to fire him (lots of gut-wrenching footage of Bluebear solemnly carting his tools out of the shop), Charley left the shop to work for the competition. And there was much yelling. And then crying. LOTS of crying. (And this, in an episode where even Duane- who I always thought looked like he should be onstage with a band with "Death" or "Kill" in their name- turned on the waterworks after his sister gave him a framed picture of his dad.) Then Boyd's wife started crying really hard. I was about half under the couch in the fetal position at this point.

I'm not a reality show guy. But then I don't consider the staple of Discovery Channel shows I enjoy (American Chopper, American Casino... slap "American" on it and I'll usually watch, because, you know, I'm JUST THAT PATRIOTIC) to be "reality shows"; sure, they're reality, but not the "network" definition of reality, in that they appear to be periods where cameras were turned on ACTUAL HUMANS, who weren't prodded or forced into idiotic acts by blank-faced TV dudes. (Though I do enjoy Strange Love, but that has Flavor Flav.) With these shows you get to see people who are good at what they do, working hard at it. On TV. It's like a little taste of celebrity for the common Joe. Which I think is great. (If we could only get Discovery Channel to notice Art-O-Mat...) The more we get actual, talented, hard-working people on TV...

...The less we have to deal with barely pubescent morons with NO talent. Like Ashlee Simpson. Yeah yeah, it's in vogue to harp on her. Well, now you can actually do something about it. (Or at least pretend to... this IS the internet after all.) I voted.. but good luck finding me and my smug little comment amid the multitudes.

Okay... on to some real news. If you're gonna be in Atlanta on or around February 6th, come check out the Great Atlanta Toy Show. I'm serious, you better do it. You know I'm going to hound you every day until the 6th. So change your plans now.

01.20.05: Hey, you know what's really cool? Last night, thanks to Jeff Clark and the crew at Stomp and Stammer, I got to meet and hang out with Todd Barry, before his excellent stand-up show at the Earl. I've been a big fan of Todd for years now, and not only is Todd a masterful stand-up comedian with a rare gift for bringing obnoxious audience members into his act without missing a beat, but he's a really nice guy. (So buy his CD.) He gracefully put up with my stupid and ham-fisted questions about things like Saddle Rash (which we both agreed should have been a series- that's right folks, we BONDED!!!). Check out the tour dates on his site, and if he's coming to your town, go see him. You won't be in any way disappointed. Unless you're an asshole who's disappointed in everything. So thanks Todd, for putting up with my drunken idiot self.

Now on to other matters, such as doodies and faggots. If there's a point in the future when that link doesn't work, please know that it was of course not the obvious, puerile meaning you'd assume. To put it bluntly: the British are crazy from too much go-go dancing and pudding over the centuries.

In other news, it appears that newspapers are developing taste, in rare cases. I am, however, surprised that no one's brought up the time Garfield went batshit and raped all those retarded girls. Okay, maybe that's just something a kid told me back in 5th grade. A kid who kept to himself mostly.

01.10.05: Okay... time to fess up. I quit on the whole "watching Transformers: The Movie every day of 2005" thing I mentioned on the 1st. Why? Well, because I was getting sick of it. (Again, I've already seen it over 300 times.) And it's a movie I really don't feel like getting sick of, because it's awesome. It's the Saving Private Ryan of giant robot movies. In addition, though my girlfriend has been totally supportive, and has actually been goading me to see the whole stunt through, I really feel strange being a 32-year-old man pulling out the DVD every day I spend with her. It's a testament to what a perfect girlfriend she is in that she hasn't kicked me to the curb already on this matter. So let's not push our luck.

And if you want to put me down for quitting, fine. You do it. As a matter of fact, watch ANY movie once every day this year. It doesn't matter if it's your favorite movie in the freaking universe. Call me in two weeks and tell me how you're feeling.

I do have pictures from every day of this failed experiment, which I dated and archived as proof. Given the average internet geek's penchant for drawing purple cocks in MS Paint on people's family pictures, and sites like Fat Chicks In Party Hats, I think I'll probably keep 'em to myself. Being that I'm a fat chick in a party hat and all.

01.05.05: If you would still like to give towards tsunami relief, I found you another webpage to use. This one's a little more informative than the last one.

In other, far less important news, the uber-classic Walter Hill film The Warriors is being remade. I'm actually angrier about this than Tim Burton oozing his sleazy talons all over Willy Wonka. (Shame on you, Johnny Depp. You have the power to bitch-slap this man, who is obviously far beyond listening to anyone about how shitty his movies have been for ages, and yet you sit and do nothing. SHAME, Depp! SHAME, you damn handsome man!) Explain to me WHY in the WORLD a perfect film like The Warriors needs to be remade. Oh yeah... money. Chee, I forgot.

In even other news, which I can't even deal with right now, we lost Will Eisner. The impact of this on the medium of comics is immeasurable. So long Will.

01.03.05: I don't think I can say anything about the horrible effects of the tsunami that hasn't already been said. If you'd like to know how you can help, click here.

01.01.05: It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobots' home planet of Cybertron. But, from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron's moons, the valiant Autobots prepare to retake their homeland.

Currently, my plan is to watch Transformers: The Movie once a day every day this year. I may give up at the end of this month, or go completely insane. If I am successful in this incredibly stupid goal, I will have seen the film almost seven hundred times (that is not a joke, or an exaggeration). We'll see. I may include photos to bore the living hell out of you even more so.

12.26.04: Merry belated Christmas/Happy beginning of Kwanzaa (or whatever)/Happy Joewalshmas! Okay, whew. That's a lot of holiday for one intro. I'm going to concentrate on Joewalshmas, because frankly, I'm really tired right now. So feel free to print out this festive Joewalshmas greeting and send it to your friends. They will reward you with potted ferns and lumber. Such is my understanding of the holiday. Also- on Joewalshmas you can cut farts all day if you feel like it. So let 'er rip.

12.23.04: It's getting closer to the big day... that's right... you know the one I'm talking about... Joewalshmas. But I'm sure you've already put up your Joewalshmas beach umbrella and all that. As a matter of fact, with all the commercialization of Joewalshmas these days, I'm sure you're sick of hearing Joe Walsh songs at the mall and seeing all those Joewalshmas Old Navy commercials. So maybe I'll shut up about Joewalshmas for right now.

Here's the kind of advent calendar I wish I'd had when I was a kid. Maybe I wouldn't get so depressed around the holidays. I definitely shouldn't now that I know Ringo's on the case.

12.21.04: Okay... let me see if I can get through this without going completely insane. Wampus (of Tailothepup) works as a courier in the daytime. Late last week, he received this assignment. This is not a joke, nor has it been faked or altered in any way (though I did blot out the incriminating areas to protect the... uh... innocent). What you are looking at is real. Not only that, it was real close to the tune of sixty dollars.

Damn it... I really want an Egg McMuffin now. I don't care. They're good. Maybe not $60 worth of good, but good nonetheless.

12.15.04: If you're doing a media blackout of the certain-to-be-blindingly-awesome Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith, DON'T click here. For all the rest of you, take a look at it and ask yourself this: are a couple of things... missing? Payback's a BITCH!!!

12.14.04: I put together a slide show of some of the Invisible Inc. Series 4 figurines that I think you're gonna really dig... especially if you can find an Art-O-Mat machine and get yourself one. (I really hope that didn't sound like taunting after making Invisible Inc. exclusive to Art-O-Mat, it genuinely wasn't intended as such.) Have a gander if you will. It's a team of bad dudes known as the Mekanzers, some of the smelliest, meanest and just plain ugliest space pirates our poor little universe has ever known. Much like the Aphelionic Adepts, Moltoks and Tannenbrood before them, the Mekanzers are a very limited edition... this time with the smallest run yet: nine (ten if the dual-noggined Psi-Fi counts as two). Anyway, I hope you enjoy. These guys were a real blast (check out their real wire mesh capes).

And don't forget, Joewalshmas is right around the corner... how has life been to you so far?

12.13.04: If you've visited either the Invisible Inc. page or the Ordering page, you've read some news that you may have found dismaying... I am no longer selling Invisible Inc. figurines on the site. There is a very good reason for this... I originally intended Invisible Inc. as art I would do for the Art-O-Mat Project alone, but I offered them for sale on my site as well, just to see what would happen. Well... here's what happened... people started ordering them. A LOT of them. Which, don't get me wrong, is absolutely GREAT (and many thanks to those of you who ordered them!). BUT, it took away from the shipments I was putting together for Art-O-Mat, and slowed my production way down. Since Art-O-Mats are where the pieces really get out to people (and I intended them for Arto in the first place), I felt I really had to pare the process down and focus solely on them. Well.. except for the BIG pieces that won't fit in an Arto machine... those I'll be selling and auctioning off here. Yes, more exclusive one-of-a-kind stuff!!!

This is not to say I won't still be doing larger figures on commission... just bear in mind I won't be able to do them for $5, of course. I simply don't have the time anymore to do stuff on the cheap... I have a serious backlog of work that is kicking my everloving rump. Mainly I would rather support the Art-O-Mat Project than myself on this deal, as well as get my work out all over the country in the process. Also, if you would like to be notified of Invisible Inc. eBay Auctions that will be taking place next year, please email me, so I can get the word out to you before they happen. And last but not least... keep an eye on those Art-O-Mat machines in 2005; Galactic G.U.T.S. (Series 5) is officially beginning, and you won't want to miss it! Until next time, Brutate Mufato!

12.09.04: Wow, I don't believe this- Dimebag Darrell is dead. Not only is he dead, but someone shot him point blank while he was performing on stage. Someone who should have their nuts kicked in. At the very least. (Well, the cops did blow his idiot ass away.) WHY THE HELL would you want to kill DIMEBAG DARRELL?!?

Well, let's have a moment of non-silence for the Cowboy From Hell. I'm sure Dime would have wanted it that way. There's not gonna be anyone like him again anytime soon, if at all. So thanks a lot, gun-wielding ballsmoker. It's not enough that metal gets even more pussified with each passing year, you had to assassinate one of its true kings. I hope Jeffrey Dahmer ass-rapes you in hell with a turkey baster full of hot lead for all eternity.

11.30.04: Just in case you've got that perfect custom license plate in mind for your ride... here's a list of "disallowed" plates, courtesy of The Smoking Gun. I guess people were just trying to liven things up for prisoners... (what do you mean I can't get LUKYWOP?!?)

11.29.04: Alright... I think I'm ready to admit it. I can't stop drinking Holiday Spice Pepsi. And I never drink soda. But this stuff is awesome. I thought for sure when I saw the commercial for it that it was going to be reminiscent of those unspeakably hideous-tasting spiced jelly beans the universe puke-burps into existence every Easter. But then Wampus told me that not only does it taste really good, but it's basically Coke. And damned if he wasn't exactly right. I think, perhaps, that Pepsi, in their attempts to create some goofy-ass holiday drink, stumbled upon whatever secret ingredient or mixture it is that makes a Coke taste like Coke. And to be honest (though I do live in Atlanta and fear this may cause the Coke gestapo to hunt me down), I've always preferred Pepsi to Coke. However, I've never felt that Pepsi accurately replicated the sheer joy your tastebuds experience when you open up an ice-cold can of Coke and sip it. Now they have, and it's like Coke times ten. If Pepsi is smart, they'll repackage Holiday Spice Pepsi as New Pepsi or something and keep it on the shelves. Did you get all that, Pepsi? I'm a NON-SODA DRINKER and I'm strongly considering buying CASES of your holiday shit to last me at least until March 2005. Get on the ball.

Okay. Enough shilling for Pepsi. I have a question... why can't I stop watching this? Seriously, I've watched it around seventeen thousand times at this point.

11.25.04: Happy Thanksgiving! Maybe I don't have a gigantic feast for you, but I do have some tidbits that I think you'll enjoy. For starters, if you've gotten a Series 4 Invisible Inc. figurine and you're wondering what in the world that little secret message is that comes with it, wait no longer... the TRANSLATRONIC CONVERSION MATRIX is here! Now you can decipher N'joric, Survot and Al'sa Grah like a pro (I even threw in English just for fun, in case you're in REAL trouble). This decoder was originally intended to be a prize awarded if you sent me 20 Pod Points, but I'm still working the kinks out of the whole Pod Point redemption system, so I decided not to keep you waiting any longer and build the decoder into a Flash animation for the site. (Keep saving those Points though!) Have fun with that N'joric, by the way. There's a reason only the seriously evil speak it.

There's more updates coming up soon, so keep checkin' back. There'll be more short stories, and D. P. Roberts wrote a review about 40 years ago for Alien Vs. Predator that I STILL haven't posted. Also, some exciting stuff is coming up with Invisible Inc... namely, the down-and-dirty Mekanzer Legion, and figures you can wage your own wars with! You've no doubt heard (if you've gotten the right figures) about planet Warrokk-17, where battles are endlessly fought for the delight of spectators across the universe... well now, you'll get to be part of the action! Keep checking those Art-O-Mat machines, and keep those orders coming! (Especially if you're planning on giving an Invisible Inc. as a gift this year- order SOON or I can't guarantee you'll get it in time for Christmas!) It will all begin with the end of Series 4 and the dawn of Series 5! URSATE SUPIRIPOND, BABY!!!

11.18.04: I'm sure by now you've heard the rumors that a character on The Simpsons will be coming out of the closet in an upcoming episode of the 16th season (which, knock on wood, looks to be an improvement over the terrible 15th, so far). For some reason, a lot of people seem to think it's going to be Waylon Smithers, even though it would obviously in no way serve the series. Some folks have also suggested Mr. Burns, or something else dumb like that. I'll go ahead and tell you; it's Aunt Patty. Think about how prescient it would be (particularly with our country's embarrassing anti-gay marriage attitude) for the Simpsons to have a lesbian aunt, and how many story possibilities it could open up. Plus the evidence has been piling up since the early days of the show. Betcha a box of Krispy Kremes I'm right.

And oh- did I offend anyone by saying that I find it embarrassing that our wonderful country is so dead-set against gay marriage? Good. Look, I've BEEN married. There's no reason that people should be exempt from the byzantine horrors of matrimonial union simply because they're homosexual. Everyone should be allowed to sample a piece of that razor-blade pie. Sigh... if only we'd elected the right person... ah well.

11.15.04: Though I currently find myself with an ugly case of the crud, I think my post-election trauma has finally been assuaged. How in the hell is that possible, you ask? Simple; heavy doses of alien-killing in Halo 2, which I procured from the mall in the dead of night last Monday (and it's so god-dang good it should be illegal), and the positively sublime Bill Frisell show I saw last Friday night at Nuci's Space in Athens. (This chart helped too, A LOT.) Nuci's is an amazing space, opened in 2000 by Linda Phillips in memory of her son, Athens musician Nuci Phillips, who killed himself in 1996 after a long struggle with clinical depression. You should really check out the link; the place is incredible, and not only offers great shows, but free help for those who suffer from clinical depression as well.

Back to the Frisell show. I can't heap enough accolades on it. I've been wanting to see Mr. Frisell for thirteen years. Not only did he surpass my expectations by a gazillion miles (he played "Egg Radio", my favorite Frisell tune!), but he brought along Victor Krauss, Kenny Wollenson and Vic Chesnutt, to boot. Vic Chesnutt, who now holds the honor of being the first man to make me tear up at a show, during his heart-shredding rendition of Smokey Robinson's "Tracks Of My Tears" (a song I get weak-kneed even thinking about). My GOD it was glorious.

And it gets better. After the show I had the privilege of meeting Mr. Krauss, who is not only disgustingly talented on the upright bass but disgustingly handsome as well. I also met Vic Chesnutt... what a wonderful, wonderful guy (and what a set of pipes). And finally, after thirteen years of life enriched by his fabulous music, I met Bill Frisell backstage. Somehow, George and I mustered the wherewithal to bestow upon this angel in human form a copy of our newest Pup CD. The only thing that kept my knees from shaking uncontrollably is the fact that Bill Frisell is, without hyperbole, the nicest man I've ever met in my entire life. And believe me, I know from nice guys. I've met Bob Burden and Evan Dorkin (forget what you heard, the man is an absolute peach). I know Art-O-Mat founder Clark Whittington. And I've hung out with the Baton Rouge Cartoonist Society. For someone about as pleasant as boiled vomit, I get to rub elbows with some super-wonderful folks.

So, as I listened to Bill Frisell close the show with Burt Bacharach's "What The World Needs Now", I began to slowly feel better about things in the old U. S. of A. Sure, we may be totally fucked for the next four years (though that Nazi Ashcroft is at last out of the picture), but at least we have Bill Frisell. It was, without a doubt, a show that improved the quality of my life quite a bit.

11.02.04: So... didja vote? Didja? Didja? Allow me to nudge you some more. Nudge nudge.

Well, I hope you did. And I hope you aren't one of the people waving Bush signs I flipped the bird to while I was out running errands today. Or the ones I yelled "BUSH SUCKS, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE" at. If you are, I'm not sorry. Roll that sign up and shove it up your ass. Please, please, please, folks. We've already given the whole world a laundry list of reasons to hate us and think we're morons. Let's not give them four more years' worth of reasons.

11.01.04: First things first- I need you to do me a favor. If you haven't already, VOTE. Even a lazy uberslacker like myself got off his "Generation X" (ugggh) ass and voted. Maybe the fact that I voted for Kerry in Jawja won't amount to a hill o'beans. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I tried to do SOMETHING (and got to stand in line for three hours to do it). It's not the nineties, apathy isn't cool anymore, unless you're a ninth grader. So just do it. And if you don't, that's cool too. I'm not going to guilt trip you, because after all, this is frigging America, and you can do whatever the hell you want. I'm not even going to give you that "If you don't vote, you can't bitch" line of horse-crap that's so popular on MTV these days. Nope. Won't even push that lamebrained "Vote Or Die' tripe on you like bucktoothed karaoke sensation Puff Whatever-The-Fuck-He-Calls-His-Dumb-Ass-Now does. Bitch or die all you want. I'm merely suggesting that you do something that will allow you to bitch unabated, even among the bitter elderly who barely tolerate you. Because even if you're an insane idiot like myself, people take you a touch more serious if you back up your ranting with some hot stinky action. Don't touch your face after you vote though. Who knows what kind of flesh-eating future brain AIDS you'll pick up from the machine in these flu-shotless times.

Now on to matters that are REALLY important... ah yes, much more important than American democracy (ahem)... namely, Tailothepup's new album Throw Up Throw Down. I promised it for October. Well, it came out in October (Halloween! Boo!), but I was out of town when it did, so I'm only just now posting on the site about it. See, don't ever doubt me again. I pay midgets to fart on people in public.

So here's the deal: if you like very strange electronic music that incorporates a large number of instruments and appliances (12-string guitar! banjo! dishwasher!), and you have five dollars to spare, order yourself a copy now. Why? Because five dollars includes shipping. And you get a bonus CD with every Pup order. So you're getting two CDs. For FIVE DOLLARS. Try out the samples on the Pup page and see if the futurist tunes are to your liking. Then slip us a fin and we'll smuggle you the essentials. It's so simple even George W. Bush could do it with style. Odds are he hates Pup though. See, there you go. An order of Throw Up Throw Down is a blow against the empire. Now you have to do it. And after I promised I wasn't going to guilt trip you... however, if you order the CD, I will be your best friend. Honest.

(On a final note... ordering Throw Up Throw Down will give you a vague introduction into the wild, weird legacy of the legend that is the late Pterodactyl Gary. MUCH more on that to come...)

10.19.04: Hey, if you live in or near Atlanta, and you'd appreciate a more judicious use of your time than wasting nine dollars to watch puppets fuck, check out the Atlanta Botanical Gardens' Chihuly exhibit. Dale Chihuly is a brilliant artist who works in glass, and in addition to the stunning centerpieces of his the Gardens has displayed, there are also about a thousand pieces hidden all over the place for you to find. Plus, for tonight and the 26th, the Gardens are kept open late so you can see how the glass is illuminated after the sun goes down. Jenn and I went last week and it was spectacular. But hey, if you think watching marionettes 69 each other is a better way to impress your girlfriend, more power to ya, dumbass.

10.08.04: Well, if you've gotten this far, you've likely already noticed the first of the Big Changes here at the ol' Pod Ranch. That's right, the Podoscope is up and running. And it's great news for people who like to watch weird things through small holes. Every so often, there'll be a spanky new video beaming in, so check back soon. Let me know if you're having any probs with the 'Scope, it's still under warranty.

10.01.04: Okay... that was officially the longest gap between updates in recent memory. I apologize... but I am simply overwhelmed with work at this point. The clouds are parting however, and soon not only will I be back again, but with lots of updated goodies for the site. So hang in there, it'll all be worth it. Get Flash if you don't have it though, I'm sick of doing this site in HTML. Anyway, some links to clean out...

Here's the next advance in stupidly-huge automobile technology that we'll no doubt be subjected to (complete with spinning rims) here in the ATL.

Here's the way they make a domestic abuse PSA in the Great White North. Here's another one. That ain't no way to treat a lady, eh.

Here's a list of the best Futurama moments that someone complied for some reason. Yeah, there's some good ones in there.

Here's a really funny Photoshop contest from people who just can't deal with George Lucas' tinkering.

09.07.04: Happy belated Labor Day and Wampus' birthday! Yeah, I've been gone a few days. Work has piled way too high, so I haven't really had time to tell you about how well the Art-O-Mat Event at the Whole Foods on 8/26 went (it went great!), or how totally sleep-deprived I was (I really only recovered a couple days ago!), or all the cool local artists I met, like Amber Boardman, Elliwati and Phlox (I don't have links for them, sorry, and there were other great artists there as well... did I mention I was HORRIBLY SLEEP-DEPRIVED?). I also got to hang with Clark again, and good times were had by all. Also, the Garbage Pail Kids cards I pencilled and inked the comic strips on the backs of (but not lettered: the legendary Jay Lynch did that, and colored most of them) have come out; the numbers for the ones I've found so far are:

So grab a pack and check 'em out. Anyway, I gotta get back to work before I have a seizure, so here's a buncha links for you:

Click here to learn some terrible secrets about Donald Duck.
Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash: it is officially a reality.
Here is the transcript for Ali G's Harvard commencement speech. Booyakasha.

08.25.04: Are you sleeping well? You know, "like a baby", or log, etc.? Would you like to put a stop to it? Well, here you go!

If that doesn't scare you, I finally saw Alien Vs. Predator (no link deserved), and it sucked like a lamprey. I hope both those franchises are now dead. They deserve it for this movie. Pure shit.

And, to cheer you up (especially if you saw "AVP", and need a reason to live), here's a joke Erik from the Baton Rouge Cartoonist Society sent me that I think you'll enjoy (hopefully my girlie Jenn will read it and start feeling better too)...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

08.20.04: A lot of people have been sending me this link, so of course I gotta post it here (though you've probably already heard about it, but what the hey). Yes indeed- it's the Drunk Bear. Not Bear With Searing Gas Pain, which, let's face it, I posted this link here to get people to watch, but a bear that has a taste for bold, Pacific Northwest brew. Which is pretty funny. Especially when he drinks more than thirty cans of it. Hey- we all knew Busch was swill water.

And hey, all you folks who think the sun shines out of Michael Moore's huge ass- here's a movie about him! Yayyyy!! (Well, sort of. Who knew National Lampoon was prescient, or funny again?!?)

08.16.04: Hey, guess what? I'm worth exactly $2,140,454.00! And my parents said I'd never amount to anything, har har har! Well, technically, we're not talking financial solubility here; we're talking black market price. Wanna find out how much you're worth? Click here and fill out the relevant questionnaire. Help your loved ones pick up some extra coin.

And guess what, art poops now. You heard it here first. Artificial shit sells for $1,000 a loaf. I'm going to go eat a bullet now.

08.13.04: Happy Friday the 13th! Hopefully I got my bad luck out of the way on the 12th, when I scratched up my bumper something awful trying to finagle a free parking space so I could see Raiders of the Lost Ark at the Fox. But then, I never looked at Friday the 13th as bad mojo anyway, more of a holiday. Hells yeah! Happy Friday the 13th!

So... are you not horribly nauseous today? Would you like to be? I'm talking stomach-churningly, gaggingly nauseous? Well then, click here and read this entire article. And I mean the whole goddamn thing. Don't stop at the headline. That's right... now it's in your head that such a thing could happen. You read it. You can't un-read it.

Okay, now that I've probably made you ill, here's something that will make it all better. Trust me on this one. This is not a trick. It's an affirmation of everything that is good and true about this world. Don't watch it at work. Here you go. Sorry about that couch thing.

08.11.04: In the spirit of this Friday's premiere of Alien Vs. Predator, here's something from another movie I'll be approaching as though I'm to be brutally sucker-punched... the new Batmobile from the upcoming pseudo-apology Batman Begins. I'm too tired to complain about this. I guess ol' Bruce borrowed the car from Mad Max. It must be great to be a Marvel fan; it seems like they stick their dick in their fans' eyes a lot less when it comes to live-action movies. And the first person to tell me it's an homage to Frank Miller's Batmobile from The Dark Knight Returns gets a free kick in the nuts.

And though this is a little late, here's the final nail in the festering coffin that was Garfield: The Movie. See, Garfield could gib a fuk.

08.08.04: How 'bout that? I took a bit of a break there. Despite the fact that I haven't updated in a hog's age, I really have nothing new to report here. This is because I now have easy access to a jacuzzi. Work is easier to ignore now. Not good, but what are you gonna do.

Anyway... here it is, August, when I pretty much promised John's Arm V: Five Fingers Of Fury would make its debut, and guess what. It ain't done. I haven't been able to conjure a script yet that I don't feel is crap. I don't really see a point in doing a fifth one unless something new can be done with the concept, and obviously it has to be funny. Sure, I'm watching everyone else crank out forty thousand chapters of their own animation series like it's the easiest thing in the goddamn world, but I gotta be a stick-in-the-mud. Yes, it's been over a year since the last John's Arm. I don't care. I don't want to put out crap. Same deal with the fourth chapter of Tiniest Restaurant. The pieces are there, but they don't gel as a whole. JA5 has no climax. Neither does TR. (I'm tired and abbreviating.) Yes, I haven't done an animation in months. Believe me, I lose sleep over it. Sometimes my poops come out funny. Sometimes there is trouble.

The truth is, I want the fifth and final (most likely) installment of John's Arm to be as good as this. It's the most perfect game show in the universe. Don't look at it at work, or if an old lady's around. Just FYI. And don't worry, I'm trying to get JA5 out by fall. We'll see.

By the way, the Justice League Unlimited and Venture Brothers shows were freaking awesome. Rick James shuffled off his freaky coil recently too. That was not awesome at all.

One last thing- I think Bjork is losing it. It must be rough looking like she does and not getting cast in any of the Lord of the Rings movies.

07.27.04: I got some more movie news for you today. Unless I've been misinformed, the title for Star Wars: Episode III is... (unnecessary drum roll...)

Revenge of the Sith. Which I'm pretty cool with. It's a little strange to have another "of the" title; admittedly that was the evidence my friends and I utilized to argue that Ep 3 wouldn't have an obvious title like Fall of the Jedi/Republic or Return of the Sith. But it's nice to give a final reference to the original (YES IT WAS) title of Episode 6, even if my wishful theory that Ep 3 would have a unique, arty, one-word title, like Betrayal or something, went in the toilet. And let's face it; Ep 3 is going to blow your fucking balls off. I even have a sworn affidavit to prove it. Deal with that.

Also, despite the news that uber-hack Quentin Tarantino is going to direct one of the three segments of the upcoming Sin City adaptation, word is the film is going to be super-faithful to Frank Miller's noir masterpiece, and get this... Josh Hartnett isn't playing Violent Marv. MICKEY ROURKE IS!!! And, according to imdb.com, guess who's playing the silent cannibal sicko Kevin? Elijah Wood. Holy CRAP is that final, unbelievably bloody scene between Kevin and Marv going to be disturbing. How now Frodo?

07.26.04: Murr. Me no happy. Why me no happy? Because I finally saw a commercial for the heavily-anticipated film Alien Vs. Predator. It's not that I don't think it'll be good. Or fun. I love the idea of Antarctica being a boot camp for teenage Predators, with hordes of xenomorphs thrown in to keep it from getting too easy. And I was so glad when Freddy Vs. Jason was a huge hit (and when I saw it and realized I was wrong when I thought it would suck), because I knew it'd kick the door down for more movie icon faceoffs. Surely you've heard whispers of Ash Vs. Freddy Vs. Jason from the always-reliable internet rumor mill (and from the wonderful Bruce Campbell). So what is my problem, you ask?

Alien Vs. Predator is PG-13!!! PG-13!!! What the blood clot?!? Every Alien movie and every Predator movie (all two of 'em) was rated R! Why they do that?!? How can there be the proper amounts of bloodshed and gut-rending? What the hell kind of Alien movie is going to be rated PG-13???

I guess we'll find out. My guess is, a sucky one. Suckier than Alien 3 sucky. Suckier than those stupid Dick Tracy suits they made Bill Paxton wear in Predator 2. I was counting on this movie to breathe bloody life into two wheezing franchises... now I'm afraid it'll bury them both for good.

But, what do I know. I'm gonna see it anyway. Hopefully I'll be proven wrong again...

07.20.04: This here's pretty funny... go to this site and type in any word, and it gives you a "cyborg" acronym. I typed in "polesmoker", and I got "Person Optimized for Logical Exploration and Sabotage/Machine Optimized for Killing and Efficient Repair". So next time someone calls you a polesmoker, you can be proud, for you have a purpose! Plus you get to pick what your cyborg looks like. Smoke pole with pride, polesmoker!

07.15.04: And now for today's installment of This Frigging Blows. In a display of assholishness unseen since 20th Century Fox's unholy crusade to wipe the internet clean of Simpsons .wav files, Hasbro, the company behind my beloved Transformers, has told Translabels to shut its virtual doors. Yes, I can understand this from a copyright standpoint, but if you ever checked out Translabels, you would understand my outrage... imagine that you, like me, have an original Autobot Prowl from 1984 (it was the second TF I ever got; the first was Soundwave). Prowl being a 20-year-old toy I've had since my tumultuous childhood, his decals have seen better days. I could put in an order at Translabels, and boom- I get a replica (on FOIL PAPER, nonetheless) of Prowl's original decals. In an hour or so, Prowl stands proud once again, no longer doomed to look like a cyberhobo. Plus Translabels had kits to make your Jetfire evil, or to turn your Starscream into a "ghost" with special glow-in-the-dark stickers, just like on TV. It was such a great site, and the guy behind it put so much work into it, as well as the labels. GodDAMN, this pisses me off.

Like I said, I understand the copyright issue. But to me this seems like another swing at the fans. For instance, let's bring up Prowl again. Hasbro can't slap his name on ENOUGH product; in the past few months, I've gotten a Mini-Con named Prowl and a Micromaster named Prowl, whom I can only guess are gadding it up with my Transmetal 2 owl named Prowl (sigh) and George's Robots In Disguise Lamborghini (?!?) named Prowl. Plus the geniuses at Hasbro, unfettered by the fact that they JUST RELEASED an Energon Powerlink race car named Prowl THIS MONTH, are slapping the name Prowl on a repaint of Armada Red Alert that comes in a box with a repaint of Armada Starscream (even though Energon Starscream also only came out a few months ago, and Armada Starscream has been redeco'ed at least three times already), inexplicably under the name "Energon". (I'm not even mentioning all the Prowls I HAVEN'T bought, like the lion, or the Hot Wheels-type car.) You could look at the name "Prowl" as Cybertron's equivalent of "John Smith", but come on. This blatant overuse of the same name over and over taxes even Dreamwave's "alternate universes" explanation, and let's face it; it explains EVERYTHING.

Hasbro needs to understand that the reason this toy line is going strong after an unprecedented TWENTY YEARS is because of US. We're not stupid, and we're not going to buy just anything, or stand idly by while the greatest toy line in history is run into the ground by an idiot company. We put up with the ugly "tri-lingual" packaging ending the "Tech Specs" era for good. We put up with a repaint of the most expensive TF in years- Unicron- coming out about five fucking minutes after the original. We put up with the most execrable cartoon shows imaginable with every subsequent TF incarnation, understanding that TFs are still s'poseda be for kids, who of course LOVE to have their intelligence insulted with idiotic crap. But name one single other toy line that inspires the level of devotion TF fans like Translabels and millions of others provide. Like this thing I posted yesterday. Do you see this kind of stuff from fans of G.I. Joe? Or Strawberry Shortcake? Pokemon? No. Because that shit is stupid.

So wise up Hasbro. It's going to take a lot more than an occasional Alternator (even though you FUCKING IDIOTS MADE TRACKS YELLOW) or Masterpiece Prime (though it truly is the finest toy I own, and I actually take him places with me) to keep Transformers going for another 20 years. You can do it. It's just a matter of LISTENING TO YOUR FANS. You've got a great thing going; a toy line that adults can share with their own children, because they themselves grew up on it. Don't fuck it up. Do us all a favor and hire the Dreamwave guys not just for purty artwork, but for story and concepts as well. Or better yet, hire me, George and Phil. We'll work cheap. But we won't ever slap the name Prowl on ANYTHING, EVER.

(And lastly, I'm not saying that the toys aren't great. They really are better than ever.)

07.14.04: Is your computer constantly under feline assault? Do you live in fear of cats taking control of your files and folders, and peering into your hard drive? Well, cheer up; PawSense is here. Be sure and click that link, and read about how PawSense detects "Cat-Like Typing", and don't forget to read the FAQ to learn what to do if your computer is threatened by a baby. I'd love to tell you more, but if I do, blood will spray from my nostrils.

Also, my friend Jeff sent me this. If you're a Transformers fan, you might want to prepare yourself before you watch it. It will blast your freaking ass off with its sheer awesomeness.

07.13.04: This past weekend Jenn and I watched the BBC comedy The Office in its entirety. Though I doubt I could watch it all again, I have to say it was pretty much a masterpiece. It's an absolutely concentrated example of a style of humor based in extravagant humiliation, where characters say the most indescribably awkward things over and over, yet nothing ever exceeds the realm of possibility. The fact that the show is presented in a documentary format only makes it more believable, and every actor involved is incredible. I liked it a lot. Cue the universe to fuck it up!

Ah, here goes. Yes, the universe never fails! Everything I give a shit about MUST BE RUINED. (Halle Berry, go FUCK YOURSELF. "Catwoman" MY ASS, you stupid BITCH. CATWOMAN HAS NO FUCKING SUPERPOWERS, YOU STINKING HO-BAG.) All due respect to the fabulous Steve Carell, who's unfortunate enough to fill the shoes of the brilliant Ricky Gervais as the unctuous "boss-from-hell", but is there nothing we Americans can't sully? According to a user entry (scroll down that link), the first episode is word-for-word, excepting the things that were "too British" for us moron Yanks and thus had to be changed. That's so unbelievably fucking lame-brained. I guess we can expect flavor-of-the-month references like "botox" and "Atkins diet" and "Justin Timberlake". This just sucks. After watching both series of The Office, I told Jenn I wouldn't have been able to watch the show if it hadn't been British. My reasoning being that in an American setting, it would hit too close to home. Not that it would just straight up suck. Now I have another reason.

But hey, the American taste in sitcoms is so frigging stupid that maybe it'll be a hit. Hey, maybe it'll be as good as Caroline In The City, or Working. That was sarcasm, by the way. Also I hear that Coupling is getting the same treatment. I don't care. I hate that show. That blonde with the bulging blue eyes scares the living shit out of me.

07.10.04: Yeah, okay, it's not the 10th as I post this. But I may or may not be around on the 10th, so I figured I'd hook you up early. Plus there was some stuff I wanted to say before tomorrow anyway...

First of all, it's no secret I didn't like Anchorman, despite the fact that I saw it for free. Well, regardless of all that, I feel I have to state that the movie does have some very funny parts. Just not nine bucks worth. Will Ferrell is hilarious, but to be honest I feel redundant even saying that. When isn't Will Ferrell funny? Steve Carell positively steals every single scene he's in, but once again, I feel like I'm repeating myself; I've never seen Steve Carell when he wasn't a total scream, the man is a comic genius, and his delivery is a marvel to behold. Then Jack Black shows up, and the scene he was in (a textbook demonstration of "aesthetic distance"- you'll know what I mean if you ever see the film) caused me to laugh so hard I'm surprised the fraternity tool seated in front of me DIDN'T turn and stare at me again, as he seemed to enjoy doing so for most of the film. These frat morons, they can't puff up in front of their dumb girlfriends enough, can they? Just come out of the closet and fucking deal with it, tough guy.

Alright. This is officially the last thing I'm gonna say on this site about Anchorman (unless I bother to write a review... not likely); it's a lot of talent squandered. These guys (the great David Koechner- officially one of the only reasons to bother with the "renovated" Saturday Night Live around 10 years ago- pulls in some great screen time too) deserve much, much better. Paul Rudd too. Honestly, this movie could've been so much better... the concept is ripe, the talent is there (Christina Applegate can deliver a joke as well as look pretty); it really stands out as a "could've been". Fruitlessly, I was really hoping for a comedic film in the vein (pun intended) of Boogie Nights (even though that film is very funny). I just thought so much more could've been done with what they had.

One last thing- as skeptical as I was, the new Beastie Boys album is frigging awesome. The beats are just fantastical, and the Boys sound grand (though MCA sounds raspier than hell... I guess the Boys aren't really boys at all anymore). There's even a sample from a hint video for Defender from 20 years ago. Ah, did that ever bring back memories. So go get one. I've been all over Dirty South rap for so long now it was nice to enjoy some NYC Old School.

07.09.04: Well, it looks like Anchorman comes out today, so if you've ignored my repeated warnings thus far, I'll just add another reason the movie blows; Vince Vaughn actually flubs almost every one of his lines. Seriously, I thought maybe he was trying to give his character a stutter or something. I couldn't understand most of what he was saying. Who knows, maybe I was seeing a rough cut rushed together before the premiere. It sure seemed like it.

And you know what sucks far, far worse than Anchorman? AOL. Hey, AOL, if you're reading this, FUCK YOU. You SUCK. You're "number one" because you send CDs to every fucking household in the country, not because you're worth a shit. Since I got my new rig, I've tried many times to re-install AIM, and every time I get a pop-up on their site that says "The document contains no data". Well, I must be a fuckin' idiot then, because I TYPED THE FUCKING DATA IN. So any of my friends out there, who are wondering why I haven't been on AIM for ages; it's because AOL is a seething mass of cock-gobblers.

07.07.04: I forgot to mention some other things that sucked about Anchorman yesterday; namely, the fact that there's stuff in the trailer that isn't in the movie. This always bugs me. That whole bit with Will Ferrell walking into an open file cabinet from the preview- I'm not saying it was comedy gold, but it's nowhere to be found in the film. There was some other stuff left out, but it really wasn't interesting enough to recall. I thought about yelling "I'M CANKERMAN!" out loud during the movie, due to the large open sores on my lower lip that refuse to heal (no, it's not herpes, it's the result of a nervous habit I have; under stress, I suck my lips and cheeks through the gaps in my teeth in my sleep), but reconsidered due to the cop lady scanning the aisles for cameras. Her presence was pretty much the only thing keeping the idiot frat fucks in attendance quiet... why can't we get a cop lady in every movie?

The Wacky Packages tattoo I stuck on my left bicep a week ago finally came off. Hats off to Topps, they obviously have the temp tattoo process down tighter than tight. The thing was so huge (it was #45, "Foolgers Coffee") I thought for sure the skin beneath it would putrify. It did itch like a mother. I looked pretty tough, you betcha, with a big red coffee can emblazoned on my girlishly thin arm. And now it's gone. Maybe I'll get another one today on my weekly comic shop trip- I almost have the whole new 1st series of Wacky Packs complete.

Lastly, I don't know what ever happened to that cute little black spider outside my window I befriended months ago, but a new spider has moved in. His web is freaking huge, as is he; big and snarly-looking with black/yellow striped legs. I may try and clean up my room a bit and make some hors d'oeuvres before I break the ice. He looks to be all business. I'll warn him to avoid Anchorman, but somehow I sense he already knows.

07.06.04: Okay, so tonight I went to an advance screening of Anchorman with Will Ferrell. It pretty much sucked monster clam dong. I knew that it would going in, but still, it was a real mediocre mess. It's not Tommy Boy terrible (though it is close), and there's enough funny stuff from the supporting cast (particularly Steve Carell as a closet retard) to almost make it worth watching. But I can't really in good conscience recommend this flick, Christina Applegate's hotness notwithstanding. She smokes a lot though. Blech.

There's camoes galore; Ben Stiller, Tim Robbins, Jack Black (though honestly, what isn't he in), Vince Vaughn, and the ever-lovable Fred Willard nails some great punchlines. But overall it feels rushed and slapped-together, and the jokes feel uninspired, as though they were the best takes from a lackluster improv session. The plot certainly doesn't take any risks, and is definitely predictable, and though the characters are acted competently you really couldn't give less of a rat's ass about them. Inexplicably, the blooper reel that plays over the end credits includes a blooper from Smokey and the Bandit. I'm not kidding.

Go see Spiderman. Just watch out for the hideous previews before it. Jesus Christ, Thunderbirds? Christmas with the Kranks? How does John Grisham sleep at night?

07.05.04: Happy 5th of July! I just saw a commercial where car parts were lobbed into a field from what seemed like a great height. This went on for like five minutes. I have no idea what the commercial was for. Now Megan Mullally from Will & Grace is setting fire to something. I think I'm probably going to go to bed.

Oh yeah, Spiderman 2 was really, really good. Lots and lots of fun. But holy god it was freaking hotter than shit today. I walked out of that theater after the movie and I felt like I'd been shot with a stinky moist ass beam.

07.01.04: Finally, I feel rested enough to update after the incredible MoCCA Festival in NYC last weekend. As for the details of the plane trip, to best understand them you need to shove a pair of rusted salad tongs into your urethra, or any tiny, sensitive orifice. Suffice to say I am eternally grateful to have such a patient and wonderful girlfriend, one who did her best to change my mind as I took the fact that we were stranded in front of another sold-out hotel, in the bafflingly freezing June rain, somewhere in New York (after nearly having to spend the night in the equally-frigid LaGuardia Airport), as a sign to quit cartooning forever.

Well, asshole world, you ain't getting rid of Matty Boy Anderson THAT easily. No amount of day-long flight delays, Mexican fathers who think it's oh-so-charming that their miserably spoiled offspring like to shriek FUCKING CONSTANTLY on long plane rides, pushy old fat bitches who can't wait for me to get my satchel out of the baggage scanner, microscopic airline seats, ice-cold Sprite in the crotch thanks to an errant fold-down tray, morons playing Vegas card-sharp on the tray attached to my seat while I'm peacefully trying to read my fucking Dostoevsky book, "Gay Pride" parades that blocked off traffic in NYC all over the place Sunday and kept my father and 11-year-old sister stuck in traffic for THREE FUCKING HOURS when they tried to pick us up as we sat waiting out by a gargantuan pile of garbage (NYC stinks, literally), or any other bullshit I am cosmically destined to endure in my role as Eternal Shit Magnet will sway me in my sworn duties. This weekend was a test. A test to see just how much crap I would put up with for comics. And I passed, motherfucker. I passed with flying goddamn colors. All the evidence you need was at the Atlanta airport, as we returned home to our sacred, beautiful, paradise of a city, as I sauntered like Marla Singer into the path of an oncoming car. As the unsuspecting soccer bitch inside screeched the car to a noisy halt, I looked at her and said, "Go ahead, try and kill me. I fucking DARE you."

Despite the hallucination-inducing sleep deprivation, the Festival was a rousing success. To think, I used to bother with that DragonCon sham. I was again awash in tons of brilliant comic artists, as well as hundreds and hundreds of people who love cartoons. My table was shared with the Baton Rouge Cartoonist Society, a very talented group of guys who were also as nice as could be, and made my first go-around at MoCCA as an exhibitor that much more enjoyable (check out their website). I saw the super-cool Royal Flush Magazine guys again; don't just have a look at their site, order their magazine, it's fine stuff. I got to chat a bit with Evan Dorkin... well, I chatted, since the poor guy has found himself in an admittedly adorable state of Pekaresque laryngitis. I gave out ashcan copies of the Bands I Useta Like book, tons of Invisible Inc. stickers (though I was really unprepared for the show, and didn't have any figures made), and I drew custom bookmarks for the masses, in my charmingly exhausted state. I even met the first woman ever inducted into the National Cartoonists Society, Hilda Terry, and then my lack of rest caught up with me and I almost collapsed. I bought a t-shirt that reads "My killer robot skull-fucked your honor student" for the plane ride home. I met tons upon tons of cool people, and I got an assload of head-swelling ego trips for my portfolios. And every second of it made me want to draw comics more and more. Then it's on to the next one of these shows, and you bet I'll drag Jenn along with me, because lord knows, if she hadn't have been there, I'd have torn someone's arm off and bashed out their brains with it. She's a super lady.

06.25.04: It's official; I will be exhibiting at the Museum of Comics and Cartoon Art Festival at MoCCA this weekend in NYC. If you're in that neck of the woods, come on and check it out; not only is it a great show, but I'll have lots of cool stuff to give away (while it lasts), like an ashcan edition of the Bands I Useta Like book, and an exclusive Tailothepup sampler, Boner's Manual, produced in very limited numbers (!). I'll also be sketching up a storm, because I'll be having to sit there all day. So bring me some drinks and munchies. Hope to see you there, it's gonna be a blastaroonie.

06.18.04: Okay, I want everyone who's all about staunchly defending Madonna for some reason to look at this. Because she's starting to go a little fruity. Apparently she's changing her name to "Esther", which, regardless of its religious significance to her, is going to make her totally sound like an old maid. If an announcer called out something like "Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome, ESTHER!!!" before she came out on stage, I would fully expect to see a 75-year-old woman with phlebitis, a walker, beige control-top pantyhose and a white wig to hobble out. It's a name that makes most men think of their great-grandmothers. Celebrities get more retarded every year. Speaking of which (and speaking of "fruity")...

Gwyneth Paltrow should start frittering away money now for her the extensive psychotherapy her daughter will no doubt require as a young adult. Why? Because the stupid bitch named the kid "Apple". I swear to god, I don't think celebrities can get any more preposterously lamebrained. You know what would have been a better name, Gwyneth (what should I expect, when your OWN name sounds like a lisping puke-burp)? Let's see... how about "Assclown"? Or "Jiz-Jar"? Or "Trust-Fund Sponge"? Eh, what does it matter what the kid's name is. (Plus, I imagine Gwyneth is planning to home-school the brat to keep her from the ridicule she so richly deserves.) In 18 years there'll be footage of her gagging on some strange dude's schlong all over the internet.

06.17.04: Hey... do you like the band Phish? Maybe you're distraught over the fact that they're breaking up (though honestly, as a fan, I can say it was a long time in coming), and would like to see them one last time? Then git in on this here auction while you still can. And be sure to scroll down and read the sordid details of the auction. Man. Kids these days are so goddamn STUPID!!!

06.15.04: You meet lotsa people on the internet, of all stripes, whether you try to or not. If you're an aspiring (read: barely able to stay afloat) animator like myself, this is true even moreso; getting your work out to people requires you to submit it to Flash showcase sites, such as Newgrounds. You put it out there, and people give you feedback. Sometimes they love you. Sometimes they hate you. Sometimes things happen that surprise you like a Mack truck slamming into your left temple.

In submitting work to Newgrounds, I've gotten a pretty wide range of reviews, mostly positive. Usually when I get a review from someone new, I click on that user's profile and check out their animations. Occasionally I would get very positive reviews from someone who called himself "Livecorpse". He had established a real love/hate relationship with Newgrounds and its users, and when I started watching his animations, I began to understand why.

Livecorpse's animations looked to me to be the work of your typical frustrated young guy. Lots of blood and killing, violence, and the like. Similar to the work of Beavis and Butthead, from that episode where they're assigned a class project to create a frame-by-frame animation. Yet I saw in his work a sort of strange progress; though his work was crude, you could see an effort to better himself, and his animations slowly grew more complex. Plus, he was supportive in his own reviews of other people's work, more often than not; an admitted rarity among NG users. And, of course, his cartoons were not without their own weird charm, and I often caught myself cracking up at them (here's an example). He also had a real sense of humility about his work, and I tried to encourage him in reviews. He seemed to me to be a confused young kid, who was doing his best to work his darker impulses out creatively. I related to him. I went through the same mess.

Then, this past Friday, on the 11th, after a long run from the police that resulted from him shooting a policeman in the thigh, he shot and killed himself in his apartment.

I did some research when I found out. It seemed like a hoax at first, and indeed, a cocksucker declared that he was going to commit suicide on the NG Forums a couple months back, and I fell for it, trying to offer him sane advice (and roping in a non-NG friend of mine for the ride) until I realized the little shit was sitting back and laughing at everyone. But in this matter, the evidence soon began to pile up, in the form of legitimate news reports. Then I found his suicide note, which painted a clearer picture. Well, as clear as it all was going to get.

Chillingly, the quote in Livecorpse's NG profile reads, "We like to think we spend our time preparing to live. In reality, we are preparing to die." He makes numerous references to death and suicide in his reviews and forum posts. He definitely had a preoccupation with death and killing that now appears to be all the more unhealthy. But such a thing is so common on the internet. Say what you will, at heart it's a vessel for the darker human urges and qualities.

06.07.04: Well, this is a little bit rough. Sometimes, I google the names of people I've fallen out of touch with, a habit I've only recently developed after having access to the internet for five years. This has proven to be a way for old friends to find me as well. So I googled the name of one of my best friends from college, Brian Duke, whom I hadn't seen or heard from in many years, and I found out that he passed away three years ago yesterday. And it's hitting me super hard.

All of the crazy stories I tell about the halcyon (and few) days I spent at college involve Brian in the starring role, more often than not. I remember his quest to pierce nearly every inch of flesh on his face. I remember the time an old lady gave him grief for his unique attire as we walked down the horrible streets of Savannah, GA and he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at her, and I spent the next 20-or-so minutes doubled over laughing behind a parked car. I remember the incredible way he re-decorated his dorm room, lining the walls with photographs, and milk crates he fished from a balcony above the back of the dorm where they were hidden, using a long rope and a coathanger as a hook. I remember St. Patrick's Day 1991... no, scratch that, I don't remember it, except for the vague sensation of Brian and our friend Kristy hoisting me in a two-man carry back to the dorm, after I imbibed some 40+ shots of vodka, tequila and whisky. I remember patrolling the city streets at night in our friend Mark's truck, listening for accidents over the din of blaring hardcore. I remember his penchant for cutting a sleeve from his t-shirt and fashioning a headband to hold his scraggly hair out of his face with it. I remember the time he became so aggravated with his comically-mismatched dormmate that he dragged the guy's bed out into the hallway and locked him out. I remember when he and our friend Chris returned from a GWAR show, stained head-to-toe in GWAR blood, and how he proudly refused to change his clothes for several days. I remember the incredible contribution Brian and our friend Ken made to the inaugural issue of Mike The Pod Comix; breaking into the administrative offices of our alma mater and running off reams of copies on the machines there until they were not only caught by school security, but literally thrown out of the building. I remember the times when I was overwhelmed with frustration and anger about my life, and Brian was always there making my laugh, and forget about it all, as we randomly busted into some long-since-abandoned house or building.

I could fill this page with memories about Brian. It goes on and on. Mostly, I remember his face; pale, wide blue eyes, and the strange way his lips, stamped with any number of safety pins and metal accoutrements, would curl into his own unique smile. You know, the kind of smile where it looks like there's just not enough face for it. I'm angry that he's gone, and I'm angry at myself for not trying to get back in touch with him sooner. There's just never going to be another guy like Brian. I loved the guy, and now that I know that I'll never see him again, it hurts like I can't even believe. I keep thinking about the time ten-or-so years ago when I ran into him and Kristy at Kroger, after I hadn't seen them in ages, and it was as if no time had passed... we were still the same old crazy college pals, frolicking in blissful squalor. A moment frozen in time, in the Frozen Food section.

Goodbye Brian. You're gone, and now there is a void that nothing will ever fill, both in this world and in my life. So long good friend.

06.03.04: Admittedly we're taking our sweet time with the upcoming album, but there's a new song (though we're not sure if it's "done" yet) from Tailothepup, titled At What Cost? Why are we taking our sweet-ass time with the new album? Because we don't want to hand you, our beloved fans, a slapped-together chunk of crap, that's why. If that means not putting out another album until it's damn good and ready, then so be it. You deserve as much. So here's the latest mix of the new song, and guess what- it's got yours truly playing bass on it. This may sound unusual, but it's kind of a first; I usually only play bass when we perform live. This time I decided to just learn the part and play it, instead of fabricating a bassline with sound editing software. Ironically, it takes longer to build the stuff artificially than it does to simply learn to play it on an instrument. So I guess I learned my lesson. Anyhoo, enjoy the tunes.

Coming soon: a use for those "Pod Points" that come with every Invisible Inc. figurine...

05.28.04: This is an open letter to the individual who created the "Break Cam Jones out of police custody" level on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

I hope your dick gets bitten off by a wild animal. I hope your dick gets caught in a thresher, and is ripped out by the roots before being ground into paste. I hope your dick gets AIDS, herpes, dripping medieval sores, and cancer all at the same time. I hope your dick gets slammed in a bank vault door. I hope your dick catches fire and the only liquid available to put it out with is rocket fuel. I hope your dick gets stuck between the cracks in the steps of an escalator. I hope your dick AND balls fall off and YOU DIE. I would openly celebrate your PAINFUL, AGONIZING DEATH.

Why? Because you took a game I was having a blast with and you made it as much fun as humping a handful of ground glass. Die, fucker. Die.

And you know what, I bet it was YOUR stupid idea to make the new GTA PS2(shitbox)-exclusive. I hope you get raped in prison. Die. Die. Die.

05.25.04: BUBBA HO-TEP IS HERE! ON DVD!!! So I am officially declaring today, May 25th, "Bubba Ho-Tep Day". People who've been to this site before don't want to hear all this again, but Bubba Ho-Tep is one of the greatest comedies ever, up there with classics like Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. And, as I've said about a billion times before, IT HAS ELVIS AND JFK FIGHTING A MUMMY IN AN OLD FOLKS' HOME. See it, damn you, or I will HATE YOU. FOREVER. So go buy your copy now; the DVD has an audio commentary track of Bruce Campbell as Elvis!!!

05.24.04: Congratulations Mariah and Brian on the birth of their baby Aidan Connor! Well, I'm jumping the gun, I haven't heard confirmation that it's happened just yet, but I figured I'd post anyway. And don't worry, I won't go into a weird rant like I did when I announced Jeff and Michelle's baby here.

Okay... I'm working up to a rant, so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. But be sure and watch WB's Superstar USA tonight. Just... trust me on this one.

05.18.04: It's official, folks: Earth sucks. Yes. I hate this planet so much right now, I wish I were a supervillain so I could at least attempt to blast it to atoms. Earth fucking sucks diseased donkey dick in hell. Why such rancor, you ask? Here's why.

I honestly didn't think humans could get ANY STUPIDER. Admittedly, I don't live in Savannah, GA anymore, so when I walk down the streets of this gleaming metropolis known as the ATL, I'm not treated to as many beyond-morbidly-obese human blobs as I once was, the folds of what was once a human abdomen forming a frontal ass that droops to their stump-like ankles. (Christ, the fucking MAYOR of Savannah was something out of the Guinness Book of World Records when I lived there. Rumor has it he ATE Fat Albert and his whole gang, with Boss Nass for dessert. He makes Don Vito look like Jack LaLanne.) But I guess now we're all destined to be fleshy garbage bags. People in my native country eat like food is on its way to becoming illegal, especially chocolate and similar swill, and here we are making it MORE addictive. Garth Motherloving would be proud. I hope the creators of this monstrously evil candy die of a combination of future brain AIDS, megacancer, and astro-herpes. I am DISGUSTED.

But then, we ARE talking about an article in The SUN, after all; it's not like it's REAL news, just nonsense about brainless British pop-sluts and the tsunami of salt-and-pepper soccer-player cocks they vacuum into their loathsome swampy birth-chutes (with some grainy pictures of Paris Hilton looking like an emaciated dick-slurping anteater version of the green chick from Star Trek's "The Menagerie" thrown in for good measure). Maybe it's just the good ol' Brits I'm disgusted with...

05.17.04: Happy Birthday Jenn!!! I just got done watching the Triplets Of Belleville DVD Jenn got me as an early birthday present. I'll probably watch that thing until it wears out. So help me god I'm gonna go through it frame-by-frame to try and understand how they did the things they did in this incredible cartoon. Get a whole pile of copies. It is SO GOOD.

And lookie heeyar: NewGrounds saw fit to bestow upon yours truly the honor of Front Page for Animals Are F***ing Crazy. Be sure and look soon; Front Page is indeed an honor, and a fleeting one (NG is a busy place).

05.16.04: Check it out: Animals Are F***ing Crazy placed third on NewGrounds! I'm sure James Whackler would be very proud, if anyone was able to currently locate him. He said something about "having to work when the inspiration hits" and tore out of the MTP parking lot in his little brown Yugo right in the middle of the AAFC wrap party. If I didn't know James the way I do, I'd be insulted, but that's just the way the man works. Plus Frank and Ikea made short work of the huge shrimp platter I bought for the occasion, so no harm done.

Here's an interesting factoid: my hero Andy Kaufman died exactly 20 years ago today. I learnt this l'il tidbit while reading about an even more dismaying factoid: David L. Lander, known to most people as Andrew "Squiggy" Squigman from Laverne and Shirley (as well as Smart Ass of the weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) has multiple sclerosis, the same syndrome my mother suffered from until for many years until her death. You can read an amazing article about David here. I'm happy to see David seems to be on top of it. The article is quite inspiring.

05.14.04: Ah yes, it's that time again... surely, you noticed the signs? The lack of new blog entries, for one... Yes. There is a new animation here at MTP. No, it isn't Bonk, like I promised, or Tiniest Restaurant 4 or John's Arm 5, though those are all up the pipeline. It's the return of James Whackler, the documentarian who brought us Brunch With A Supervillain. After two long years he's back, and he's got a new documentary for you. This time it isn't super-beings he's filming, it's something more common... the world of animals. And as James will tell you... Animals Are F***ing Crazy.

Why the "***"? You'll have to see the animation to find out. (It still won't make sense. I just have a theory that the sound of bleeped cusswords may be funnier than the sound of the cusswords themselves.) This movie was an experiment for me- I did it in four short days, and it uses a different style of line than my other ones. I'm not in love with the look, but I had to try it out. So enjoy... and pay attention to Mr. Whackler. He loves you.

05.07.04: Hey, since I neglected to post on Cinco De Mayo (don't ask), I have a little treat for you. Well, it'll be a treat for you if you've always wanted to see Britney Spears naked (that should nail me an assload of hits from Google, eh?). Sure, this could be a total fake as usual, but this is a really good fake if it is, you have to admit. Rumors are flying that Britney is going to appear in Playboy. I think that's probably hogwash (unless it's a desperate publicity stunt **cough**Janet**cough**), but anyway, here's the picture. Whether it's really her or not (would she have taken out her nipple piercings for this shoot?), you have to admit it's a pretty hot picture. (Plus I think it finally proves "they're real".) Enjoy, as I shamelessly try to wrangle hits from search engines again: BRITNEY SPEARS NUDE. And speaking of search engines...

It's time once again for me to enlighten you as to the weirdo shit that people type into Google and such that brings them here, for some reason. Brace yo'self...

anthony kiedis pedophile: Really? Yikes... Imagine him near a playground with that goddamn sock on his pecker... Geez that guy bugs me...
ashton kutcher cokehead: I guess that shouldn't come as too much of a surprise.
acrylic skull bong: Uhhh.... Dave's not here, man. And neither is Chong, so beat it before you get me in trouble with that Nazi Ashcroft.
alien spaceship unearthed: Shhh! Shhh! Shut UP, dude!!!
celebrity foreskin: Ugh. The less I know about this the better.

05.04.04: Happy Birthday Will! I literally waited until the eleventh hour to upload this page. I wanted to wish Will a happy birthday, but I couldn't find any news to piggyback on the greeting. Ah... wait. Here we go. Annnnnd... here. There we go. Happy Birthday Will! Here's hoping you enjoy the random news I slapped onto your big day!!!

05.03.04: I'm going to finally put in my two cents here. I hope next season of The Simpsons is a vast improvement over this season. I can only recall one episode that I thought was good, and that was week before last, where Marge and Homer were eluding Bart and Lisa cross-country so they could have sex. Every other episode this season has ranged from shopworn and uninspired to downright unfunny (don't make me bring up that fucking Evita homage again). Okay, the one where the family cat died over and over was alright, but I can't think of another good one. I want to see The Simpsons hit the Big 20, and not go the way of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, where there isn't even a legitimate reason to watch it anymore, it's so painfully humorless; Christ, how about getting them out of the house, for fuck's sake? But hey, I guess a message board full of 12-year-olds fawning and mewling in blind reverence counts as a focus group nowadays. What? Sour grapes, you say? Fuck you. Go eat shit off your mother's dick.

Oh, and I guess I don't have to make fun of The Matrix at all anymore. Not only did the two sequels do it for me, but now there's this. Amazing how things that suck ass eventually work themselves out. Now if only Quentin Tarantino would get caught fucking a corpse, or a small boy, so I wouldn't have to hear any more about his idiotic Kill Bill garbage. Roger Ebert, you must have lost your fucking mind. Or... was it your soul? I always knew I preferred Siskel for a reason. Even when you two were frothing all over the latest Boyz N The Hood clone in white-liberal-guilt-induced crapulence, he was still the brains of the pair. Sorry. I know you wrote that Russ Meyer movie and all, and I hate to put down a fellow fan of monster tits, but you've had it coming.

And lastly, if you're a motorcycle rider who's not a preening trust-fund baby a-hole or an aging yuppie with a cashew for a penis, you'll get a kick out of this.

04.29.04: Hey, remember the outrage you felt when you read the last link I posted, about the teacher ordering two boys to throw a girl out of a window? Well, that was nothing. Apparently the education system in this wonderful country of ours is far, far worse than certainly I ever dreamed. Here's why. Yes, a 15-YEAR-OLD BOY was narced on TO THE SECRET FUCKING SERVICE by his art teacher and principal because he drew our idiot president with his head on a stick, and our idiot president as a devil firing a missile. You read it right. Adults, presumably with common sense (though I'm being generous; we ARE talking about AMERICANS after all), who are charged with teaching OUR NATION'S YOUTH (you know, most valuable resource and all that), decided to turn a CHILD over to the authorities for SOMETHING HE DREW.

Hey, you know what? FUCK AMERICA. WE SUCK. This is why every other nation on this festering mudball is pointing and laughing at us like our flies are open, and our tiny wangs are on full display. VOTE KERRY. VOTE THIS DUMB, INBRED, HICK, FASCIST MOTHERFUCKER OF AN EXCUSE FOR A PRESIDENT OUT OF OFFICE THIS FALL. VOTE FOR A FUCKING DIRT CLOD IF YOU HAVE TO. VOTE FOR CHARLES MANSON, OR ANNA NICOLE SMITH, OR A POLAROID OF YOUR OWN ASSHOLE. BECAUSE IF YOU VOTE FOR BUSH, YOU'RE A GODDAMNED IMBECILE, AND YOU WEAR A SHIT-FILLED DIAPER. I've FUCKING HAD IT.

And here, I'll do the dirty work for you; here's the email addresses of the relevant cocksuckers from the above article. Do the country a favor and tell them how preposterously stupid and dangerous their actions were. Tell them maybe they should seek a different line of employment, perhaps shoveling elephant shit in some third-world country. Someplace totalitarian, where they can snitch for a cut in the bread line.

He drew PICTURES, you ignorant, cowering motherfuckers. If everyone who draws a nasty picture of Ol' Georgie deserves interrogation from the Secret Service, then I guess it's time to round up Garry Trudeau and all the other political cartoonists into... oh, I don't know, whaddaya say, Mr. Asscroft, some kind of internment camp? Maybe an electric cattle prod up their ass would burn all that "freedom of expression" nonsense right out of them. God Bless AmurKKKa!

This incident is deplorable, the latest in a marathon of execrable moments in American history. You know it, and I know it. Four more years of this fucking moron and we've cashed our chips.

Besides, look how much more of a sense of humor other dictators have. We SUCK.

04.23.04: Okay... here's your daily dose of "WTF?!?" Simply click here, read the relevant article (hopefully you won't have to go through all the form-filling-out crap like I did, but you can just fill it all out w/fake stuff... like I did), lean back, and go "WTF?!?"

Jesus. I know if that was MY daughter, there'd be a teacher in Conyers who should learn to sleep with one eye open. And I tell you what- I'd come correct with a shiny new grill afore I busted a cap in that muthafucker's ass. Werd.

FYI- Things are going pretty slow here at the ol' MTP because it's finally time for a computer upgrade of some sort, loath as I am to part with my baby. But I've been trying to do some stuff with animation, music and video that the ol' girl just can't handle. So be sure to expect some sort of ridiculous tribute to my old computer, much like the memoriam for The Plate when he shuffled off this mortal coil.

04.20.04: FOUR TWENTY, YEEEAAAAHHHH!!! Time to kick back and... relax. And guess what? I found another Which Transformer Are You quiz, this one encompassing a broader range of bots. On this one I got Ravage, another Decepticon! Boy, the evidence is really piling up, ain't it? And speaking of evidence really piling up... Ahem... I'm just sayin' is all...

04.16.04: Happy Birthday Randy and Jeff! And hey, are you not having enough nightmares lately? You know, the kind where you wake up screaming, clutching your chest, soaked in your own sweat and all that? Well, boy howdy, have I got the solution for you! Just click here, and scroll down to the picture on the page! One you see that and read the accompanying text, you'll be having nightly horrorfests in no time. Guaranteed, unless you're a freak, or a Dalek!

Now I've got just the thing to help you recover from that... we're going to find out what Transformer you are! Just click here and fill out the test. (For the record, I'm Tidal Wave! YEEEAAHHH! Giant robot aircraft carrier! RAHHH!!!) It's all part of a semi-lame promotion for an upcoming video game I won't be able to play because I decided to go with a better and more powerful video game console. Just like the upcoming new GTA! Thanks a big-ass heap, COCKstar Games! Guess you don't need MY fifty bucks, huh?

04.13.04: Maybe you're not a DEVOtee like I am (translation: drooling DEVO fanatic), but you'll probably find this interesting, and it'll likely give you a whole new perspective on the band. (And if you're one of those fucking idiots who was all like, "How DARE DEVO cover the classic CSN&Y song 'Ohio'!", maybe it'll shut your stupid yap.)

04.12.04: Happy belated Easter everybody. I'd like to offer my sincerest condolences to "Weird Al" Yankovic, who lost both his parents to carbon monoxide poisoning this past weekend. It's downright awful to see something so hideous happen to such a wonderful guy. How wonderful is "Weird Al"? After the incident he still performed for his fans at a scheduled show. You have my deepest sympathies, Al.

On a much lighter note, X-Entertainment attended the release party for the new Transformers video game, and check it out- not only did he make off with all sorts of cool swag, but there's a drink menu with Mini-Con names for cocktails! They even have one for my personal favorite- the "Knockdown"! Why, I think I'll go whip up a whole passel o' Knockdowns right now! Ah, bliss... getting drunk on the porch at 2 in the afternoon on another requisite beautiful Atlanta day, with Transformers on the brain...

04.09.04: Check it out- here's some of the worst album covers of all time! That's right- these covers are even worse than Steely Dan's Can't Buy A Thrill! Even uglier than Nirvana's Nevermind! (Though the music's probably better on these!) Dare you look? Dare you? Dare you???

04.08.04: In case you've missed it in theaters, here is Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ in a nutshell. For free! Enjoy, and mazel tov!

04.01.04: Pardon me if I sound a little shaken here, but my friend Ted and I just got back from seeing Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. It took a while, but I finally caved into the hype and checked it out.

Whoa. Never before has a film had such a... profound effect on me. I hope I'm not sounding cliche here, but seeing the suffering of Christ portrayed so vividly, so amazingly and so brilliantly, put a whole new perspective on my life, and the wayward path I've been following for so very long. So, as of today, I am preparing a new version of this site, with more of a positive message. You regulars may hate to see a lot of (well, pretty much all of) the old content go, but you have to understand, this is important to me, and who I am spiritually. Next week, I will be premiering a new animation to replace my old ones (which I'll be erasing after I finish writing this); it's called What Would Jesus Do? I'm producing it with an Atlanta Christian group I met outside of the theater. I'm hoping it will promote healthy dialogue about the teachings of Christ, just as Mel Gibson's brilliant film has done. I'm also giving away all my Marilyn Manson CDs, if anyone's interested; I won't take any money for them, however, because my new friends say that the money would still be evil, and anything I spent it on would be forever sullied. My copy of the Necronomicon's gotta go too, so email me if you want it. Please include your name, so that I may pray for your soul once you receive these items. Oh, and one more thing...

You know, I wondered if I should even let the joke go THAT far. Unless you're a complete stranger to this site (and if a Google search for The Passion brought you here, I sincerely apologize... leave. NOW.), you knew I was full of shit the second I said "Whoa." I use expletives like "goddamn", and "Christ-fucker", and "Jesus H. Tap-Dancin' Shit-Eater". Not just on this site; in front of children. And old ladies. I've never shaved my head because I'm sure it sports more sixes than a Japanese calculator factory. Forty-five seconds in church makes me wail and bawl like the kid from The Omen. I'm a surly agnostic with an attitude towards organized religion that's roughly as pleasant as boiling vomit. Blame Jack Chick. That goddamn Christ-fucking Jesus H. Tap-Dancin' Shit-Eater is wholely, 100% responsible.

Jokes aside, I did actually see the movie. It's not bad. It's well-acted, well-directed, and the costumes are pretty amazing. However, we are NOT talking "snuff film" here. It's no more gruesome than Braveheart. I couldn't really understand why there was such a fuss about the gore. I grimaced a good bit when the Roman razor-whip dealie came out, and clusters of bloody fat began to ooze from Jesus' HELLACIOUS AND VERY CONVINCINGLY INFLICTED wounds, but honestly, from the way most people reacted, I expected the film to be a two-hour torture marathon. Which it most certainly wasn't. It's pretty good, for a "God movie". The only serious missteps, other than the constant misspellings of Caiaphas' name in the subtitles (even my heathen ass caught those), were the intermittent appearances of an androgynous Satan and his legion of evil midgets. Just when I started to feel moved by the Christ's death on the cross, there's a jump-cut to some weird rock-video-looking shit with the ugly browless bitch who plays the Prince O'Darkness cackling away. Other than Lucifer and his l'il pals, the movie comes off fairly authentic. I suggest you have at least some working knowledge of the people involved though, because in my case, I couldn't tell who was who, in terms of Jesus' family and groupies. And oh yeah- Peter Gabriel better open a can of whoopass on whomever crapped out the soundtrack, because it is lifted from The Last Temptation Of Christ, wholesale.

So that's about it. I don't feel as though my time or money were wasted, and I wasn't magically turned into a devout Christian, either. I'd say the movie's a whole lot less dangerous than some people are making it out to be. Of course, I'm not Jewish, so I can't really say for sure. I tell ya one thing though- it sure was PREDICTABLE! I saw that ending coming a MILE AWAY!

03.30.04: Great news! Bubba Ho-Tep is coming to DVD May 25th! Yes indeedy- last I'd heard we had to wait until this fall, but now it's comin' out a mere two days afore mah birfday!!! Be sure and get one- this is a LIMITED-EDITION Collectors DVD from MGM. Here's the skinny:

-Widescreen 1.85:1 Color Brand New Transfer of the Film
-Multiple Audio Commentaries featuring Bruce Campbell and Don Coscarelli
-An entire commentary of Bruce Campbell as "The King" (!!!!!)
-14 page color scrapbook of never before seen photos of Bruce Campbell
and the cast and crew
-Limited Collectors Edition packaging with never before seen and newly
created artwork
-The Brand New Bubba Ho-Tep Documentary
-The Never Before Seen Bubba Ho-Tep Music Video
-"Rock Like an Egyptian" making and scoring the music of Bubba Ho-Tep
Featurette
-"To Dress a King" the making of the "Elvis" wardrobe featurette
-The Theatrical Trailer
-The extremely rare Bubba Ho-Tep Television Spot that aired in select
markets
-An extensive photo gallery with ALL never before seen photos of the
cast and crew
-3 Deleted scenes featuring Bruce Campbell and clues to Bubba Ho-Tep's
Ancient past w/commentary by Bruce Campbell and Don Coscarelli

...and MUCH MUCH MORE!! You can pre-order it, NOW, at the Bubba Ho-Tep website. Sorry for all the boldface, but you HAVE TO UNDERSTAND HOW GREAT THIS MOVIE IS! SHOW THE KING SOME LOVE!!!

03.26.04: Hey... remember that "badass robot" I said I'd drawn that I promised to show you last time I updated, roughly 14,000 years ago? Well, here it is. It's a Walloper, a giant robot exo-suit used by a race of land-craving aliens known as the Bisolites. (That's a Bisolite Walloper pilot running the show in the command capsule up top.) They're called "Wallopers" because they don't utilize that many projectile weapons, they simply show up in large groups and bash whatever civilization they wish to take over into submission with their big, chunky hands and feet. I built a 10.5" tall Walloper back in the mid-90s, but I haven't posted any pictures of him on the Invisible Inc. page yet because it's gonna take some time and effort to photograph and lay out all of his features. His head is removable and becomes a four-legged escape capsule, his chest comes off and transforms into a one-man floating transport (with fold-away handlebars), and panels in the fronts of his calves open up to reveal storage areas/prison cells where stuff/people can be stashed. See what I mean? It's gonna take some doin'.

The Walloper concept art is something I did for the 4th Series of Invisible Inc. figurines, due later this spring; each box comes with a sticker with that picture, or one of several other integral Invisible Inc. characters. (Even Harbinger 23... not that that name means anything to you, yet...) If you've bought Invisible Inc. figurines in the past, there's a slim chance that one of these stickers may have a super-cool drawing of a figurine you own! How 'bout THAT? Of course, you'd probably have an easier chance of catching lightning in a bottle, but that's fun too, isn't it? Sure it is.

If you're a Simpsons fan, and you made it past their baffling, way-too-late, not-so-funny rip on Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace last Sunday, I have some good news for you. Matt Groening's Bongo Comics has released the "official movie adaptation" of Radioactive Man. What makes this even greater than it should be, is how seamlessly the writers incorporated the clips from the ill-fated film seen in Simpsons episode 2F17, entitled "Radioactive Man", from almost ten years ago. It's a perfect companion to a classic Simpsons. So go to your comic book store and check check check it out. Yeeah.

03.17.04: Happy St. Patrick's Day! How am I celebrating? Well, I drew a big robot. Yep. Party on! Other than that, uh... I'm really tired. Sorry, I'm pretty disappointing today, I know. If I had my shit together, I'd even have a copy of the big robot here for you to gander at. But I'm a poop today. Eh. Sorry.

03.12.04: Correction: the 3rd Series of Garbage Pail Kids are due out this September. The 2nd Series is out now, and not only are they fun as hell, some packs come with one of three promo teaser Wacky Packages. I tell ya, between this and the new Transformers heyday reminding me of the halcyon days of my yoot, who needs therapy. Truly this is a golden age.

Speaking of bygone days, you absolutely gotta go see Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. It could easily pass for the type of 50s sci-fi B-movie Mystery Science Theater 3000 would have had a field day with, and it's howlingly funny to boot. Hot chicks too. Go.

03.09.04: Okay... here's the official explanation for why I've been lax on blog entries here for a good while. Trust me, it's a doozie. I've been working with the legendary Jay Lynch on comic strips that will appear in the 3rd Series of Garbage Pail Kids, due to be released this summer. If you know me, then you know what a huge deal this was for me, and how incredibly freakin' exciting it was. 7 cards of the 3rd series will have comic strips pencilled and inked by yours truly (plus one I just did touch-up inking on). I've been collecting GPKs since I was 12 or 13. I used to get kicked out of class for drawing them. Now I got a chance to get paid to draw them. Plus Jay is a great guy. All in all it was a fantastic experience, and I got to live out one of my lifelong goals. Hotcha!!!

When the series comes out I'll tell you which ones I did. For now I gotta get back to work on all the other stuff I put off to get the strips done. So one of these days there'll be a new animation, as well as lots of other goodies.

And if you don't really care about my big news, and you're just looking for the pictures of Janet Jackson's boob from the Super Bowl (hasn't everyone seen it by now?) or the illicit pictures of Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars: Episode III, click the link below.