by CFMS Faculty 12.27.07

Oct. 22, 2007

To the parent, guardian or legal advisor of student Willis Ratliff:

It has recently been brought to my attention by several faculty members that Willis has, on numerous occasions, been disruptive in school. If at all possible, we would like to schedule a friendly meeting with you, or if you prefer, an adult who legally represents Willis, to discuss his increasingly unusual behavior. If Willis has access to an internet connection, you might consider limiting his exposure to the internet, as he seems to have accumulated a number of inappropriate words and phrases. He insists upon disrupting class with nonsense about fictional holidays. If Willis continues this practice, further disciplinary measures will be taken, up to and including expulsion.

Please consider this information, as well as the future of young Willis, and do not hesitate to contact me at my office from 6 to 3 on any weekday. Schoolchildren are quite susceptible to influence, particularly in these crucial formative years. We cannot control how Willis behaves at home, but we can ask that you get involved with him, so that you can better understand what might be influencing him negatively. Oftentimes the culprit is a popular video game, or an unsuitable cable channel. We are only too happy to help with young Willis, particularly if we can initiate a healthy line of communication with you in the process, that might circumvent future frivolous lawsuits. I eagerly await your reply.

Sincerely,

Dr. A. Landis, Vice Principal
Coleman Francis Middle School

Nov. 2, 2007

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Ratliff,

Your son Willis is one of my students in sixth grade math. I am writing to inform you that his incessant outbursts are making it nearly impossible for me to teach my class. I have tried to contact your household using the number we have on file, but the phone is always answered by a disoriented-sounding man who claims he has no idea where you might be, but that you are "probably dead or some shit". So I am forced to attempt to reach you via mail.

I am all too aware of the hormonal fluctations of students in Willis' age group, but I personally feel that this is not the reason for his behavior. Some of the inappropriate or unusual remarks that Willis has made this semester include:

• Reports of "surveillance" on tenants in his grandmother's boarding house, so that he can "gather information on them"
• Wild tales of how one of said tenants is a "mutant hybrid" plotting revenge (?)
• Inaccurate and offensive ideas about women and sexual intercourse that indicate he has been greatly misinformed by someone
• Descriptions of illegal videotapes he has somehow acquired, that contain many subjects wholly inappropriate for a school environment
• Declaring the 26th of December as "Joewalshmas", which, he claims, he was told is a perfectly legitimate holiday.

  In my professional opinion, Willis is most likely in contact with a person who is a bad influence on him. Someone of substandard intelligence and questionable morality is putting thoughts in his head. Willis has always struck me as a very impressionable boy, though not the swiftest boy I've known, and I very much doubt these ideas are coming from him.

  Please feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss this further and hopefully resolve this matter. If it continues, there may be question whether Willis will move on to seventh grade.

Sincerely,
Karen Klitz
Math Room 604

Nov. 19, 2007

Mr or Mrs Ratliff:

It is of the utmost importance that you contact us regarding Willis. We have made repeated efforts to get in touch with you, and have had no success. We are required by state law to continue teaching Willis, but you must understand that he has been reprimanded nearly to the point of expulsion, and his lack of decorum and misbehavior have been of great detriment to the other students' learning experience. Despite our repeated efforts to remind Willis that he is being insensitive to the others when he insists that "Joewalshmas" is as real a holiday as Christmas, Hanooka or Kwanzie, he insists that he has a right to "observe his holiday". We don't have Willis listed in our Special Needs file, but I've scheduled Dr. Norkastromberg to meet with him on Friday to ensure we haven't made an oversight.

We would also like to ask that you impress upon Willis how unacceptable it is to replace "Merry Christmas" with "Happy Joewalshmas Man" as a greeting. All the children look forward to this season with such zeal, we can't allow Willis' outbursts about pools and lawn chairs to disturb that. I might also mention that Willis' behavior has made him a popular target of the other children, who have taken to ganging up on him at random intervals and spitting upon him. We're doing all we're obligated to do on our end, and we desperately need your assistance, however little.

Please treat this matter as urgent, and reply at the earliest opportunity. If we are unable to reach you before winter break, we will be contacting a social worker and Child Services. As it stands we don't know if anyone is caring for Willis at all; his odor and hygiene are always disagreeable, which is the only thing keeping the other kids from beating him harder.

Sincerely,
Dave Edgars-Rectom
Dean of Students
Coleman Francis Middle School

Dec. 2, 2007

FROM: DR. NORKISTROMBERG'S OFFICE
TO: VICE PRINCIPAL LANDIS
RE: WILLIS RATLIFF PARENT MEETING

Tony-

You were right on the money about the Ratliff kid; if his parents are above ground, I'll eat my hat. Some weirdo showed up as his legal guardian. The guy looked like he'd been huffing gasoline all day. He said his name was "John"-- that was it. Didn't bother with a last name. Didn't look like he had brains enough to remember one. The certificate he showed me that granted him legal guardianship of Ratliff-- it was literally on a piece of toilet paper. When I laughed and informed him that it was in no way valid, he called me a "sloppy bitch blood fart".

I had Edda call security, and asked this "John" what on earth possessed him to do this. He made some mumbling comments about "doing a MySpace hoax" and "doing it for the lulls", before beginning a diatribe about how Willis should be allowed to "observe the holy day of Joewalshmas", or "Muslims will come to the school and kick everyone's shins and ballsacs in the name of Mohammed." When security entered, I asked John to repeat his comments, at which point he BOLTED into the hallway, screaming about how he was missing his favorite ape show, and he knocked Dave into the coffee cart. Security chased him on foot until he escaped campus-- Dave got into his little Hyundai and looked everywhere for him. We asked Willis if John was friend, relation or total stranger, and the fucking kid started in with the "Joewalshmas" shit again. I gave him another notice, told him to give rugby or wrestling a whirl, and shoved him out the door.

Jesus wept, Tony-- I knew before I moved here this place had some chemical leaks and some shit that made the people stupid, but this is off the goddamn chain. Hit me up on my cell for shots later at Tweetz. I gotta drink until that ugly little bastard is erased from my brain.

-Fred