by Guy Vichysoisse 11.13.07

My, it certainly is exciting, all these writers on strike, is it not? Stalwart Hollywood scribes standing together, united against the Man, with earnest yet rat-faced midget Eva Longoria hurling pizzas to the picketeers? All of Tinseltown is feeling the pinch, as productions big-screen and small grind to a halt. Some analysts predict the strike will deliver a fatal blow to the medium of television, driving bored humans in mass exodus to the internet's vast filthy plateau in search of entertainment. You would think that would come as great news to us, but in keeping with the tradition of nothing working right around here, our writing staff went on strike as soon as they heard about the Writers' Guild doing so, dragging our pathetic update frequency down to an even more shameful level than normal. But fear not viewers, although our bullpen is lined up out front of the office freezing their little balls off for whatever reason, we remain dedicated to bringing you the best programming we know how, agreeable union terms or not!

The following material was hastily prepared by MTP's Head of Programming and that one summer intern guy from Sweden who didn't sleep the entire time he worked with us.

BEAR WITH SEARING GAS PAIN
OUT OF HIBERNATION SPECIAL

It's no secret that Bear, one of the Pod's most "IRL-famous" stars (and the closest thing we have to a celebrity), is borderline impossible to direct, with or without a writers' strike. In the past we tried to steer the viewing public away from Bear's erratic behavior and constant maulings, but over time, the world came to love those things as part of Bear's charm. Still, these same qualities have kept BWSGP:OOHS in development limbo since 2004. I wouldn't count on seeing it anytime soon; Bear aggravated striking conditions by removing the spines of numerous picketers forcibly, and swinging their severed heads around on them like a cat o' nine tails.

THE TINIEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD: THE TINYING

Thanks to self-proclaimed documentarian James Whackler's fatally overbudget third installment of his "epic common man saga thing", all chapters fourth and beyond are stuck in dev-hell as well. Whackler tried to recoup his losses with that animal thing he did, in a failed pitch at going mainstream. Then he gut-shot his credibility by diddling with the assistant of that burnout "consultant" he hired; rumor has it James is actually the director of that "After Dark" video, using the name "Rutherford B. Layys". Though to be fair, that video is pretty hot.

YOU GOT SHANKED!

The latest season of YGS was a runaway hit, with viewers everywhere tuning in to see who would get shanked when they least expected to be shanked. We ran out of promotional shanks so fast at this year's ShankCon that the company in China that manufactures them for us was shut down by the FBI as a threatening weapons distributor. But the corporate overlords at YGS parent company GammaComm didn't appreciate the proliferation of shank clips all over YouTube and Google, so they sued to have it all taken off. Since nobody wants to watch programming that isn't completely free, YGS' ratings plummeted, and it was cancelled. (The strike only made its case worse; YGS would be nothing without writers to write who is to be shanked.) All hope is not lost however: the show's return is called for in numerous useless online petitions, as well as viral "e-shanks" making the rounds through innocent email browsers.

BAT-WIELDING ALPHA MALE

Like the Tonight Show is to NBC, or the Daily Show to Comedy Central, BWAM is to Mike the Pod. Have no fear; this Peabody-award winning debate show isn't going anywhere. I think we can all agree that once the cameras are on, it's the host's show. He isn't afraid to ambush guests with hard-hitting questions, and he has a bullshit-detector like no other. Word is his people are trying to get Britney Spears on the show, which could be spectacular, or it could be hackneyed and akin to something from the early '00s.

THE BEARDLINGS

Production on this classic kiddie cartoon has been suspended until the strike is resolved, because apparently it takes a degree from Harvard to write stories about little green turds that sing and pop out of people's food and toilets. I know there's a community dedicated to this crap and its endless tableau of plastic toys on the internet somewhere, but that still isn't saying much, when there are communities on the web brought together by their love of eating dog feces. Yes, an entire generation of basement-dwellers will die if they can't wake-and-bake while Beardy Beard fails YET AGAIN to ask Beardetta to the Beard Day Ball, but it's not like these bottom-feeders would have split the atom or anything one day.

YEE-HAW!

Classic cast members of this ancient variety hour, like Yane Westland Dixie and Tillie Willie, may have died long before you were born, but that doesn't mean we can't rerun their old sketches until you forget! Especially since the laugh-free '80s revival with Homely Joe Jacob's son was abysmal, and let's not even talk about that live run in 1994. It's an old showbiz adage that you should only film incredibly old entertainers on tape, instead of live, where a rapt audience gets to watch them keel over, piss themselves and croak. It really takes the dignity out of the passing of legendary singers like Slim "W.C." Hindlick. Thanks again, "Yee-Haw Ninety-Faw"!

LOTHAR, LORD OF LIGHT

I'm pretty sure this sort of thing is just some guy filming his hamster. Personally I'm not thrilled with the fact that the bulk of MTP's output is animal acts. Also, everyone I've ever known who's kept a hamster as a pet has been a total creep. I'll spare you the Richard Gere jokes however, because 1) that was allegedly a gerbil, and 2) why don't you talk about how tough Chuck Norris is, because it's every bit as played out. Anyway, if you enjoy watching a hamster mutilate peanuts and dig adorably, you should be fine, because no effing way does this series have writers.

SOLDER ZOO

Are you kidding? They can't kill this show. By which I mean, it appears unkillable, despite the fact that all it is is two incredibly stoned dudes who mash bits of soldering compound into what they claim are intended to be zoo animals. It's been on the air since the old Last Laugh days of the late '90s. Nobody dares to mess with the impeccable formula of "just let these guys into the studio with their dubsack and wizard bong and turn on the camera after they've baked themselves into drooling oblivion". As long as they have weed and solder, who needs writers?

That concludes the inside scoop for the moment, but for the duration of the strike, we'll be updating you on how it affects this popular comedy website. How popular you ask? Try comparing it with your favorite URLs on Alexa. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised, and you'll come away understanding why we love China so very much here. Don't forget to keep coming back: Joewalshmas and Skanksgiving are just around the corner, as is the release of that goddamned DVD, so I hear!

See you in the stars, my luvlies!

-GV