• Mouth Fart
by Matty Boy Anderson 10.09.08

Fuck yeah, the new South Park is starting! Plus, they re-ran that Warcraft episode I'd never managed to see before! It was pretty good! I'm actually kind of surprised how much I've gotten into this show for the past few years.
I mean, I used to be hung up over how shitty the animation and design were, but over time South Park won me over. I've really enjoyed some recent ones, like the Tourette's episode, and that out-of-the-blue Heavy Metal homage, with the improved animation.

I think it's the only show I watch on Comedy Central.

I admit I'm also a little excited to know what topic South Park will take on for their big premiere. The promos were mum on details, so I bet it's something REALLY edgy and provocative.

SWEET! It's starting! Look at all these great snippets from the last few seasons! Haha, ass blood! Guffaw! How bold!

Oh man... this is DEFINITELY going to be good, with all this build-up. Kyle and Stan are racked with guilt because one of their friends was RAPED! OOO!

Maybe it's Cartman? Does he have amnesia maybe? Because he isn't acting like anything's wrong. Man-- I bet this is gonna be fuckin' GREAT! It HAS to be, with that crazy dream Cartman had about the Beijing ceremonies!

Ohhhh... wow.

THAT'S what this whole over-roasted rape metaphor was about? Not liking Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

THAT'S the fucking A Plot?

WHAT THE FUCK?! EVERYONE I KNOW liked that movie. Is this really worth dragging this lame joke out for an ENTIRE EPISODE?!

Honestly, WHAT THE FUCK? Are you telling me there's NOTHING going on in the world right now that's more deserving of being the focus of your fucking PREMIERE? NOTHING?!?

Oh my god. Are these rape scenes supposed to be funny? To anybody?

This show is a comedy, right? I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, not a half-hour of you belaboring a metaphor because you didn't like a movie. Jesus Christ. Who gives a shit! Wait--

"ALIENS"?! WERE YOU NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION? COME ON!!!

Congratulations. We're barely at the halfway mark and you've totally lost me. I feel like I'm watching Adult Swim. I can't imagine that this dumb B Plot with Cartman and Butters will pay off.

You get paid to do this, right? The reason I ask is that if I were you, I'd try a little harder. Maybe throw in some comedy on your Comedy Central show.

You know what-- if you're gonna have a bug up your ass about Family Guy, you need to take into account one simple fact. During their premiere, I laughed many, many more times than I'm laughing right now.

Really, even if I agreed with you, would any of this be funny at all? I mean, oh boy, re-enactments of oft-referenced rape scenes, what a laugh riot, ey?

Goddamn, do you honestly condemn Family Guy for their pop-culture references, while you yourselves had a show where you just threw in a bunch of internet memes and personalities? How is that any different?

What the FUCK? How much fucking CRYING am I going to have to watch on your fucking COMEDY SHOW?

GODDAMN IT. BE FUNNY. THIS ISN'T FUNNY. THIS IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF FUNNY.

Even Richard Dawkins fucking Mr. Garrison was funnier than this. How many episodes of Family Guy have I liked less than this? One. One episode. The one where Meg becomes a pop star. Pure shithouse.

Even that was better than this. FUCK.

Is your head COMPLETELY UP YOUR ASS? Crystal Skull, a movie I LIKED, was worth this level of ridicule? What about Disaster Movie, you ASSHOLES? What about a dozen other ACTUALLY SHITTY movies you could have had your little PERIOD over?

WHY DON'T YOU BASE A SHOW AROUND AN IMDB REVIEW WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, FAGS?

HEY FAGGITS, MAYBE I'LL MAKE A CARTOON THAT'S A HALF HOUR OF MATT STONE BLOWING TREY PARKER, WHO'S DIVING HILLARY CLINTON'S BRILLO-LIKE MUFF, WHILE MUMBLING "OOOH, I'M SOOOO FUNNY, I'M SOOO BRILLIANT..."

WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY? HUH?? FAGGITS??

Ohhh, except I don't have a TV SHOW on CABLE that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCH. So I wouldn't have the opportunity to waste people's time with such a ham-handed attempt at commentary.

...Huh. Big surprise. The Cartman subplot didn't pay off at all. In fact I don't even get what the point of it was. Wow, fags. Wow.

I feel embarrassed for watching that. I guess Trey Parker and Matt Stone really didn't like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Which is a movie I liked and was entertained by not once, but twice. Watching South Park's depiction of George Lucas' "rape face" was neither fun nor entertaining.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone should be raped by a rabid moose.

That's it. Fuck you assholes. Let me know if you decide to be funny again.

I'm done with this shit. Sarah Silverman can eat a dick. Her singing sucks anyway.

Copyright 1999-2008 Matthew M. "Matty Boy" Anderson, and MIKE THE POD LTD. Co.