by Un-Tourist Magazine 09.05.08
{We at Un-Tourist Magazine are pleased to welcome the input of MR. JACOBS, who provided invaluable reference to go with the photographs of Atro City snapped by our former lensman Thierry Carotid, whom we have not been able to touch base with since he turned in his first few rolls. MR. JACOBS has been Atro City Mayor R.E. FELCHER's most trusted assistant for seven years, and who better to suggest intriguing local curiosities? -UN.ED.}
We see a lot of "mod" young interns come and go downtown at the Mayor's office, and of course they all like to eat. Not anyplace the Mayor would be caught dead in*, but with Vile State, Atro Frontage Technical Institute, and other fine schools within the perimeter, our city has a steady supply of students that will eat just about anything. Thanks to them, our city enjoys a thriving restaurant district, and a stratum of homeless that eat better than your average public school kid.
*No offense intended to the late Mayor Lemore Ostrichmann, who was caught dead in the Mo Jing Happy Prawn restaurant, in 1993.
1. TENSIONHURST/BLAST DISTRICT
Despite this being one of our toughest neighborhoods, you couldn't ask for a trendier clubbing route. Fund-draining rich brats, crack-addled transients and novice costume-heroes add up to the perfect ecosystem for a hopping Friday night. You never know which caped crusader you'll find slumming at the world-famous Cape & Mask club. (PLEASE don't ask how it became world-famous.)
SIGHTS YOU SHOULDN'T MISS:
- The Waddle House on 55th and Stropwhetter, where James Whackler filmed "Brunch With A Supervillain", and misplaced his car keys
- The Hal P. Warren Memorial Bridge; longest bridge within 20 states, and record-holder for asleep-at-the-wheel dives into mile-wide Sonamo River
- Death House of Fare DeMidland, entertainer and star of the (original) "Yee-Haw!" television program (he also sang "Harlem Hoe-Down")
2. BOXVOODOO BLVD./THE TWEE TENNIES
Construction never ends at Gafdren Tower, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a hot cup of "black joe" at White's SkyView Cafe across the street, and watch the hard work through the gauzy veil of Atro's ever-present atmospheric sleeve. Or, depending on how well they seat you, maybe you'll see across the bay to Freedom Rock, home base of the legendary Superior Friends team. One thing you won't see is garbage. Our sanitation department was revolutionized in the late 1930s by revered plutocrat E. Powers White, and his sprawling family. The proud tradition of our clean city is carried on presently by White's great-grandson Biggott "Bright" White, and his gleaming fleet of White Trash Disposal trucks.
SIGHTS YOU SHOULDN'T MISS:
- The Trents Tunnel, which takes commuters under the river at reasonable speed (for rush hour, anyway); the films "Stella By Zardoz" and "Cottonmouth & Cocaine" (starring Burt Reynolds) were partially filmed here in the 70s
- ME WANT TOYS! Headquarters, and largest store in the entire national franchise; seven floors of confused, shrieking toddlers
- Sumo & Son Steakhouse, which offers not only fine dining in a dimly lit environment, but is a favorite of local mobsters and their attendant slutty daughters
3. EDGEBURG HEIGHTS
Home of the historic Ersatz Plaza Hotel, where over the decades showbiz luminaries and stars of all stripes have slept, or expired in humiliating ways. One of the most well-known examples is Eeka Whackler-Jared (wife of the legendary director Hostil Jared and great-aunt of documentarian James Whackler), who in 1929 somehow managed to commit suicide by drowning in two toilets at once. The Overlook Suite is now only open for photos.
SIGHTS YOU SHOULDN'T MISS:
- Weekday morning "World Of Gamma" tour of the Gamma Corp. factory headquarters, where you can sample paper thimbles of their latest sodas (signed waiver required by law)
- Silver Age Shining Example's "Re-Adjustment Camp" (decommissioned in 1968, but open for events and costume parties)
- This year's MegaloManiaCon, a national villain convention that draws thousands, a substantial percentage of whom are actually just perverts and not villains
I hope I've inspired at least a few of you to take exit 77-B off the Yibern Turnpike and visit our grand metropolis. Not as a "tourist", but as a friend. However, please do be sure to take 77-B and not 77-A. That leads to the industrial park where the Fisties building is, and it smells about like you think it would.
NEXT ISSUE:
Camp Wanagopepe, and other public camping grounds to avoid
Oddidestinies: The "Everything's A Penis" Store
Where Best To Feather Your Nest: Atro's Suburban Balloon-Knot
