The first thing I want to say in this article is that I am not bitter about being more or less cut out of the upcoming John's Arm-yada-yada-whatever movie. I'm not such a crusty old villain that I don't understand Hollywood jargon like "Your scenes were unfunny and dated". True, Mike The Pod gave me an auspicious tarting-up all those many years ago, but I will let dignity prevail and not spoil the climax of Armageddon here, as is my wont (and gimmick). But most importantly, I will not complain about my scenes- which, in the original script, were numerous- being reduced to a cameo in the movie's climax. A CAMEO!
I hope you didn't blink! I'm not even sitting with my sidekick there. That's some hench-chump they made me sit next to, him and that black smelly demon guy. I had to leave Taint in the van all day! There was just no dealing with him afterwards! He didn't even get a walk-on. No wonder it's been taking so long to get this DVD launched, if how they deal with a professor of Villainy like myself is any indication of their practices! I'm not even being a diva here; I've got tenure at Vile State! Do you know how many godforsaken semesters of Lair Acquisition I had to teach to earn that?!
I'm going off on a tangent here, moreso than usual. But the fact remains, that although there is a gag involving Tom Cruise jumping on a couch on the DVD (hahagotcha SPOILER LOL), my big scene with my loyal confidant Taint met the cutting room floor. Why? As I said, my scene was considered "too dated". (That assclown director also claimed that he couldn't find a voice that "sounded like John Lithgow with Asperger's", by why wouldn't they just use my regular speaking voice?!) The offending line that brought the ax, from the final script draft dated 4/5/06, was where I ruined the climax of the Harry Potter saga in the form of a threat. Here we are over a year later, and a schoolmarm has stolen my thunder!
Ain't THAT some sweet shit! But it does beg the question... although revealing the end of Harry Potter is supposedly "played out" (ahem, not my words); how good can this goddamn book be when knowing the ending apparently makes it useless? Some of the parents of the kids whose lessons included Spoiled Childhood 101 are considering some sort of ominously dumb legal action as we speak. All of this leads to another question I must ask:
Is the Harry Potter book as culturally valuable as Citizen Kane?
This also comes with a visual reference, much like my ridiculous "cameo" (I'm not even in the credits! For Christ's sake, "Abortion Clown" is in the credits! Oh, THAT'S going to be a great Imdb listing!).
There you go; shabam. An integral plot point of arguably the greatest piece of cinema ever committed to film by a misunderstood rummy, completely ruined by a show about a fat farting oaf. In fact, most people see Citizen Kane knowing full well what "Rosebud" means. I'll tell you what Rosebud means- it's the name of a Filipino hooker whom I have a sneaking suspicion is a man. Wait a second... oh, I'm sorry, my tape is "Citizen Came". Well, that explains it.
All kidding aside; where does the responsibility lie, and should the spoiler themself feel remorse? Why, on the internet, is spoiling certain material akin to donkey rape? Does it depend on the material being spoiled? For instance, in a Kids In The Hall sketch I was amazingly unable to find on YouTube, the twist ending to the mediocre Harrison Ford thriller "Presumed Innocent" is ruined for comedic efffect. The shemale ending of "The Crying Game" has almost become its own cliche, after being parodied on The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live. Anakin Skywalker is actually Darth Vader- and Luke Skywalker's father! Harharharharharharhar!!!
What if I were to tell you that Trinity dies at the end of that third Matrix movie... would you become enraged, or would you chide me for even thinking you would have sat through that chunk of shit? Has the director of "The Sixth Sense" embarrassed himself enough since that film that I can mention that in it, Bruce Willis plays a dead man, in casual conversation? Is the final scene of "Fight Club" so inappropriate to over-sensitive post-9/11 wussies that I can rattle off that Brad Pitt plays Edward Norton's imaginary friend?
You know what: talking about this is getting me so worked up that I'm going to show you that fucking "cameo" again. I'd also like to point out that a piece of that exploding podium lodged itself under my left cornea. Luckily, nobody in Human Resources will return my calls. I mean, it's not like I'm in constant pain or anything.
I haven't been able to wear that jacket since the production wrapped, it stinks so bad. Like rancid roast beef in a diaper. Thanks very much Mr. Dark Lord of whatever. This guy took twenty-seven takes, and all he had to do was stand up and hit his mark. Meanwhile I'm fighting back a retch every time he sits back down for another take. It was like getting a Dutch oven from Ernest Borgnine.
Well, I'm just close enough to my word minimum to justify padding out this last couple paragraphs. If you're one of those folks who we've fallen madly in love with because you've pre-ordered the JA DVD, you'll be happy to know that the latest forecast for release is this stiflingly hot month of August. That's the word from the top, anyway. All recent attempts to construct a trailer for this movie have failed hilariously. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not going to spoil it (largely because according to my contract with MTP, they can legally shoot or poison me), but since the absence of trailers has caused the fervor to die down, I'll throw you a few vague bones:
> The last word spoken in the film is "retarded".
> There is an on-screen suicide.
> There is a clown that performs abortions.
> The song at the end was sung by an actual crackhead.
> Moss Master compliments a woman on her petit-fours.
> There is a White God and a Black God. They have a death ray.
> John farts out of a stump-hole.
> Yet again, Gamma is careless with dangerous food additives.
> John's Arm's buddy Ernesto gets to lend a hand.
> Interracial sex is foxily implied.
I hope that can hold you for now. If you want me to prattle on some more you have to get your daddy to pop for tuition just like everybody else. Or at least an honorarium. Or at least look at my tour rider, is all I ask. For Christ's sakes, it's not like Al Gore's.
One last bit of authentic spoilage (sort of): Kudos to WebMD for resurrecting an archaic ethnic slur:
(click for larger image)
You stay classy, WebMD.
(By the way, there's a new Bands I Useta Like strip, and the book is coming soon, if you give a shit. I'm going to continue to campaign for a reasonable appearance in the sequel. Give me a shout out in the forums if you support me. Wait- what? There is no sequel? Terrific. Fuck life.)
