by Matty Boy Anderson 07.19.07
(Before we begin this year's festivities, would you like to pre-order the impending John's Arm DVD? How about some official John's Arm movie posters and postcards while you're waiting?)
Incredibly, it's time again for the annual 'Bortie Awards! I hope your office 'Bortie pool has made their picks, because the announcement of this year's 'Bortie winner is coming up lightning quick! Who will this year's lucky winner be? Who will take home the coveted golden Coathanger Kid? Which nominee would improve life on Earth the most if instead of being born, they were sucked out of their mother's crotch with a vacuum when they were nothing more than a gelatinous lump of half-formed fetus? We'll list the nominees in a moment; but first, let's hear it for international recording star Robbie Williams!
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"Ohhhh, you should have been an abortion, yeah
You should never have been born!
Ohhh, you should have been an abortion, baby
Aborted like a rape-baby in a dark NY alley!
Aborted, aborted, aborted, yeeaahh baby
You should have been sumped out like a clog!" |
Thank you, Robbie! Robbie Williams of Take That, everyone! Let's hear it for Robbie! Yeah! Now: on to this year's nominees!
NOMINEE #1: MICHAEL VICK
As the old saying goes, "every dog has its day". That's true, especially for dogs at Bad Newz Kennels, the rib-ticklingly misspelled dog-fighting venture on Vick's placid Virginia property. Pit bulls at Bad Newz are chained to buried car axles and pitted against fighting dogs from New Jersey, South Carolina, Texas, and other equally stupid parts of the country. If the hometeam dog is gnawed into defeat by the opposing canine, losing Vick's "purse" (along with its ears, face, and balls), Vick and his puppy-love posse slosh water on the pooch and electrify it to death, hang it, drown it, or feed it hot bullets fresh from the barrel of a .22. If you're thinking of attending one of Vick's posh pooch-mangling soirees, be sure to refer to the star Atlanta Falcons quarterback as "Ookie"; hollering out "HEY, THAT'S MICHAEL VICK! MICHAEL VICK IS A SCUMBAG DOG KILLER!" is strictly verboten. If you're nice, however, Ookie might take you out back to the dog dump, where lousy loser pups become fancy fertilizer. It's just like that scary Stephen King movie with that chick from Star Trek!!!
Benefits of aborting over birthing: Hundreds of pit bull terriers would never know the agony of forced combat, and they would be free to climb into any crib and behead any infant they pleased. In addition, Vick's family would be free of the blame he is plopping on them for the whole shebang, citing that he is "never at home". There'd probably be some differing football scores if Vick never existed, but you win some, you lose some. Right Ookie?
NOMINEE #2: ANDY DICK
Before we start, I'd like to ask everyone to conjure up a cherished memory of the beloved late comedian Phil Hartman. Maybe you'll recall Troy McClure, one of Phil's ninety million great Simpsons voices. Or maybe you thought of blustery Bill McNeal, his role on the simultaneously under-and-over-rated sitcom NewsRadio. I bet some of you out there love Phil so dearly that you called out "Chick Hazard" or "Captain Carl", just before wiping the beginning of a teardrop from your eye. When Hartman was suddenly slain by his wife in 1998, a hole was torn in this world that nothing will ever fill (no homophonous pun intended). Hartman was so ingrained in our lives with his hysterical wit, goofy grins and smooth radio-show voice that we all took him for granted and figured he'd be around forever. It was something of a mixed blessing that his murdering wife capped herself after doing the deed; had she lived, no doubt a small army of grief-stricken people would have seized her and ensured she made any of Michael Vick's shredded pit bulls look like Westminster Dog Show champion by comparison. Unless you're thinking about his death, simply the name "Phil Hartman" no doubt brings a happy smile to your lips.
Now let's talk about Andy Dick. Go ahead-- see if you can conjure up a similar happy memory of Andy Dick. Here's my impersonation of you right now: "Well, he was on the Ben Stiller show, right? Uhhh... I don't remember what he did, though... Didn't he used to be on MTV?" Exactly. Sure, there have been funny things Andy Dick did (intentionally) here and there. But for years, Dick has been on an unceasing quest to live up to his name. He acts publicly in ways that gold-shitting royalty wouldn't get away with, much less a "comedian". Sometimes it was harmless, like when he tried to lick Ivanka Trump so incessantly that Jimmy Kimmel had to literally drag him off his show. Then there's times like when he told Jon Lovitz that he had the "Hartman hex" and would die in a year.
Sure, we all cross a line now and again. Sick humor can be acceptable in the right circumstances, like when someone writes an unfunny web page about how life would improve if certain people had been aborted in the womb. But there's crossing a line, and there's enticing someone to make you kiss the bar with great force, as Lovitz did when Dick wouldn't stop being a Dick. Nobody can argue that the period of Saturday Night Live in which Hartman and Lovitz were part of the cast was the most creatively and humorously fruitful of that series' overlong run. Any drooling idiot would assume that Lovitz was close friends with Hartman, and maybe tastelessly prying open an old and very painful wound was a dumb idea. But we're talking about Andy Dick here. Maybe for an encore he'll spin the pelvic bone of Lovitz' dead mother on his cock. Who knows; he's an edgy guy.
Benefits of aborting over birthing: According to Lovitz, Dick insisted that Brynn Hartman do coke with him at a party, after she had been clean for ten years. Five months later, she perforated Phil with bullets. Draw your own conclusions. Is it possible that without Andy Dick, we'd still have Phil Hartman? However, without Dick, Jon Lovitz would be robbed of the act that would make him a hero worldwide, and none of us would enjoy living vicariously through him quite as much as we do now. One thing's for certain: Dick's role on NewsRadio would definitely have been filled by manic shill Matthew Lesko, butting heads with Joe Rogan for even more hilarious results.
NOMINEE #3: ISAIAH WASHINGTON
Oh, I see how it is. You got a problem with a big ol' black man, don't you? You expect some shambling, mush-mouth NIGGER instead, right? Here, let me give you what you want: "YESSA, MASSA! NOH-SUH, MASSA!" That's what you expect, isn't it? Here, let me do some JAZZ HANDS for ya, MASSA! What, am I too CHOCOLATEY FOR YOU? Too Milky Way Midnight? More BLACKNESS than you can handle? I'm not gonna apologize for being a gigantic six-foot-one NEGRO-- oh, I'm sorry, NIGGER-- is that what you were thinking? I know, you expect me to shuffle around with my head in my hands, right? Will that keep y'all from quaking in fear of my huge black presence? You got a problem with how DARK I am? Oh, and also NEGRONEGRONEGRONEGRONEGRONEGRONEGRONEGRO
Despite what Evil Whitey tells you, Isaiah Washington did not "just pop up out of nowhere"; he's had a reasonably illustrious film career, acting in respectable movies like Dead Presidents and Crooklyn, and not-so-respectable movies like Exit Wounds and Romeo Must Die. Then, as a cast member of the hit drama "Grey's Anatomy", he called co-star Patrick Dempsey a "faggot" on-set (he probably saw Dempsey in Meatballs III), in earshot of other humans. These humans included co-stars Katherine Heigl, her immense and blinding teeth, and T. R. Knight, who happened to be a closeted homosexual. Long story short, Heigl went uber-stage Mom, Knight was forced to out himself publicly, and Washington was fired by the show's bosses and written off the show. But the fun didn't stop there.
In the days following this faux pas, Washington seemed confused over whether or not the word FAGGOT had escaped his lips. (Oh, sorry; his BLACK, DARK, SCARY lips.) Instead of taking a page from the book of fellow disgraced bigot Michael Richards, and going to Cambodia to "find himself" (or a human being who hasn't heard about his hateful meltdown), Washington instead decided that everyone else was to blame for him saying the word FAGGOT. Which he may or may not have said, causing a closeted gay man to may or may not come out. He started in with the classic O.J. defense: everyone else is wrong because I am a black man that they hate and fear. But he didn't stop there, despite the presumed urging of his agent, lawyers and anyone with ears; he dug into the 1929 Racist Guidebook and found things civilized non-rednecks haven't heard in half a century. Washington claims that he was fired in part simply for being a black man with a booming voice (to be fair, Darth Vader was light-skinned). "It didn't help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn't a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time," Washington told the press. Coincidentally, CBS' hit show "Mush-Mouth Negro With His Head In His Hands" has been enjoying its highest ratings ever this season.
Benefits of aborting over birthing: Unfortunately, Washington is a good, booming actor. Which makes it all the worse that he just wouldn't take his lumps. He could have said that he was calling Patrick Dempsey an English colloquialism for a bundle of sticks. Instead, he turned the whole mess into "Racist America vs. Poor Me." Had he never been born, T.R. Knight would probably have come out when he was damn good and ready, and we would never have been subjected to weeks of Katherine Heigl's moony sanctimonious bucktoothed face as she whimpered to a dozen talk show hosts about the matter. Washington could have been acting in a Klan-funded show about "the lowly mud people" called "Whitey McNegrokiller", and it wouldn't change the fact that he hollered "FAGGOT" in front of mixed company (in his aforementioned scary booming voice). Ironically, Washington's antics will do more damage to his career than "the F-word incident" ever could. Perhaps we should be nice and swap this nomination out with "CSI: Whatever" psycho Gary Dourdan, who chased a photographer all over Hollywood at top speed trying to kill him for filming him. Ten bucks says Dourdan cries racism by the time this update posts. It's like the "Twinkie defense" of the 21st century.
NOMINEE #4: ANN COULTER
Oh, come on. This is just too easy. The chances that someone who would defend Ann Coulter would visit this website are nil. In fact, no one who comes to this site can even read. It's a fact.
Benefits of aborting over birthing: If Ann Coulter never existed, then everyone who fantasizes about raping her would be so overcome by their now-ungrounded dark urges, they would swallow the Earth in a swarm of sodomic hysteria, buggering innocent people senseless. Because let's face it, male or female, EVERYONE thinks about raping Ann Coulter at some point. Do a Google image search on her if you don't believe me. Even her friends have to fight the urge to hold her face down in a toilet and pound her in the ass until her eyes pop out like ping pong balls. When Michael Vick straps an overly-aggressive female pit bull onto his "rape stand", he puts a picture of Ann Coulter's face over the dog's head, so the stud dog will rile into a frothing, raping frenzy. Oftentimes the dogs forced to resemble Ann will volunteer to be electrocuted or shot. What?! I did NOT just make that up!!!
And... the winner of the 2007 'Bortie is...
MICHAEL VICK
Oh, come on, you thought we were gonna pick the actor, or that dumb-ass Andy Dick? And seriously, and revolting as Ann Coulter is, she was really only thrown in there to round out the foursome. Michael Vick has been casually killing doggies for half a decade, for fuck's sake! Hey wait... Vick rhymes with Dick! Why am I only just now realizing that? God damn it!!!
Who will take home next year's 'Bortie? Perhaps you'd like to cast a vote for a nominee? Drop us a line or post in the forums!
-MBA
