by Matty Boy Anderson 06.23.09

Tonight, at midnight, I will (if all goes well) be taking in the big-budget Transformers sequel spectacular. I was a defender of Michael Bay's first outing with the giant robots, and I am giddy with anticipation for round two. Any regular of this site is punishingly familiar with my decades-long love of Transformers; I'm sure I don't need to rehash. (Go here, or here, if you're confused.) I have many, many reasons to be overcome with excitement about Revenge of the Fallen, all too pathetic, embarrassing and boring to list here.

Despite all this, if ROTF falls short of my expectations somehow, or just plain sucks, I will be the same human being tomorrow. No part of me will physically die, or be gravely injured by the film. My rectum, and by association the metaphorical rectum of my childhood self, will remain pristine and unviolated. I am an adult man three years shy of 40, and I am perfectly cognizant of how little real import popcorn movies have on my daily life. After all, we're talking about a movie based on toy action figures. Maybe I'd take the matter a lot more seriously if, as recently as today, I hadn't actually touched a real breast.

But tomorrow, once ROTF sees wide release, the floodgates will open. It looks like just about everybody is buying a ticket, meaning the Snarkier Than Thou contingent will light up the internet like electric cancer. Would-be critics will dogpile on the movie in a desperate contest to see who can appear the least ignorable. Mommies and daddies too oblivious or brain-dead to decipher MPAA ratings will lament about how all the DAMNs and SHITs and other monstrous filth ruined the precious angelic squalling infant they were kind enough to bring to the theater at 11 o'clock at night. "Hardcore" Transformers fans will take to their blogs moments after the credits roll, purple with rage over how Starscream STILL DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT LIKE PERFECT GENERATION 1 25 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS A TENDER WEE BABE.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg, folks. That robot that talks like a black guy will be the crux of an entire episode's joke on South Park. Actually, it's a three-episode arc, and he's a new recurring character called "Niggatron". Did I make that up? Hey, wait and see. Maybe I'm thinking of that Adult Swim show with the squiggly thing and the other thing that looks like a stump. You know, the one everyone talks about.

As with the 2007 movie, there will be a massive contingent of audience members who arrive with their minds already made up. CGI is their watchword; every Computer Generated Image is Fake. These are the people who, thirty years ago, SWORE up and DOWN that they could see Superman's strings. Their suspension of disbelief is unwilling, and they look extra hard for the seams. This way, THEY are superior to those rich old movie-making muckety-mucks who think they're so smart. Oh, you spent all that money and time on these special effects? Pfft. Sucks to be you. Looks fake.

This is why movie critics generally come with credentials. Whether you agree or disagree with Roger Ebert, you know that the man has seen more movies than you'll ever see in your life, and more than likely he knows whereof he speaks. But some mouthy tweenager with a blog can get nearly as much attention as Ebert, and spread the word about how "fake" a movie is, when in reality his Top 5 contains The Matrix. Revolutions.

Relief comes in the fact that it's easy to second-guess internet critics, and in some cases, critics who see legitimate publication. I repeat; I have not yet seen ROTF. Below are my predictions on what people of the internet will have to say in the coming days.

1. THE "TWIN JAR JARS"

In an alternate universe, Star Wars' Jar Jar Binks would be appreciated and lauded as a paragon of computer animation, and a testament to the possibilities inherent in the wedding of CGI and film. In our world, his name is shorthand for terrible and unwanted effects crowbarred into movies with the use of computers. That's bullshit.

Viewed through uncynical eyes, Jar Jar Binks is as real as anything else on the screen. In fact, he's realer than the claymation Taun-Tauns from the original Empire Strikes Back, which is all but deified by purists. I'd also bet money that Jar Jar took a hell of a lot more work. But Jar Jar was annoying, so that justifies it. Guess what? You are too.

Then there was that weird public reaction to how Jar Jar talked. Some people seemed to think that he sounded a little too much like a black guy. Given that Jar Jar was voiced by a black guy, this wasn't really a big deal. But some folks claimed that Jar Jar was reminiscent of another time long, long ago... in the land ob cotton. Predictably, the "M-word", "Minstrel", dropped not long after. Folks, anyone who knows anything about minstrel shows is either dead, or too wrinkled to talk about it. Seriously. Just imagine George Lucas coaching Ahmed Best to do his Jar Jar voice "more soft-shoed and niggery". Oh, to have been a fly on the wall that day.

In ROTF, twin Autobots Skids and Mudflap communicate in fluent Wayans. Despite precedent in names that goes back to 1985 (for Skids), I can almost guarantee that some wag will liken their names to an old blackface duo. Actually, now that I think about it, that's a funny idea. HEAH CUM OL' SKIDS AN' MUD-FLAP! Golly, too bad they cancelled The Boondocks!

White people become confused and indignant when a robot talks like a jivey black dude. They know they should be righteously offended, because NO self-respecting African-American would subject themselves to voicing such a thing; it must be someone EVIL OPPRESSING them. And they know they should be mortally terrified, because an already scary and funny-talking black dude has gained the added physical superiority of a giant robot chassis. Conclusion: a CGI robot that talks like a black guy is OBVIOUSLY a subliminal construct designed in secret to HUMILIATE BLACK PEOPLE. Who would dare enjoy such a thing? In front of people??

Having to explain why a street-talking alien robot is hilarious is like having to explain how to put your pants on. Ask your parents about PimpBot, if you don't know. They used to see him on Conan O'Brien's old show, which they used to watch every night in college, until you came along and put a stop to all that. So don't be dismayed if the mention of a robot in a pimp hat brings a wistful tear to their eyes.

Too-cool-for-the-roomsters moaned in the 2007 movie, when Autobot Jazz introduced himself to the humans with a breakdance-style transformation. Fan-snots complained too, conveniently forgetting that Jazz's original 1984 motto was "Do it with style, or don't bother doing it." I personally can't wait for the inevitable swipey review at the Onion's AV Club, and its subsequent endless daisy-chain of 90's Simpsons lines echoing from the comments section. Luckily for them, in this case, Lucas is not involved; from what I gather, the mothers of a few AV Club writers were raped anally by one George Lucas, sometime around May of last year. I'm sure you'll find many of their reviews make more sense knowing that.

Mark my words; SOMEBODY will call Skids and Mudflap "twin Jar Jars" and think they're oh so clever for it. Entertainment Weekly's a good bet. Are they still in print?

2. "IT'S TOO LOUD!"

Movies are loud now. This is nothing new. Movies had to get progressively louder to cover the sound of anchor babies and cell phone texting. Also, a disturbing percentage of moviegoers chew with their goddamn mouths wide open, like they never learned any goddamn manners. Nobody wants to hear that. Not to mention that the current definition of "parenting" is "angel child can do NO WRONG, no matter HOW loud." And if you're that guy behind us that explains every single thing out loud to his moron girlfriend, it's your fault too, and please choke on your tongue.

Complaining about a giant robot movie being too loud is like bitching that air hurts. I don't go to Gwyneth Paltrow movies and whine about how it made me smell like a vagina for weeks afterward.

3. "THERE'S TOO MUCH TRANSFORMING!"

I actually heard this complaint from a critic after the 2007 movie came out. If you're going to go see a movie with "Transformers" in the title, and complain about all the transforming going on, stay home. I can't state it any clearer than that. Go see The Proposal instead. There's no transforming at all in that film, unless you count Ryan Reynolds transforming into even more of a douche-chill generator.

The transformations are the money shots of the movies. If you're an outsider, you likely won't understand this, but being a lifelong fan and seeing those sequences is nearly transcendental. I could make a case for mental illness against myself simply by recording what comes out of my mouth whenever one of the movie robots transforms. It's like a gibbering, lunatic laughter that builds up from a sharp, open-mouthed gasp. My eyes try to memorize every piece of it. I couldn't even tell you which sequences were slo-mo; they all feel like that to me. I'm honestly hard-pressed for a non-sexual movie moment that tops it.

I'm so infatuated with the "transformation sound" that I have it as my ringtone. Ten years ago I looped it, and it became a Tailothepup song that actually gave us notoriety within the fandom. So I've really been enjoying how Bay and the crew of the movie have been reciting these insane stats regarding how they created the transformation sequences. In the history of the Transformers brand and its media, has transformation-- which is the defining element-- ever been portrayed this well?

Hell no. The closest we've come was the original 1986 movie's sequence when Unicron changed from a planet to a robot. Thankfully, that scene has come to be recognized for the meisterwerk of animation that it always was. Anyone remember 1986? There was a Care Bears movie, and a Go-Bots one too. People didn't exactly look to toy movies for breakthroughs in animation.

4. "THERE'S TOO MUCH HUMAN STUFF!"

Every millisecond Shia Thank God For The Beef is onscreen, some TFan has to bitch about it. This is the antonym to the previous entry; it's either too much humans or too much robots with people. I want to see an all-robot deathmatch movie as much as anybody, but I also live in the real world, and I understand that the people who produce these things want to see a fucking human face or a boob or some fucking thing every few minutes or so. Also, human faces are comparatively cheap, even when they roll upside down in a crashing truck. Robot faces sometimes take 72 hours per frame to render. So having robots mill around in the background doing nothing can get pretty pricey.

Personally, I predict that Hasbro is planning their new, post-ROTF TV series to be all CGI, like Clone Wars. That way it could be all-robots again, like Beast Machines but better, and everyone can just shut the hell up.

5. "A ROBOT WITH A CANE?!"

Yeah, Jetfire has a cane made out of his jet mode's landing gear. He has a beard, too. He's an ancient giant robot. Try to keep up.

And yes, it's another, different Jetfire. We get a new Jetfire just about every year, just like Optimus Prime and Megatron. It never ceases to amaze me that a toy line whose very core is change has devotees that are adamantly averse to it.

6. "TOO MANY ROBOTS TO KEEP UP WITH!"

Again, damned if you do, damned if you don't. There are apparently over forty robots in ROTF. You don't have to know who every one of them is. You probably won't. It's okay. Some of them might just die anyway. You've seen robot crowd scenes in the past. Give it until about a day after the DVD comes out, some kid'll have freeze-framed and identified them. Or made up names, which will work their way into the fandom until finally receiving a toy years later. I'm not even kidding.

It's a long-standing tradition in Transformers to have different characters with the same body design. Sometimes entire armies will consist of one style of robot, like the Vehicons, for example. Individual Transformers are not always unique.

So when you see Blackout in the forest fight scene, and you think "hey, I thought Blackout died in the first movie when that soldier shot him in the balls," then it's probably Grindor. That's the name of the Blackout repaint that's hitting shelves about now, and going by past Transformers logic, that's most likely who it is. I'm sure they figured people would bitch if the robots were barking their names at each other all day, so you probably won't know every robot's name. Again; this is okay. You don't hear Transformers giving humans grief over how our bodies all look the same from a distance.

7. "FEMALE ROBOTS? WHY?!?"

Female Transformers go all the way back to 1985. Why would they have two established genders? Because who cares, that's why. This is the kind of thing that reveals more about the complainer than they maybe would like. If it bothers you that much, pretend that most species in the galaxy are male/female like us, and it helps the robots fit in better somehow. Or here's a crazy idea; try to befriend some actual, you know, females.

See, here's the thing. If you knew any actual young women, they might have mentioned to you that they fondly recognized the Transformers brand from when they were little, and it was everywhere. Maybe they watched the cartoon. Maybe they had a robot or two that they liked. If you STILL don't understand why there are female robots, then no part of this scenario has ever happened to you.

There are male and female Transformers. In other news, explosions in the vacuum of space are audible in Star Wars, and Santa Claus doesn't exist. Carry on, Commander Killfun.

UPDATE 6/24: I saw it. I adored it, Devastator's balls and all. Seriously, I loved it and I'm cracking up at how right I was about this article. The internet never, never disappoints.

UPDATE 6/25: See below. Remember: I made my predictions about the critics on 6/23, based solely on what I had seen in the trailers.

I AM THE PUPPETMASTER.

-MBA