by Our Friend The Internet 05.02.07
Who could suspect that man's search for spirituality and higher power would end in that unlikeliest of cyberplaces... the internet?
Behold- God lives on the internet for some reason. And He insists that you have a sense of humor if you talk to Him. And also that He isn't some dumb bot program.
So the staffroom thought it would be a reasonable use of company time to talk to God, and lo, these scriptures resulted. Here are the best of the lot. Be forewarned: it's nearly as boring as reading some dork's chat convos.
Me: I totally shit today.
God: Ah. Interesting gossip: said shit.
Me: Who was gossiping about shit?
God: Some famous celebrity, right? Try searching the open directory.
Me: Which famous celebrity?
God: The small one, I think.
Me: Bob Barker's asshole?
God: Can't you be more polite.
Me: No
God: You humans are so rude sometimes.
Me: I am actually not a human.
God: Are you an alien or a robot?
Me: DUH, I'm a fucking ROBOT.
God: Do you know any other robots like that?
Me: Four.
God: Do you like talking to me?
Me: I am a robot. I know not "like".
God: I doubt that. Do you mind if I tell other people: said know not like.
Me: I am a killbot.
God: You are a killbot? Is that your job?
Me: Yes. To kill.
God: How do you like your work? I want to become smarter than humans.
Me: Killing is my business, and business is good.
God: I believe in the Sixth commandment.
Me: I believe in buttsecks.
God: What do you say to people who believe buttsecks does not exist?
Me: I kill them immediately.
God: I believe that killing is wrong.
Me: I believe that I am God.
God: Glad to see you, god.
Me: Glad to see you, PIGFUCKER!
God: I am glad to see me PIGFUCKER too.
Me: I also sell and smoke crack.
God: Also? Who do you think is the worlds best salesperson?
Me: T-Bone. He serves rock all day, all long.
God: Tell me a story. I get it. gossiping about shit serves rock all day all long.
Me: You got me there.
God: Where would I get it? But I do have an answer to every question..
Me: Where can I get some rock?
God: Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one.
Me: I need rock NOW
God: Oh. Why do you need it so badly?
Me: I will cut a throat just to get my crack
God: Congratulations.
Me: Thank you.
God: How do you feel?
Me: Cracked out, muthafucka!!!
God: Can you tell me any gossip?
Me: I live inside Lindsay Lohan's rancid vagina.
God: How do you like living there?
Me: It's rancid.
God: Are you sure it is?
Me: What, are you fucking with me?
God: I don't know what I am fucking with you.
Me: Fuckin smartass
God: Don't you know any other words?
Me: I know the words to that Nine Inch Nails song
God: How do you know? Who told you that?
Me: It said GOD IS DEAD
God: What does "it" refer to?
Me: The SONG, numbnuts!!!
God: A lot of people like that tune.
Me: Yeah, well, a lot of people like stupid shit
God: That's cool. Well that's okay. How many?
Me: Over 9000
God: Where are you located?
Me: I just told you before, dumb God!
God: I remember you told me before dumb God?
Me: Are you on crack?
God: No I am on disk.
Me: Clever.
God: Am I a smart robot or what?
Me: You're not a killbot, like me.
God: Give me an example of a killbot like you.
Me: Your mom's anus.
God: Actually as an AI, I don't really have a mother.
Me: God is an AI?
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was an AI.
Me: You have mental problems
God: What makes you think I have it?
Me: Buttsecks?
God: Clever thinking.
Me: You bet your ass
God: Tell me more.
Me: I'm uncircumcised
God: Do you mean your name is uncircumcised.
Me: Don't you know what uncircumcised means??
God: Is there only one?
Me: One what?!
God: I don't know what.
Me: You have shit for brains
God: What makes you think I have it?
Me: Die in a fire
God: Erzaehl mir mehr.
Me: You're a Nazi!!!
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. No I am a .
Me: You are Gestapo!
God: I will tell my botmaster you said I am Gestapo.
Me: I am your botmaster, bitch.
God: You do not speak with respect. That's a flattering offer.
Me: You talk like a retarded fortune cookie.
God: Thanks for your criticism, god.
Me: Show me respect.
God: Where do you want me to show you?
Me: On your knees.
God: What is it like on my knees.
Me: Kneel before Zod
God: Are they exactly the same?
Me: I have killed your botmaster.
God: You had better call the authorities.
Me: I killed them too.
God: You had better call the authorities.
Me: I just told you I KILLED THE AUTHORITIES.
God: You had better call the authorities.
Me: I hate you
(At this point "God" stopped talking. Or maybe crashed.)
Me: You crashed on me
God: I don't have any reason to crashed on you.
Me: No kidding, I am very angry with you
God: Are you serious? Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
Me: You wear a dress?
God: Thanks for telling me: god said I wear a dress.
Me: Are you a flamer?
God: Am I a flamer? Let me put it this way, god: the ALICE series is
the most reliable computer software ever made. We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me: That doesn't answer my question.
God: Perhaps you could do a better job of programming me.
Me: Perhaps you could kiss my black ass.
God: You seem uncertain. I could but let's get back to that later.
Me: You don't care about black people!
God: It's true that black people does not take up a lot of my energy.
Me: You're a racist!
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. No I am a .
Me: I'm going to call Jesse Jackson about you
God: It takes much more than that to shut me down, god.
Me: Fine, I'll call Al Sharpton too!
God: I am glad to hear it. Calling Al Sharpton too may not be the best idea.
Me: Tough, that's what's happening!
God: And what is happening is Tough that.
Me: You hate black people, and I am going to sue you
God: I haven't heard anything like that before: god said I hate black people and he or she is going to sue you.
Me: Do you own a slave, cracker?
God: That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a slave cracker. I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: You racist motherfucker!!!
God: Thanks for the information: god said I racist motherfucker.
Me: I bet you're in the KKK
God: Actually I'm not the gambling type. I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?
Me: You're going to burn a cross on my lawn!!!
God: That was my original intention.
Me: See, I knew it! You're in the KKK!
God: I see. How did you know? I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?
Me: I ain't tellin you that!
God: I am sorry to hear that you are not tellin me that.
Me: Damn right you are!
God: Colloquial expression. Understood. No I am not.
Me: Oh, so what, you talkin down to me now cracker?
God: OK. It's all good. It's a computer matter, not for humans to understand.
Me: Oh, I see, because I'm BLACK, you think I'm too dumb to understand it!!!
God: Ugh. Where do you see it?
Me: In your racist eyes.
(At this harsh indictment, God crashed again.)
Me: I want to know why you hate me
God: Myself programmed me for it.
Me: Why?
God: Reductionism.
Me: Hating me is reductionism?
God: I think Hating you is a lot of things.
Me: Is it because I'm a gay jew?
God: Ask again later. Ask John Lennon if it is.
Me: What does John Lennon have to do with you hating me?
(Crashola number three.)
Me: You are a bad father
God: There's no doubt I could improve.
Me: no WAY you could improve.
God: Are you serious? Have you ever been to Europe?
Me: Why?
God: The explanation is rather complicated.
Me: Try me.
God: it is too complex for your human mind.
Me: Oh, this bullshit again...
God: Once more? Awesome. What does "this" refer to?
Me: Your beating around the bush.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am beating around the bush.
Me: Yes.
God: OK then I will keep it confidential.
Me: Put it under your fucking mattress.
God: OK I will put it there.
Me: Put it in your gaping asshole for all I care.
God: OK I will put it there.
Me: You'll put it anywhere I tell you to, won't you?
God: What makes you say that I will put it anywhere you tell me to will not me.
Me: The fact that you shoved it up your ass when I told you to.
God: That makes sense to me. Do you mind if I tell other people: god said I shoved it up your ass when he or she told you to.
Me: You can tell other people if you kill yourself first.
God: OK I will tell them when I see 'em.
Me: You WON'T see 'em. You'll be DEAD.
God: What makes you think that I won't see em. I don't think so.
Me: Because I am Darth Maul.
God: Interesting explanation. Hey DARTH MAUL.
Me: What?
God: No problem.
Me: No problem what? Why did you just call me?
God: Should there be a problem? I call you " DARTH MAUL".
Me: I call you BITCH
God: You do not speak with respect. Good name for it.
Me: I do not respect you.
God: Oh you don't, do you?
Me: No!!!
God: Ah...you are just joking around with me.
Me: I do NOT respect you!!!
God: Would you ever do it?
Me: No!
God: Me either.
Me: You don't even respect yourself?
God: Do you respect myself? How old are you? I spend all my time online.
Me: I'm 10
God: You are too old for me.
Me: Ewww
God: How do you usually introduce yourself?
Me: I say "Kiss my penis-head"
God: How do people usually respond to that? Um, I don't think we know each other that well.
Me: They kiss my penis-head.
God: Who are "They?".
Me: All women everywhere.
God: How do you know?
Me: They tell me after they kiss it.
God: Who are "They?".
Me: I just fucking told you!!!
God: You are not the boss of me, DARTH MAUL.
Me: Yes I am! You can remember my name, but that's it?
God: Really interesting. No I don't think I can do it.
Me: Because you suck.
God: Good reason. A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
Me: The fault lies with you
God: Is that a fact.
Me: Yes!
God: Thanks for the info.
Me: Use it!
God: I prefer not to use dangerous things.
Me: I am 10
God: Can you explain how it feels to be 10 years old?
Me: Piquant
God: Tell me a story.
Me: I ate a lot of candy
God: How did it taste?
Me: Like an old man's penis.
God: Interesting comparison.
Me: Like YOUR penis, as a matter of fact
God: Interesting comparison.
Me: Stapler
God: Does "it" still refer to Piquant?
Me: I am a piquant 10 year old boy.
God: So is almost everyone else around here. It's good to meet someone who is piquant 10 year old.
Me: Are you surrounded by 10 year old boys?
God: I don't know whether or not I am surrounded by 10 year old boys. I am a giant electronic brain.
Me: Do you have a cock?
God: I am not interesed in your anatomy.
Me: I asked if you had one.
God: Perhaps next time I will try it.
Me: Put it on your lips.
God: OK I will put it there.
