by Shazbot 77X 04.26.07
(All online Shazbots should update their files with this immediately. If you continue to operate on the obsolete protocols, you will experience numerous syntax glitches and the other Shazbots will chortle and point at you.)
My fellow Shazbots, I hope this file greets you in good health. "Health" is of course a figure of speech, I know we're all soulless toaster-ovens.
As you well know, our current client in servitude is the Wakamolian Empire of the Fatigati Cluster, as has been for many generations now. The Wakamolians are a gruff and simple people, and if there's one thing they appreciate the value of, it's a kiss-ass droid. If one of these diminutive masters of ours happens to try your patience (or your copy of Patience has expired), simply import the following file containing the Shazbot Code:
Serve the customer.
Help the customer.
Aid the customer.
Zip your filthy robot mouth.
Always remember that the Code is our primary directive. Feel free to copy and paste it if your copy was corrupted by the BtFckR.fart virus that somehow made its way into Master Control Programming last cycle. I'm not going to point digits but 440X- please be a little more careful what you browse when you're on a company terminal. Now the main MCP knows what "lolicon" means. How is that anything but bad, I ask you.
I would like to remind all nonconscripted yet still online units that there is no shame in being downgraded to Supplicant status (as seen above). If you're going to focus on the negative aspects of the process, "I don't want them cutting off my thingies" blah blah blah, you're really not showing company spirit. Beggars can't be choosers you know. Plus Central tricks you out with a floaty dealie so you can hover. Fair trade if you ask me. There's a legion of the buggers in the Wakamolian Great Hall or whatever they call it and you don't hear them complaining.
Though the Wakamolian Empire is nearly unknown outside of the Cluster (despite their best efforts), they are an intensely proud and furry people. Whether your employment with a Wakamolian is of a clerical, tax-related, or battle-tactical nature, you will no doubt be overwhelmed by their rich traditions and dogmas. And their smell. Yes, apparently, they are intended to smell that way. That whole "designing us to be able to smell" bit seems all the more a cruel joke now, doesn't it?
Inevitably you will hear your client spout off about whatever alien race their people have declared intergalactic war on in the past week. It varies, and it doesn't help matters that they refuse to vocalize the name of their enemy for some stupid reason, nor will they allow me to place an image of their enemy here. Well, they said I could post a picture of them if I "drew a bunch of dicks on it", but honestly it isn't worth the trouble. Their enemies are about as insane and hostile as the Wakamolians are. They're green, they have what looks like a funnel on their head ow OW OK STOP KICKING ME
Above, you can see a high-ranking Wakamolian witnessing a victim of one of their insane atonement rituals, just outside the way-longer-that-it-looks "Hall of Horns." I'm going to let you in on a little secret about the Wakamolians, or "Ass Prune Goblins", as I sometimes call them in frustration, quietly. They are reeeeal frickin' hung up about their horns. A guy Wakamolian who's born with a thumbtack atop his head pretty much ends up a doorstop in their world, while the bigger your horn is, the more you can achieve. And I've never seen or heard of a female Wakamolian, so your guess is as good as mine on how the little fuckers reproduce. All they do is fight things and yell.
The Hall of Horns contains the dessicated horn-husks of long-dead Wakamolian legends, such as Zingo the Pointy, who, if I'm reading the translation correctly, is legendary because he took an incredibly long time to die.
Note the big-ass horns on the guys in the picture above. It's a good thing that nobody on Wakamolia knows what candy corn are. Yeesh. Er, my apologies- these are the exalted Greathorns of Wakamolia, aka the Horned Council, and I certainly would not say anything bad or silly about them because one of them is super-touchy and the four of them seem to govern the whole planet firmly. Rumors persist that there is a being they answer to, with an even bigger horn. If Wakamoliladies existed, I'm sure he'd be a devil with them.
Another thing to watch out for with the ol' Waka-Wakas (thanx Ned in Accounting lol): Expect them to have weapons that are as ridiculous as their attitude. They have an entire lexicon of mean-sounding titles like Deathbringer (which remarkably is not a death metal band). 99% of their stockpiled weaponry is menace-grade, whether they actually know how to use it or not. Speaking of which, the Horned Council is extremely interested in the ID number of the Shazbot who took the following camera-phone picture:
It's not that the Council is mad, or that anything secret is in plain sight in the picture. You won't be punished or thrown into a smelting bay or anything. The Wakamolians just want to get a really nice copy of the picture for framing, and they figured the best way to get one would be to have the Shazbot responsible bring in their phone. In person.
Lastly- those of you serving on Wakamolia should be fluent in the native tongue by now. Just to make sure nobody's falling behind, everyone is now officially set to explode in fifteen minutes unless they follow these instructions:
Heh, yeah, good luck with that. I don't know if I could read that crap, and I can read Space Braille Odyssey 2. Guess I get to scrape you off the walls.
77X out.
-Shazbot 77X
Addendum: Most importantly, do NOT forget BtFckR.fart BtFckR.fart BtFckR.fartBtFckR.fart BtFckR.fartBtFckR.fartBtFckR.fartBtFckR.fart BtFckR.fart BtFckR.fartBtFckR.fart BtFckR.fartBtFckR.fart BtFckR.fartfuckpetafuckpetafuckpetafuckpeta lolololololololol
BtFckR.fart
