by General Izod 03.31.09
ALL MEMBERS OF T.O.A.D. ARE REQUIRED TO READ THIS MESSAGE. YOUR OPINION OF THE GENERAL IS INCONSEQUENTIAL. DISCARD THIS MESSAGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH/DECUBICLING.
From: General Izod [genizoddball69@toad.evl]
To: All TOAD personnel
Subject: Mandatory attendance at the showing of THIS MOVIE, April 1st, 21:30 TST
Friends, tadpoles;
You all know me as a fair and reasonable man. I like to think of myself as "transparent" with our recruits... a patient sounding-board for your concerns. For instance, some of our Tele-Tadpoles were complaining about the presence of large snails in the barracks' showers, and I had that taken care of straight away. No need to thank me; I know all too well the skittish nature of the Tellys, and how a simple slimy gastropod can throw them headlong into a cringe-inducing hissy fit.
I'm talking to you today about integrity. About accountability. About how heavy use of email in communication has made sentence fragments socially acceptable. But mainly about integrity. For what is integrity but pride. Pride in oneself. Pride in the Credo. Pride in the kickass symbol of our cabal that gives me a chub when e're I lay eyes upon it. Behold:
That symbol has been around since before you were paddling about in your daddy's nubbins. And as you know from your many no doubt grueling training sessions in the TortriFuge, it is a symbol that you must defend with your very life. I would not dare question your devotion to it. We both know such treason would result in forcing you to smoke all of your own hair. It says so in the Greenbook. You would have to smoke every strand of hair on your body in a big Sherlock Holmes pipe while TOAD Commander and I sit safely outside the TortriFuge and laugh our ass of at you. Oh man, we laugh, and laugh, and you cry, and puff, and cry. It never gets old.
That symbol should be tattooed on your very SOUL. You are an extension of that symbol, and by nature, an extension of the man who embodies it to the fullest; TOAD Commander. An important part of your job as a member of TOAD is to ensure that our symbol evokes FEAR and TERROR in people. When we become the subject of ridicule, however slight, our symbol loses a fraction of its power. This is one of the reasons we have upgraded our legions' standard battle cry in recent years from a loud belch to a loud creepy belch. More of a retch, really. It works pretty well on the focus groups.
That symbol is the Intellectual Property and Trade Mark of the Commander of Terrorists Opposing American Democracy, dba TOAD. This man:
That's right; quiver with fear. No, seriously, you have to; your mandatory post-recruitment vaccinations included a healthy salvo of hypno-fearic plasmules just to make sure you DO quiver. And that's just a pre-programmed neural response. I actually have to work with the man. My office is down the hall from his. We carpool sometimes in his new Terror Drill.
The majority of you do not know this, but I'm going to let you in on a little secret; your Commander is very picky about how he appears in the media. He is extremely particular when it comes to video that he himself did not direct and edit. The director of his last threat tape insisted on lensing T.C. at a Dutch angle, and got a bullet sandwich for his trouble. That's not a tough-guy euphemism for shooting him; the Commander actually prepared a bullet sandwich on rye bread with mustard and mayo, and made the man (a respected documentarian) eat it in front of him. It made the Commander laugh and laugh for hours on end, even until the man shamefully pooped the bullets out into the office toilet, which all agreed was not quite as hilarious as we had first surmised.
In any case, all of us who swear allegiance to TOAD must now face a situation we had assumed would never occur; this film, in which footage of both myself and your esteemed Commander appears, is seeing a theatrical release. Despite our unwitting cameos (which I will explain in due time), we were never so much as asked permission. The Commander and I, along with a small retinue of raffle-winning Tadpoles, were simply making an appearance at the premier yearly gathering of ascendant evil-doers.
The convention organizers promised that there would be no picture-taking. The hotel staff posted signs strictly prohibiting any kind of photography. And yet this retarded kid, I'm being serious, I think he's mentally retarded, is somehow able to get all kinds of footage from inside the 'Con. Footage of me, the Tadpoles being the idiots that they are, and most importantly footage of the Commander. Using his "private" voice. We CANNOT IGNORE the sensitivity of this issue. Our reputation is at stake here.
So, THIS IS YOUR MISSION: Report to the theater screening this "film" on APRIL 1, 21:30 hours. If you have not already purchased a ticket, do so. Observe the movie attentively, in its entirety. When the movie is finished, report to the lobby and buy all relevant promotional materials (posters, DVD, etc.). Go home and await further instructions.
Once you have observed the movie and studied it, we will assign a Psych-Tadpole to quiz you on it. Be sure and answer these queries truthfully and in the greatest detail. You know what goes in where if you don't.
We will particularly be seeking information on the portrayal of anything related to TOAD. No commentary, just straight intel. You Tadpoles all think you're funny and you aren't. We didn't contract you as henchman for your sparkling repartee.
Any operatives of TOAD that neglect their duty in this mission should prepare to smoke a great fistful of pubes. Don't forget your deerstalker hat, Sherlock.
[GenIzodYsy]: hey
[GenIzodYsy]: i sent out that mass email you asked me to
[toadMANder4U]: ...
[GenIzodYsy]: whut
[GenIzodYsy]: your not still mad
[GenIzodYsy]: ?
[toadMANder4U]: i'm dealing with it
[toadMANder4U]: deep breaths
[toadMANder4U]: calm bllue ocean
[GenIzodYsy]: thats good to hear.
[toadMANder4U]: even though it was a BLATANT VIOLATION
[GenIzodYsy]: i was pretty worried about you for awhile.
[toadMANder4U]: OF MY FUCKKING PRIVACY
[GenIzodYsy]: ...
[GenIzodYsy]: sigh
[toadMANder4U]: ITS ABOUT RESPECT
[GenIzodYsy]: deep breaths
[GenIzodYsy]: in, out
[toadMANder4U]: god damn it
[GenIzodYsy]: calm blue ocean.
[GenIzodYsy]: remember, baby steps
[toadMANder4U]: i know, i know
[toadMANder4U]: i just wish that son of a bitch understood respect
[toadMANder4U]: it didnt used to be like this, four or five years aog
[toadMANder4U]: *ago
[GenIzodYsy]: its like anything else, this too shall pass
[GenIzodYsy]: I still say you should go see the movie yourself and get it over with
[GenIzodYsy]: face it head on.
[toadMANder4U]: DO NOT
[toadMANder4U]: FUCKKING
[GenIzodYsy]: alright, alright, for petes sake
[toadMANder4U]: START THAT AGIAN
[GenIzodYsy]: OKAY
[toadMANder4U]: *again
[GenIzodYsy]: okay, okay, okay
[GenIzodYsy]: dont mean to rile you up before bedtime
[toadMANder4U]: fine, drop it
[GenIzodYsy]: i dropped it!!!!
[toadMANder4U]: ......
[GenIzodYsy]: relax, fuck
[GenIzodYsy]: u see breaking bad?
[toadMANder4U]: OMG
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