by Matty Boy Anderson 01.25.08
ATTN: Messrs. Cruise, L. Ron Hubbard (if still living/farting in a box/whatever), Miscavige, et al
RE: Scientology
Listen up motherfuckers, because I'm only going to say this once:
You come all up in this cult game like you goddamned invented it. Well newsflash motherfuckers: I invented it. And frankly, I've had it with you giving the shit a bad name. You're worse than Marshall Applegate or Jim Jones; at least those kind of cults have the decency to annihilate themselves.
I know you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm talking 1990, motherfuckers. That's the year I founded the Official Cult of Mike The Pod, aka Poddism, aka The Science of Practical Hedonism. It's in the Library of Congress, motherfuckers. Library of motherfucking Congress. I was barely out of high school before I began cobbling a sect together. Hubbard-- what the fuck you got on my fabulous ass? Jack and shit.
I know you've never heard of a "Poddist". That's the beauty of it. One of us would never make ourselves known to one of you, nor are you capable of understanding our motives and actions. And your chances of wiping us out are nil, because (to belabor the old hydra metaphor) if you cut off our head, another hydra grows in its place. You have made it abundantly clear, on numerous occasions, that your interests lie solely in greed and the exploitation of the human spirit. We've been sneaking a pube into something you've eaten almost every day since 2002.
Go ahead, laugh it off as a big joke. You and I both know that if you think for minute, you'll recall something you ate that had a l'il curly hair in it. Bingo. One of mine, too. If you could go back in time, and save that hair, and DNA test it, it would all become clear to you (Scientolopun intended). But you can't, because you spit it out and thought nothing of it. And get a load of this: nobody thinks to check under the lid of their Starbucks, do they? How many of those do you drink a day? Do you honestly think that you can control every coffee shop employee, every gofer who brings you your lattes? Dream on.
Just as you use Gestapo tactics to declare human beings who oppose Scientology "Fair Game", we have our own method for dealing with you. Namely, anyone who defends Scientology's insane dogma, we will classify as a "Scientologist". We will inform our entire network that this person is a "Scientologist", and we will boycott this person physically (except for the pube-feeding part), by refusing to acknowledge that person's existence at all (even in jest). For example, if this "Scientologist" is an actor, we will refuse to see any movies/TV shows that actor is in, or involved in. This isn't as hard as you'd think: Scientologists make shitty crap. Their egos are so out of control that they think their mere presence in something is enough to get people into theaters. Not by a long, long, long shot. What makes you think we could be so stupid?
The measures we are taking are necessary due to the breadth of your delusion. Time and again, you have shown yourselves to be a sickening caricature, and to truly make the fact that you reside in America revolting, you quash any opposing voices with a legal team that barely understands the word "legal". Even the most idiotic religions can take criticism; it's one of the fundamentals of "having faith". But because your "religion" is obviously a massive scam that involves no faith or spirituality of any kind, you expectedly tolerate no opposition. Your existence is a mockery of American ideals. No one loves you. The perpetuity of your way of life relies upon brainwashing and deprogramming. Your old-world methods of destroying the lives of anyone against you are well-known. It's not everybody else's fault that you are loveless husks that no one with a brain could even pity.
As for me, the de facto leader of the Poddists, there's not a Scientologist among you that can take me. I will flip you on your face like Jonny Fairplay. I am a deranged man. I have been shot at. I'm not saying I can dodge bullets, but I did get out of the way of the bullets that were shot at me. Do not approach me. Do not shoot at me. I don't like being stabbed either. No, if you want to take care of me, you're going to have to take me on Cult Leadero a Cult Leadero. If your religion isn't a legion of greedy, bloodsucking human parasites, then prove it. Discrediting me will be seen through by my legion, who, as I previously mentioned, are already among you, spiking your cappucinos with my flaxen pud-hairs. What did I tell you? You step up in this cult game, and you show me no goddamn respect. I'm a reasonable man, but bitch, I have my limits.
This is not an ultimatum, nor a threat; it is merely meant to inform you. Do not mistake my kindness for weakness, however. We are all too aware of your malice towards humankind, and your fascist motives and machinations, regardless of how you disguise them. We will act to protect our human brothers and sisters by any means necessary. But mainly, we're going to continue to tell on you, and if you're smart, you won't make it worse by trying to stamp us out. And I'm sure I don't have to remind you that with or without us, New Media is poised to burn you down and eat you alive. You've already aggravated the InterTubes enough with your rampant blacklisting, and the fact that you've made Hollywood hopefuls deathly afraid of even mentioning you. It doesn't take a history major to tell you the next step is trains leading to the camps, or badges to identify the "non-believers" in the streets. Either you start defending yourselves rationally, or you GTFO of America. You do not belong here. I'm amazed an Abe Lincoln zombie hasn't bitten your fucking heads off and fucked the stump just to drive home the message.
Unless you are amenable to a face-to-face debate between cult leaders, do not under any circumstances contact me, or any Poddists. Any action other than legitimate debate as I've described will be seen as an act of aggression, and will be reported to the entire network (not to mention this site and many others). I have a duty to protect Poddists, and I simply will not abide by you harrassing them in any way. Also be aware that your deprogramming methods are a fucking joke, and won't work on any of us. Speaking for myself, I've played a lie detector like a pinball machine. We'll see how well that e-meter works when it's halfway up your ass. I bet your colon has thetans too.
Lastly, and I want you to ruminate real hard on this:
Q: What does Poddism have that Scientology doesn't?
A: Blacks and Jews.
Cry all you want, you know it's true. Mainly because blacks and Jews have recent familial memories of bad experiences with fascists. And with few exceptions, fascism is the exclusive domain of Whitey. So blacks and Jews tend to scrutinize groups like you a little harder. And I know you're gonna say Isaac Hayes, but dude had a stroke not long before he signed up, so you do the math.
Well, I hate to tell you, but Poddism has had homeboys and chosen peoples in its fold since the LATE EIGHTIES. If I had to guess why, I'd say it has something to do with our doctrine of enjoying life to the fullest while not pissing off other people. It's a lot more adaptable than brainwashing, and it's ethical, unlike draining people's bank accounts for useless courses. I admit I'm a shitty bookkeeper when it comes to Pod dues and shit, but I ain't milking folks dry. I just flunked math a bunch in high school.
At this point I believe I have said everything I need to say to you. I only wish you harm when you have first caused harm, which is less of an aberration of the Golden Rule than you follow. You conspire to hurt people who disagree with you. In my book, that gets your license as an American revoked for good. I truly reel at the idea of the darkness in your soul that would bond you to such a overtly diabolical scheme. You'd actually be terrifying if you hadn't made yourselves so easy to spot, and so obviously ridiculous. You decry psychiatry and psychoactive medicines, when it is so very obvious that those things are the antidote for your behaviors. It is a testament to the vacuum of unculture and bad taste that is Hollywood that you are even allowed to exist at all. You are the nexus of all that is Bad. You make life on Earth worse, for everybody. And when you do die, all this stupid shit you did, all this fucking inhuman nonsense, will be worth exactly one thing: it's all people are going to remember about you. A blithering idiot, who rots in the ground like every other one of us. If you aren't as deluded as I think you are, it's going to be one FUCK of a deathbed revelation for you. All those courses. All that money. All that bullshit. For nothing. Not even the satisfaction of people laughing with you.
Millions more have laughed with me. How does it feel to know you can't even buy that?
