by His Honor the Mayor Robert E. Felcher 01.01.09

Hello everybody, and happy new year!

I'm told by my assistants that I have a substantial interest in this particular humor website, likely due to some past obligation which I cannot currently recollect. In short, Mike the Pod is celebrating their tenth anniversary on the world wide web in 2009, and I'm the best man they could get to kick things off. I'm very excited to have this honor; being the mayor of a sprawling stinkburg like Atro City doesn't often allow for frivolous blogging!

Last year was a tremendous one for Mike the Pod; surely I needn't go into the whole Armageddon story again here, even though I love to talk about the tremendous times we had "on the set"! To be honest, I felt that only "one side" of our office received adequate screen time. I sincerely wish we could've worked our WHOLE team into the movie. Denise and Nacelle down at the front desk, for example, didn't even get a "walking-on" part. What a nice reward for their loyal and important secretarial services THAT would have been. It certainly might have negated some tension at the office Christmas-Kwanza party!

And what about Dre'Sheawn, who toils in our mailroom? Is that how you spell his name? Well, I bet he would've liked some kind of bit part. It seems impossible to cheer him up. He gets along famously with Denise and Nacelle, but I always feel like I'm intruding on their frequent and heated conversations about Kurt Franklin. I think it's because I know nothing about that kind of music! By which of course I mean gospel!

The list of city employees who aid me as mayor seems never to end. Sure, those of you who've seen Armageddon are familiar with Mr. Jacobs, and that guy who looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman, whatever his name is. But really, we have a broad spectrum of people at work here, despite some very off-base accusations to the contrary that you might have read on some blog somewhere. I admit to being somewhat perturbed about my constituents' reliance on gossip websites for local news coverage; here's hoping accountability isn't a thing of the past, like human slavery! Although, of course, slavery obviously should be. A thing of the past. Just to be clear.

What will the year 2009 bring America? What will 2009 bring Mike The Pod? I can only speak for myself when I say; who really knows? Last November history was made when the first African American was elected president. I do hope that when Berack Obama takes office in a few weeks, our country (and my city thereof) will begin a fresh new era of understanding and cooperation, between peoples of every color. How wonderful a world would that be, where one is compassionate to another, and nobody tells the entire office you're an ignorant bigot because you happened to make a harmless comment about the size of a black woman's lips?

Before I wrap up this introduction, I'd like to mention something that's given me great hope for 2009 and the future beyond. I'd like to mention little Kwante.

As part of our city's Hands On Inner City Kidz program, little Kwante got to visit City Hall, and join me for a brief "photo op". Little Kwante comes from a housing development deep in one of our toughest, most crime-riddled boroughs, and I very much appreciated the perspective provided by this clever youngster. He was raised by a single father, after his mother died of a cracking overdose when he was four. In the short time I spent with little Kwante, I found him to be an intelligent and strong-willed boy. Did you know that it's not acceptable to pat a black kid on top of the head? Because I didn't.

I like to think that little Kwante and I came away from the experience a little bit richer and wiser about each other. I felt we really bonded as we discussed favorite "ballers" on our city's semi-undefeated team, the Federales. Although it went unsaid, I could tell that he understood the difference between an actual racist comment and something somebody said when they thought nobody outside of their race could hear them.

I hope I've provided a satisfactory opening address for a whole new year of Mike Pod. I don't necessarily count myself as a "groupie", but they claim to have existed on the internet for ten years, and surely that must be worth something. I have also been faxed a page of talking points from their headquarters, which do a far better job of things than I've done, so I'll copy/paste them here:

• Tired of websites that hardly ever update? We at MIKE THE POD are striving to assuage that matter with a NEW CARTOON (almost) every week! Just look on the main page for the LAST TIME ON arrow! It's everything you missed last time!
• In the spirit of our TENTH ANNIVERSARY on the web, we are giving many of our older pages a long-overdue overhaul! We've attempted to make the left-side navigation bar readable, and now you can peruse the entire thing with a click, even if you're cursed with a non-wheel mouse! (Or laptop pad!) Look around, see what you can find!
• Coming soon to the front page: a handy UPDATE section, alerting you to what's new on the site! Will it have RSS? You'll just have to wait and see!
• We're MIKE THE POD, and our corporate marketing advisor tech guru says that we should tell you WE WANT TO BE YOUR WEBSITE!*

Have a terrific 2009 everyone! And if you happen to be in the neighborhood, and see little Kwante, please extend a warm greeting to him. Just be sure not to attempt any sort of "hip lingo" or mannerisms. That kid sees through that stuff like a goddamn laser. Believe it.

-Mayor R.E. Felcher

*Note: Mike The Pod Ltd. Co. and its subsidiaries are not actually available to you. Slogan is not legally binding. Please disregard any similar misleading catchphrases that were originally intended as the title of the article but later replaced.

WARNING: Future frontpage articles may not be as mercifully short as this one, which was supposed to be knocked out in a short period of time, but ended up taking longer. Even though it's short. It's called editorial guidelines, people. We have none.