by Various Sources 01.01.08

Guy Vichysoisse Film Critic, KATR	"More trips to the gym, less trips to the bastard donut counter with the bastard donut lady behind it selling bastard donuts."
White God Deity	"Black God and I are going to let Native American God have a freebie with the Death Ray. BG thinks he'll go for the obvious with his target, but I think he'll surprise us with something special."
Kid Kill-Krazy Former child star	"2007 taught me some very harsh lessons as far as internet porno goes. Let's just say that if something looks innocent, it's actually very much the opposite. I resolve to narrow my search criteria more carefully in the future, so maybe one day I can eat chocolate ice cream in a cup again."

Kenneth Eissberg Attorney At Law	"I resolve to proofread or at least spell-check my business cards. It took me a week to figure out why clients were calling me 'Assberg'. I think the 'Attorney At Lol' bit was deliberate sabotage, but it makes no difference as I have e-lawyers blazing through the seven proxies of the responsible party as we speak."
Snarleen Balfungo KATR Reporter	"I resolve not to flip out over the latest tell-all tabloid sleaze accusing me of bedding supervillains to get stories. That said: if anyone has the balls to find out who writes that shit about me, free fucks."
Genderbender Freelance Whore-O	"2008 simply must be the year I knuckle down and prioritize if I'm going to get anywhere in this life as a hero. Sure, I've had my fair share of Target openings and 'face jobs', you know, nothing too bruisy, lots of caperazzi about; but I think I need to foil something juicier if I'm ever going to attract a team. Plus- fingers crossed, this is the year I decide on a default!"

T-Rex Arms Fucking Asshole	"If I can go a year without seeing my own blood, dried or otherwise pumping faucet-like from my nostrils, I'm alright. Hahaha, everyone loves to hit me in the face, wow is that ever funny, especially since I had my visor reinforced for that exact reason, everyone loves it so much. It works great, if by 'great' you mean 'breaks my nose more easily by crushing it against my skull'. Oh yeah- also I want a readable Facebook page that no one can mess with."
{add name here} Sidekick	"I hope I can really click with this hero I'm partnered with in the coming months. A good long run as a duo looks a lot better in your references than two lousy weeks getting laughed at by rent-a-cops in a bank lobby. This new guy says he's tough, but I'm pretty stoked."
Ultra Ocho "Ultra-Man" #8	"This year I'd like to find a sidekick that's not a great big douche. Big tits are a plus."

J. P. Brendon Chief of Police	"I resolve to familiarize myself with the "wiki", so that I may successfully edit our fair city's Wikipedia page before the Mayor's wife is able to see it. The internet has a real way with... waking sleeping dogs."
Jalapeno Pauper Ex-Hot Sauce Icon	"I have faith that the more people hear my name, the less I will have to explain it. However: there are one or two names I am considering as alternates, but I do not know how to set up a poll on my website."
Moss Master Botanicals Leader	"As in any year, in 2008 I will search for hero opportunities befitting a man made of fragrant moss."

Beardobees Bee-Bearded Hero	"I speak not from hubris that 2008 shall be the YEAR OF THE BEE. I know a certain ex-comedian has made everybody sick to death of bees, but I resolve to make everyone forget about all that. After all, I wear a fifteen pound beard of living bees, I probably know a thing or two about the subject. I also know the address where a Mr. Seinfeld lives. Bee-ntriguing!"
Willis Ratliff Predator Bait	"LOL HAI EVERBODY THIS IS RELLY ME WILLIS I LOVE BONERS. I WISH I CULD HAVE BONER ICE CREAM WITH BONERS ON IT. LOL LOL LOL. I WISH RICHERD SIMMINS WOULD PUT A BONER IN MY BUTT ALL DAY. BYTHE WAY THIS RELLY IS WILLIS I GO TO SHCOOL. IT IS A SPECHIAL BONER SHCOOL WHERE I LERN BONER SKILLS SO THAT I MAY WORK A BUTT AND BONER TRADE AFTER I GROW UP AN BECOME A WOMIN. THISIS WILLIS SIGNIING OFF SAYING BONERS 4EVA AND JOHHN RUULLLLZZZ!!!! 8======> < a boner that I like"
Matty Boy Anderson Tardy Fartoonist	"2008??? HOW IN FLYING FUCK CAN IT BE 2008? HOW???????"

Happy 2008 all! Stay tuned!
-MTP