What exactly is taking so long?

From what I understand it all boils down to a communication problem. There've been a few mishaps at the North Korean branch of the animation department. They spent a massive amount of time and budget constructing robot pterodactyls, which were supposedly intended to ferry the completed reels of film to another studio in Indonesia, where they would be mixed with the reels that they'd finished. Nobody notified the Indonesia guys, plus the birds weren't actually carrying any of the reels, it was a sort of dry run. I'd also like to add that nobody being English-speaking didn't help matters. The DVD is coming. Soon. Who the hell let you in here?

Why aren't there frequent updates on the site lately?

The last time I had to go into the wing of the building where the web guys are it was ablaze. Not metaphorically, I mean, it was on fire. And all the fire stuff in the building is painted on. The books you see behind me are real however. Anyway, there's some kind of machine in one of the rooms that keeps catching fire. I stay out of that part of the building. I think one of the designers is a gas huffer.

Why hasn't there been another trailer since that crappy teaser?

The guy who edits the trailers was chased away by a bobcat. End of story. Seriously, he lived in a camper van, and he just took off. I hate to cut this short, but...

Why hasn't Bear With Searing Gas Pain replied to my e-mail?

Look; You have to be out of your mind if you think I'm going to deal with that animal. Rumor has it he mauled one of the interns for bringing him the wrong kind of donuts. My theory is that the staff lets him work if he wants to. I don't think he takes direction or instruction or anything.

Is Mike The Pod on MySpace?

The scuttlebutt around the water cooler here is that MySpace is a diabolical scheme to exploit the stupidity of teenagers. Something about zapping subliminal messages through eye-burning layout and fonts. So no.

How come there haven't been any new animations in so long?

Mr. Boy Anderson ran out of funding for that "tiny restaurant" thing, after pulling a Costner with that ridiculous third chapter, and obviously the lawsuit didn't help either. Mr. Whackler keeps saying that he's got some project "ready to go", and his friend Fred Stencil-or-whoever never left. I think that movie he was in cost him his job. Or, he had no job in the first place. Can we wrap this up?

I asked for a link exchange just like you said. Are you ignoring me?

According to Oscar in the Links department, his boss has been promising him an assistant for over six months now. Oscar has four fingers total last I checked (across a cafeteria table = not fun) so it's not really cool to harp on him about his work pace. His boss is embroiled in a messy divorce, I hear. Alright- I have to catch this cab. Sorry! I trust I've answered your queries satisfactorially--

What about all the promo stuff you were talking about?

(Eissberg has entered the back seat of a cab, and is miming behind the closed door that he cannot hear. The cab pulls away from the curb.)