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(We feel your pain here at the Pod. We're doing everything possible to get the DVD ready for you so you won't hate us or kill us. I won't insult your intelligence by implying that this update is anything more than filler before the release, but I will say that clues can be found in some of the new site features. Speaking of which, I had every intention of having everything ready for April Fools, and look how well THAT turned out. Stay tuned, like I always pray to freaking god you do.) |
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by Guy Vichysousse 04.04.07
How exciting to break from my weekly television gossip spotlight to do a similar sort of thing for Mike the Pod! It appears that during the production of some kind of animated cartoon DVD, Mike the Pod forgot that at one point, it was intended to be a "humor site", or "something at least interesting". One phone call to moi later, and here we are! I'm supposed to covering a big to-do downtown where Angelina will be introducing America to the latest ethnomite she's adopted to stuff into the gaping, lifeless black hole at the center of her being that nothing can ever fill. No worries, I'm sure they'll call me again next week for the same thing!
I thought we'd kick things off with today's hottest gossip. Hang on tight, here we go!
- Pop diva Mariah Carey is rumored to be looking to adopt. Sources say she is drawn to motherhood because of the added humidifiers it will bring to her household (current Carey humidifier total: 218). Carey's handlers are preparing for the possibility that she will eat the child if it is not properly laminated, thinking it a boiled Hot Pocket.
- Troubled actress Lindsay Adequite Lohan's mother Dina has lashed out again at wags who call her pride-n-joy "Firecrotch", claiming "her pootie done git hotn red on hot daze, how Man sposed ta see it? Lindy want Unh-Unh." The younger Lohan has taken to hiding her swollen, reeking labia in pistachio bowls at bars, hoping to trick unsuspecting patrons.
- Celebutwat Paris Hilton stunned onlookers at the premiere of Quentin Tarantino's new film "Actresses I'm Trying To Gang-Fuck With Robert Rodriguez, Plus A Bunch Of Stupid Shit" by continuing to appear breasted. A toad that lives in Ms. Hilton's vagina who might also be a wizard commented "I don't know what she did up there. Last I checked her torso looked like David Lynch's forehead. Trust me- no matter how hard anyone tries, ain't that inbred wall-eyed bitch ever gonna be pretty."
- Madmartigan was reminded by Airk that he still served Galadorn, to which Madmartigan remarked that he would cut off Airk's head and "stick it on a pig pole".
- Porn icon Jenna Jameson has been recovering from unpleasant vaginal reconstructive exorcism surgery following a terrible "unbirthing" incident with her boyfriend Tito Ortiz. Pals say Ortiz was using his Unicron-sized head to orally pleasure Jameson when "he saw a scantily-clad figure who seemed to wield great power, that asked him if he was the Gatekeeper."
- A celebrity did something stupid and ill-advised in front of a lot of people, some of whom took pictures. The next day, news of the incident went world-wide on the internet. Then, a burned-out webmaster made light of the incident on his site, hoping to rope in visitors with his forced pop-culture references and padded-out article, as well as validate the site's money-pit of expenses. He feels a fleeting sense of self-inflation afterward. Somewhere, a dog barks.
- Fergie admitted to past relationships with women recently, though she emphasizes that she prefers men now, and omits the fact that her past relationships with women took place when she was a man and had a penis and testes.
- Mel Gibson, after a critics' screening of his violent new film "Warfuhkkill", told attendees "Yes, I am big time gay. Super, super gay. Also, if Hillary Clinton is elected president I will fucking assassinate her." Gibson greeted replies to this with shrieking howls and biting gestures until handlers urged him to be silent.
- DNA tests and other CSI-style forensics are being employed by experts to determine if Anna Nicole Smith's corpse is still dead. "She may be a decomposing pile of worm food and implants, but we've exhumed her a sixth time to determine whether Anna is dead or not," said Dr. Sweet Jesus Fucking Christ Can You Even Believe The Clowns Involved In This Fucking Shit.
- At trendy Cali nightspot Ffrt, George Clooney said "Wha?" and this other guy was all like "Shoooooooo."
- Justin Timberlake told Details magazine that he is sick and tired of the media and how they write stories about him. "I despise what they do," the 26-year-old singer says. "They create soap operas out of people's lives. It's a spin game, and I choose not to take part in it." Timberlake then crushed the skull of a rare parrot between his ass cheeks before snorting the remains.
- One of the male members of the cast of "24" is a manbaby.
What a crazy world Tinseltown is, don't you think? Why, I bet you have all sorts of things to say to Guy about all this. Why not join me on the new Pod Forums, as I'm being contractually enforced to say, before the inevitable point when MTP has to charge money for forum accounts just to keep the site up? I'm told you'll be glad you did!
See you in the stars, my luvlies!
GV
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Copyright 1999-2007 Matthew M. "Matty Boy" Anderson, and MIKE THE POD LTD. Co.
My cartoons are currently published daily in Bluffton Today (I'm usually on page 12), Hilton Head Monthly magazine and Stomp & Stammer, though those links will not lead to them. I'm in them, though, I promise. The driver's license below once belonged to the legendary El Duce, lead singer of the Mentors. I saw him perform once with his band Gardy Loo, and afterwards I bought him a beer and hung out with him for a bit. Truly, in the words of HST, he was one of God's own prototypes, a high-powered mutant of some kind never considered for mass production. Unfortunately, a confrontation with a speeding train ended the Dooch's reign at the tender age of 39. I encourage all you underage drinkers out there to print his ID and try to buy liquor or porn with it. I'm sure El would have wanted it that way.
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