Grandmother Saved By Proto-Rock Lifestyle
by Germain T."Smitty" Necessapetalosepam-Jones

San Pedro Chronicle-Dispatch
5/15/02 02:23:58


"Tailothepup are the best motherfucking rock band in the universe, and our only hope against the New World Order!" shouted Marma Flinkenburg, 78, at our news crew as we stood outsider her screen door in the small retirement community known as Juan's Cock, South Carolina. We had arrived here yesterday, prepared to do an interview with the self-described Patriot and Proto-Rocker, which she had agreed to via telephone earlier in the week. However, now she was standing inside her house with a double-barreled shotgun trained on us, seperated by a screen door with a hole in it the size of a monster truck tire.
She waved the barrel of the gun at us as she continued to shout in a voice belying her obvious frailty.
"I know who you work for, you sonsabitches! Don't think I don't know the Hearst News Service is controlled by the Bilderbergers! I let you in my house and you bug my phones, put brainwashing machines in my walls...I'm onto you, motherfuckers!"
At that she fired a shot which put a smoldering hole in our soundman's lower stomach.
We beat a hasty retreat as she continued to shoot at us, killing one editor and removing the arm of the boom operator before we managed to start our news van and drive off, tires squealing.

Marma Flinkenburg had had a hard life before she came to be involved with the "Proto-Rock" outfit known as Tailothepup. Her husband had died of cancer, scurvy, and Bolivian Emu Fever, depending on which doctor you ask. Her children had been stolen by "gypsies" as reported by the local press, but Marma herself maintains that "Gypsies don't drive black Cadillacs with tinted windows, and they don't abduct people over age thirty." In addition, her two sisters suddenly became pollsters for the Republican Party, and will not speak to her. "They got glassy eyes, and when I poked them with my fire brand they didn't even flinch." she says. She claims that men in black suits circle her house every day at four o'clock, when she's trying to watch Oprah, and that "Air Force space saucers" hover above her roof when she goes to sleep at seven. Routinely, she says, she finds messages in her mail box promoting global trade and calling her a "cunt biscuit". Last month, she claims she had had enough, and went searching on the internet for suicide methods that would eliminate as many people around her as possible, when she stumbled upon a web site review of an experimental rock outfit named after an obscure, defunct chain of waffle-and-hot dog restaurants:
Tailothepup.

While my producers attempted to set up another interview with Ms. Flinkenburg, I searched for more information about this mysterious group of musicians. Though I managed to find much support for them throughout the more esoteric web-spots, I could not find a way to contact them.
"you dont cum 2 dem, man" (sic) wrote one ElvishQueen345, "dey cum 2 u when u need dem."
Alex Jones, Austin talk show host and right-wing zealot, had this to say: "If people all listened to Tailothepup, instead of watching propagandistic bullshit like The Drew Carey Show, the revolution would have been over yesterday."
Further searching brought accolades from even more established and diverse sources.
"I think TOTP are really doing something positive for the community," said Jesse Jackson, Reverend and founder of Rainbow Coalition. "Everything they're about seems to be what we need right now to fight global oppression, Tommy Hilfiger, and The Drew Carey Show."
"Jesse's right," said Ernest B. Flubb, former leader of NADS (Nazis Against Democracy and Socialism), now reformed and heading the Shirley Temple Fan Club for Former Nazis, "I used to be a real prick. But then I became a "Puppy" (the group's name for their fans--ed.), and now all I can think about is how much I love candy...and nuts."
Further praise can be found all over the internet and in the few remaining independent papers in the country. In fact, Harper's Weekly carried a story that was barely reported, at a Bush family photo shoot, during which President Bush mentioned to a reporter that he had discovered "the greatest band in the world, and they are making me re-think a lot of the stuff Cheney keeps telling me." At that point, Harper's reports, George Sr. and three men dressed as Disney characters ushered him quickly away. When the president returned, the reporter asked him to elaborate, and Mr. Bush was quoted as saying, "Never heard of 'em, you pimply-assed asshole."

Who are Tailothepup? Are they the new leaders of the Revolution of Thought? Or simply a bunch of drug-addict musicians pushing the rock envelope enough to make people question even the most basic of beliefs? Do they even exist? So far, the only evidence of their existence the Hearst News Service has been able to discern, other than their rabid fan base, are stickers, spread on telephone poles in every station in the union, with their logo (a dog's anus) and the question: CAN YOU ROCK LIKE THIS?

On Sunday, Marma Flinkenburg finally managed to meet with me. What follows is a transcription of our conversation, as we sat in a booth in the darkest corner of Chuck E. Cheese, Ms. Flinkenburg's pistol pointed, inches away, at my privates.
Children under 17 should not read this:

GTSN-J: Truly, Ms. Finkle--
MF: Flinkenburg! You corporate shill!
GTSN-J: Flinkenburg. Truly there is no need for the weapon--
MF: Ask your questions, whitey.
GTSN-J: Ms. Flinkenburg, I am half Australian, half Indian, and one-third Bengalese. I am not--
(MF's 9mm clicks beneath the table.)
GTSN-J: Ahem. Ma'am, you claim to have been saved by Tailothepup. What exactly do you mean?
MF: You wouldn't understand, nut-sucker, but I'll give you a hint. You ever feel like life is meaningless? Like everything you do just benefits some rich bastards up in the hills and you can't ever get a break? You feel like ever since they canceled Dynasty the world has gone to shit? Like you aren't getting your share and your car gets negative six miles to the gallon? Like there is no point to living?
GTSN-J: (crying like a little baby) Yes! Yes! Oh Yes!
MF: Then you haven't listened to TOTP. Their music...it's hard to explain...do you know what Implied Sound Theory Is?
(GTSN-J is crying too hard to answer. Shakes his head.)
MF: It's about chaos making beauty. It's about making music less about rigid professionalism and making it about life. It's about Star Wars. It's about Transformers. It's about Chaos Theory and Multi-World Theory and Meat. It's about childhood and drooling and cartoons. It's about hedonism and paganism and Schrodinger's Penis. It's about love, and life, and laughter, and hating people who deserve to be hated. It's about...the way things should be. It's about being wet and liking it.
GTSN-J: I prefer The Drew Carey Show.
(MF pistol-whips him.)
MF: People like you, you just aren't going to get it. You'll go on being an anal snack cake for the New World Order, and the legions of the Pup will grow and grow. Soon, the Puppies will be everywhere. (Bitch-slaps GTSN-J.) And then, motherhumper, bitches like you will be the first to go. (Pauses.) Unless...

(At this point, Ms. Flinkenburg shoots "Smitty" in the leg, and in the ensuing confusion, steals his wallet and tape recorder. Two weeks later, we at the San Pedro Chronicle-Dispatch had still not heard from Mr. Necessepetalosepam-Jones. We did, however, receive this article and tape in the mail, along with a signed autograph of Keisha Knight-Pullam. Enclosed with the tape was a letter from Ms. Flinkenburg, postmarked Jamaica. In closing, here is what it said:)


"I have your boy. I and I is un-brainwashing him. He is not a bad-looking boy. Maybe it is the ganja. Soon the NWO will perish. THE PUP has operatives everywhere. We are the Revolution. Join us or pay the consequences.
Brutate Mufato.
Nana Ganjapolis and Friend."



San Pedro Chronicle-Dispatch 5/15/02
Additional reporting by D.P. Roberts