by Matty Boy Anderson 05.20.10
(Click here to be a wuss and skip the abuse for the CARTOON.)
Hey, you! Yeah, you!
You're a faggot.
Did I just offend you? Honestly and truly?
If I offended you, why? You and I are perfect strangers. You wandered into some so-called "humor site", and a guy you don't even know called you a faggot. Why would that offend you? It's a six-letter word that doesn't even mean the same thing everywhere. It's impossible for a word to physically hurt you, or cause you pain. I called you by that word because I KNEW it would offend you, and I KNEW your reaction would be priceless. You're probably not even homosexual, you're just looking for an excuse to be self-righteous about something. ANYTHING, no matter how trivial. I bet you're even looking at that picture up there of me with the cake, thinking "Look who's calling ME a faggot!" The wheels in your little mind are spinning, concocting the perfect takedown email to show me the err of my ways. You might even "de-friend" me on Facebook for this! That'd show ME!
All that bluster and outrage over a six letter word, one I didn't even invent. Go ahead, get pissed at me. It only lends FAGGOT more power. FAGGOT is a magical angry-making button, and all the glowering (yet sassy) Wanda Sykeses in the world can't do anything about it. If you want to infuse the word with even MORE power, assume I'm a homophobe for saying it. Now FAGGOT has the ability to psychically analyze motivations, and predict future hate crimes! Perhaps soon, I'll have to register door-to-door with all my neighbors as someone who once said FAGGOT on the internet. I mean, I must be worse than a pedophile sex criminal, right? I CALLED YOU A FAGGOT, FAGGOT!
Let's try another approach.
You're a retard.
Does THAT word hurt you? Really? Was I supposed to instead say "The R-Word", thereby bequeathing a verb that means "to hold back the development or progress of" (OED) with the same level of impact as NIGGER? If you're late to dinner, can I call you TARDY, or will your tree-sloth brain interpret that as a creative workaround for RETARD-LIKE? Why not tell Sarah Palin what a terrible person I am for saying RETARD? After all, she seems to be a bona fide expert on what's RETARDED. For example:
1. She can look to numerous examples within her plentiful offspring of mutant mattress-backs.
2. She was governor of Alaska (but she quit lol), the state that gave us Senator Ted Stevens, the intellectual fossil that described the internet as a "series of tubes". Note: I reside in a city whose population outnumbers Alaska's by MILLIONS.
3. Every time somebody says "retard" on Family Guy, Baby Jesus cries and makes it harder for Palin to see Russia from Alaska.
Sarah Palin figures that the retards can't stand up for themselves (what with being all retarded and shit), so of course they need a White Knight to make all the owies and hurted feewings go away. She's obviously fighting the good fight. She knows that our proud American history is crammed full of great individuals who heard something that maybe might offend somebody somewhere, and made DAMN sure that the offending person was utterly ostracized (or at least knew they'd been "mean"). Plus she knows about the fabled "retard strength", and with an army of riled-up 'tardos, she could conquer the world.
Now that I've got you good and riled up yourself, I'm going to hit you with the most "offensive" word in the English language. Ready? Here we go, you retarded faggot!
You are a victim.
That's right. Not only that, you're the WORST KIND of victim- you BRING VICTIMHOOD UPON YOURSELF. People who are legitimately offended by something don't "think" for other people. They don't "crusade". They apply logic, gather their arguments and DO SOMETHING RATIONAL ABOUT IT. That's called NOT being a VICTIM. When you take up causes that aren't even your own, and speak for other people, you're merely seeking attention for yourself, and that's making yourself a VICTIM. You're a VICTIM of the "offenders" that you only empower ever more so with your actions. When you were a child, the adults weren't fucking with your head when they told you to IGNORE kids who called you names. They were teaching you how to WIN. Things that people ignore are powerless. Things that command every single person's attention are godlike in their energies. You made a choice when you read this page:
a. You assumed I was a hateful bigot and homophobe, stopped reading, and popped onto [insert social network here] to tell all your buddies how much I hate fags and retardeds, and what a scumbag I am for it.
b. You figured I MUST have a point with all this "invective", and kept reading, secure in the understanding that none of the text on your monitor screen can possibly kill or maim you.
c. You read it all because you're a regular of this site, and deep down you agree that "niggerfaggot retarded" is pretty snarf-worthy.
If you answered "a", it's a good thing you're no longer reading this, because you are a professional VICTIM. And a whimpering pussy, to boot. Let me explain what I'm talking about.
Some months ago, famed director and lardass Kevin Smith raised a furore with Southwest Airlines, because they would not allow him to fly. On their airplane, I mean; even a retard knows that a human manure-mound like Kevin Smith could never become physically airborne under his own power. Smith took to Twitter like a whale to beach sand, tapping away missives to his devoted fandom of film-school faggots about how the incident was the fault of everyone besides his emergency-exit-clogging giant ass. As an obese mouth-breathing famous person, he was the VICTIM of some kind of vague conspiracy against people who inhale pudding thirty times a day. Because it's the WORLD'S fault he's so fat that he causes respect to evaporate on contact. How can Southwest Airlines call themselves customer-friendly when their seats can't even accommodate the bean-bag behemoths America loves so well?! Don't they know that in the event of a water landing, Smith's corpse could be used as a flotation device? By a family of eight?
Kevin Smith has made a career out of victimhood. There's always SOMETHING that makes his movies crappier than he intended, and you're a monstrous fat-hater if you think it's simply HIM. It's not HIS fault that "Zack & Miri Make A Porno" flopped; it's the small-minded jerks who figured that moviegoers would think that a movie with the word "porno" in its title would be, you know, A PORNO. It's not HIS fault that "Cop Out" did just that in theaters; it's the legions of apathetic assholes who could give a shit about a guy with marginal directing ability and the crap he makes to amuse himself alone. Maybe he's been hanging out with Tarantino: remember how stupid we all were because we wouldn't sit and watch four hours of him whacking off over his 70's "grindhouse" idols? Gosh, I still feel just awful about that. I can hardly sleep all night.
Wait a minute, NO, I don't feel sorry AT ALL. When the fuck did people become such hothouse flowers? If I felt awful about anything, it would be the fact that I can't even FAKE respect for someone like Kevin Smith, because shit, he sure has made a lot of movies, probably worked super hard on them too, and I don't care for a single one of them. Girls seem to adore him because he's "edgy", yet harmless; if he tried to rape you, you could simply escape him by tottering away at a quick pace. Problem solved. Plus he's endlessly self-deprecating, particularly when blogging about his (haha) diet, so you could get him to worship you unquestioningly with the slightest motion towards the exits. It'll be two or three years before the Playboy centerfold wife he can't help but mention unprovoked in every interview is tanned to a gin-soaked husk, and you can jump right in and get some of that hot Kevin Smith lovin'. You don't even have to be attractive; just dress up like Slave Girl Princess Leia, and dude's balls will explode. He'll be completely under your CONTROL. And you can't spell CONTROL without "CUNT"! Er, uh... yes you can. Sorry.
Herein lies my point. It is all about CONTROL. Of course there are black people who get angry if you call them nigger. Of course there are gays who don't like being called faggot. That's not the problem. The problem is the people who are LOOKING for a reason to get offended and then PUNISH AND MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF SOMEBODY. Why? Because they lack CONTROL in their lives. People who lack CONTROL over their lives are the ones who ENFORCE IT ON OTHERS, without being asked, or being placed in any position of authority. We used to fear Orwellian governments that would crush our human faces with boots forever and stomp out freedom of expression like carpenter ants. Now it's 2010, and the fascists are calling from inside the house. Those who want to expunge opinions different from ours are already among us. They live next door. They promote their warped concept of "diversity" in everything they do, and in their next breath they wish they could just wipe out the folks they don't like or agree with. Isn't life so much easier when everybody smiles and gets along? Of course it is, if you're the one smiling.
Regular people like art that "looks nice", and doesn't make anyone mad. They like TV shows where the characters are nice to each other and everybody hugs at the end and maybe learns a positive lesson too. They like movies where the guy and girl who hated each other finally fall in love for all eternity, and they enjoy music that sounds fun and upbeat, that they can sing along with in the car. They don't like coarse language or sexual content, because their babies might see or hear it, and then they'd have to break out of their happy family bubble to speak to their child about the harsh realities of life. They know that their job as regular parents is to shield their cubs from any "bad" input stimulus for as long as possible, so that they can grow up to shelter children of their own someday. They're grateful that there are stickers on CDs and labels on films and video games that tell them what to think; life is busy and hard, and who has time to make an informed decision on every single thing? The kids are hungry. They sure aren't going to drive themselves to soccer practice. And regular people KNOW their way is RIGHT-- if it wasn't, would there be so many other people on Facebook that think the same way? 50,000,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong.
Speaking of wrong: what if the regular people find out you don't believe in marriage? Then you're wrong. What if you can't have children, or simply don't desire to? Then you're wrong. What kind of weird asshole doesn't want to get married and have kids? Next thing you know, someone will say that they don't believe in our God, and it doesn't get more wrong than that.
When the regular people are confronted with an unbeliever, they do one of two things. Typically they ignore the person, which is easy to do, because there's a whole congregation of regulars at church for them to talk to instead. Otherwise, when they think someone is really, REALLY wrong, they say, "I'll pray for you." This is their polite way of saying "You're so utterly stupid that I'll wait until your back is turned to laugh at you." Then they go on about their regular lives. Maybe they really do pray about it, but no one will ever know one way or the other. There's no central prayer log you can reference online. If you ask them if they REALLY prayed for you, regular people will become offended. They will firmly promise to pray even HARDER for you now. They're offended that you questioned their judgment, but not their FAITH. Because they know that, unless it is lost, faith only becomes stronger when it is QUESTIONED. That is the nature of faith.
See the difference there? People who flip out every time something challenges their convictions actually don't have convictions at all. They don't really believe that their way is right. They know deep inside their minds that they're the ones who are wrong. They know that if the regular people learn more about them, they'll know it's wrong too, and so the only way to bend them to the wrong way of life is through total CONTROL. Instead of rational debate, or discourse, they kill. And then they make sure those regular faggots know about it, so they're afraid they'll be killed too. And people who think they might be killed will do anything you want. Just don't kill them!!!
Long ago I broke from organized religion because I believe that one rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. Abortion clinics are bombed by "Christians". Fred Phelps and his worthless shitpile of a family are "Baptists". The Vatican seems vaguely irked that busloads of "Catholic" priests are rampant boyfuckers (the nuns ain't much better), and maybe they'll get around to looking into it some day. For non-regular people, organized religion is a permit for all manner of inhumanities. Legitimate Satanists have murdered less people than the mountains of bodybags Christianity provides, and we're talking centuries compared to Satanism's modest >50-year lifespan. But who gets the bad rap as the psycho killers, and who has a friendly tax-exempt church on every hometown corner? Which one legitimately persecutes which?
The answer would require research I am uninterested in doing. I am a mostly-dumb man that lives in a country where a document states that I can think or say anything I care to about these religions, with no resulting harm placed upon my person. People who are offended by my words are allowed to say whatever THEY want. There is nothing I can write or draw or say that would permit another person to murder me legally and go free in an American court of law. No one can assume that my intent was malicious, and thus I was worthy of death. If I drew Jesus Christ in some compromising position for a larf, anyone who killed me as a rebuttal would only weaken their own cause laughably, and likely get them disowned by the sect they claim to faithfully defend (*cough*Mormons*cough). Hate me, hate my work; you are not allowed to kill me. I die, you lose. 90% of my output is motivated by things in life I can't stand. Killing me because I drew a cartoon that pissed you off just proves that you're a massive pussy who can't even handle everyday life. What a retarded faggot that makes you!
Or maybe just Muslim.
You probably already know what I'm talking about if you've looked at a newspaper in the past few years, but I don't want to be mistaken for some xenophobic Fox News-watching faggot retard, so let me clarify. See, some folks will say I should specify "radical" Muslim, because there's over 200 billion Muslims on our perfect little blue marble, and I shouldn't generalize. Oh, that's right- abortion clinic killers are "radical" Christians! Bullshit. "Radical" belongs in 80's skate movies and other places where cubes are gleamed. It doesn't apply to subhumans who murder in the name of their magical space fart or whatever. Think for a moment about how many groups you're a part of that casually slaughter hundreds of innocent people a month. Stumped? Maybe you should consider becoming a Muslim; Muslims really get the job DONE!
You think I'm kidding, right?
Doesn't that make your heart swell with pride? America, the nation that all civilized countries wish they were but won't admit it, is falling all over itself to placate a legion of murdering lunatics who'd kill us in a heartbeat. We daren't ruffle these noble psychopaths, lest they drive a hastily-constructed car bomb up to our window and turn us into pink cottage cheese. And that is officially where our high-and-mighty freedom of speech ends. Our control is an illusion. Through murder and fear, the Muslims control US. America, the Beautiful Victims.
I am a victim of only one thing. I am a victim of GUILT, which has been heaped onto my shoulders by the ton since I was a child. If I was anything other than white, I could show pride in what I am, but since I'm white, apparently that would make me RACIST. I'm a man, so I'm not allowed to bitch; according to everyone else, I've had a free ride thanks to my dick and scrotum. When I overcome some emotional trauma, no matter how horrible, I'd better suck it up, or everyone will assume I can't handle my business. Any pain I may feel in life, I obviously asked for, simply by being born white, male and American. Plus, being a Caucasian, I'm also accountable for any ills committed by those who share my skin tone, regardless of how long ago they lived, or whether I'm even aware of their existence. This is what living under "political correctness" has done to me. Because of the people who can't be bothered to know me outside of general categorization, I'm supposed to apologize for daring to even exist.
There's no group therapy I can seek out for solace on this matter. There's no doctor I can tell about the self-hatred it's caused, or the possible fatal hypertension I become afflicted with just by dint of being white, and therefore fashionably detestable. No one gives a shit if I get called nasty names, or if I'm openly discriminated against. I could be publicly beaten to death by a mob of non-whites screaming "DIE IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW, WHITEY!!" in front of a thousand witnesses, and the words "hate crime" would never cross a single person's mind. I'm just some white asshole. If I'm murdered, shit, I must've lived a better life by that point than your typical child abandoned by Haitians post-earthquake, right?
WRONG. I REFUSE to be a VICTIM. If Muslims are upset that Americans think they're all kill-crazy retards, then they should DO something about it, or GO FUCK THEMSELVES. Try something that miraculously doesn't involve blowing up innocent people along with themselves. Why should I feel guilty about saying these things? Muslims HATE me blindly, I HATE 'em right back. That's the closest we're ever going to get to reciprocity, as far as they're concerned, right? They can easily identify me (I'm the white guy), I can easily identify them, with their big stinky beards and close-set child-raper eyes. Aw, did I go too far there? Big surprise, living in fear makes me ANGRY. Because I'm HUMAN. Just like Muslims supposedly are. Right? That's the reason we won't stoop to nuking them into smashed glassware, isn't it?
How fucking stupid is it to live in fear of some lunatic fringe for drawing a picture of their exalted prophet? Did I miss a day at school where we learned to take it up the ass from bullies? Am I allowed to make up my own laws and religion and murder anyone who questions it? Is this the way things work in the 21st century? If it is, then go ahead and kill me. I really have lived a better life up to this point.
By all means, let's teach our children the lesson that they can create whatever they want, unless it makes the crazy people on the other side of the planet mad enough to pop out of their closet and kill them. By the time they're adults, political correctness will look like hardcore scat porn compared to the state they live in. Before you know it they'll be happily de-clitting their daughters and sporting cover-all burkas. We'll all go back to fearing healthy sexual impulses and hating our disgusting ungodly bodies. Prepubescent girls will accept incest and rape and arranged marriage, without all those messy civil rights and lawyers. Why should I care? I don't have to live in it. I'll already have been murdered by Muslims, for daring to render their sacred kiddie-fucker's faggot likeness. I got off easy.
As an American, I've actually made an effort to understand why other peoples hate us. Why have I done this? Nobody made me do it, or paid me. Maybe I entertained some stupid notion from growing up in the 70's that I could change things. Maybe I abhor being misunderstood by strangers. Maybe I feel misplaced guilt for the conveniences I enjoy every waking moment. Quick- name a Muslim who tries to understand why Americans could possibly hate them. Actually, broaden the question to name anyone outside of North America who thinks for two seconds about why anyone would hate them, their country, or religion. Cat got your tongue?
If I had my way, every willing person in the non-Muslim world would sketch up their very own likeness of Mohammed simultaneously, so that it would be logistically impossible to suicide-bomb everyone, and these people would be forced to reevaluate their caveman religion. That is the American way: saturate, saturate, saturate, until the opposition is dissolved. American life in 2010 is the end result of endless saturation. The winners are the ones who breed the most. And the regular Americans are scared, because they know that someone else wants to wipe them out and start their own saturation. According to "them", we have it coming, due to our ludicrous religion and hateful customs. That's the beauty of being stuck in the 9th century; the Middle East is totally unaware of the concept of "irony".
I am not a victim, and I'd rather die than live in fear. If some asshole tells me not to do something or they'll brutally murder me, they better cough up some serious recompense to keep me from doing it. Millions of dollars would make me forget all about doodling Mohammed, easily. Shit, I'd probably decide against it if someone it honestly offended ASKED ME NICELY. But that's not why we're here, and I'm through playing nice. I already feel stupid for trying to hear out Muslims in the first place, or even putting this much thought into it. These people kill. If I'm in a club, and I find out other members of this club slaughter people and children as a hobby, then I LEAVE THAT CLUB. I don't go around explaining "Yes, I am technically a member of that club, I just skip the whole murder part." Some people "find God" only because there's no one else around who can stand their sick ass. I refuse to live in a cowed world that bends over for the Kevin Smiths, who drag everyone else down to their stunted level because they're mad at what they are but refuse to change it or even meet people halfway. I've taken far too much of this bullshit. Life has rules. Accept them, or work to change them for the better. Don't punish other people just because you didn't get your way. KIDS do that shit. KIDS.
I figured I'd lead by example, and show you how I live and (hopefully not) die by the sword. Below is a short animation I created featuring Mohammed. Any rational human being with a brain stem can see that I commit no offense towards Mohammed in the cartoon. If I am murdered as a result of this cartoon, it merely proves my point that Muslims and Islam are as fucking retarded as I say they are. Because I live in a country that has permitted me to say whatever I want, and Islam is a direct threat to that freedom, until they prove otherwise. If they can't handle a silly little cartoon where Mohammed visits an aquarium and meets a great white shark who ate something earlier that has disagreed with him without reacting with violence, then FUCK 'EM IN THE ASS.
Those of you who are still here and can think for yourselves, please enjoy. Sorry I had to call you all them nasty names. I was trying to prove my point using my own bastardized version of tough love. I call it TuffLuvTM.
